What’s Up Wednesday: April Edition

Hey y’all!  It’s been a couple months since I’ve done one of these posts.  I tend to get really busy at the end of each month & the beginning of the next month.  Such is life.  But, you know much I love… WUW

I’ll be answering the following questions: Questions

What I’m eating this week…

Okay, you guys I’ve been on a guacamole kick lately.  All things avocado!

Check out my Fancy Guacamole recipe here.

What I’m reminiscing about…

I’m currently reminiscing about my bed.  I wish I was still there this morning.  #truth Bed

Now, I love this pillow, but it’s not really true these days.  I am a morning person, but only if I get a full 8 hours of sleep first.

What I’m loving…

I’m loving this “drinking on the patio” weather we’ve been having down in Houston.  I had a day of two brunches just last weekend!  The pollen is finally under control, so we can go outside!  Pollen

What I’ve been up to…

I feel like I’ve been so busy lately, but I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done.  I have no idea.

What I’m dreading…

Ugh, tomorrow I am having MAJOR dental work done.  I have so much anxiety about going to the dentist.  I am one of those people that just has bad teeth.  Countless cavities, braces FOUR times, jaw surgery, 1 implant, crowns, root canals…you name it, I’ve had it.  dentist

Tomorrow I have to have a root canal & 4 cavities filled.  😦 I’m forcing them to give me the gas, mostly to their benefit, but I also plan to take a muscle relaxer or something to calm me down.  Everyone always tell me to bring headphones, which I just don’t get.  I mean the tools are in my mouth, I can hear it literally inside my head.  Not to mention, it’s just hard for me to hold my mouth open for so long.

What I’m working on…

I’m in the early stages of planning a vacation for early fall.  I originally wanted to go to Italy or France, but it is just not in the cards for me this year.  So, I decided a domestic vacation is doable, & I’m thinking Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard, & Nantucket.

I’d prefer to go after Labor Day to avoid tourist season.  Do y’all have any recommendations?

What I’m excited about…

Sadly, I’m super excited about the Bravo lineup right now.  So many good shows on right now!  I think Younger is coming back soon too!

What I’m watching/reading…

My favorite Bravo show is back!  Season 5 of Southern Charm!!!  You can read my recaps here.

I just finished this book: Book

It was a super easy read, & so funny.

What I’m listening to…

Kacey Musgraves’ new album, Golden Hour, is the soundtrack of my life right now.  As far as country music goes, it is very mellow…gives me Stevie Nicks vibes.  Golden hour

What I’m wearing…

Y’all, I just got these new sandals from Target & I love them!  sandals

I have a love affair with tassels & pompoms, so these were a must buy.  Please ignore my foot.  Feet are gross.

What I’m doing this weekend…

As per ushe, I’ll be babysitting.

What I’m looking forward to next month…

Next month Mama J is getting married.  My dad passed away 10 years ago, this past February.  To be honest, it is really weird for me, but I’m glad she found someone to care for & who will take care of her.

What else is new…

I’m wanting to try Whole 30.  Have any of you tried it?  Do you recommend it?  How hard is it really?

Bonus Question: What is my favorite Mother’s Day gift to give?

I like to get Mama J things she wouldn’t buy for herself, yet something she will use/like.  I’m also always trying to up her “game.”  For Valentine’s Day, I sent her CBD Oil because I did some research that it can help with Arthritis pain.  I’ve also gifted her with essential oils, cryotherapy, so you get the idea.

That’s it for now!  I love to read your comments, & I want to hear any vacation recommendations for solo trips!

Check back on Friday for my Southern Charm recap.

Kiss Hug,

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Southern Charm: Birth Control Plan

Is it just me, or have we seen entirely too many bedroom scenes with Thomas?  He is not attractive and I don’t need to see him in any state of undress.  I also do not need to see him with whichever girl (yes, I mean girl) happened to share his bed from the night before.  This time it happened to be Ashley, at least he’s dating her, but the two of them talking about their sex life is all the birth control I need!!!!  Thomas on my tvI was utterly disgusted.  Looking at them makes me want to gouge my eyes out, & listening to them makes me want to cut my ears off…I was in a real conundrum last night.  Creepy Thomas

Moving along…  Is it weird that a host of a baby shower controls the guest list?  I would think the person of honor would get to invite whomever they want.  Not the case when Patricia is in charge, which segued nicely over to Kathryn with Kensie & Saint.  I’m actually really impressed by how articulate Kensie is; how old is she?  Three?

Y’all, I know we are only three episodes in, but can we give Kathryn the award for Most Improved?  She has grown by leaps & bounds.  I feel like a proud big sis or something.  Look how far she’s come!

I was equal parts tickled & grossed out by Cameran & Whitney’s session with the birthing coach.  All I could think about was that women poop when they give birth.  I know it’s supposed to be natural & beautiful & all that, but gross.  If I ever have children, they will be adopted.   I loved the look on Cameran’s face during the session, it was as horrified as it was excited.  Also, Elvis the neighbor’s dog, made his TV debut!

They chatted about the theme of the baby shower, which I totally don’t get.  Maybe I’m too young, at 34, to know?  Maybe I’m not WASP-y enough?  I am still confused, even after several people tried to very nicely to explain it to me on Twitter last night. Baby Shower 1 Baby Shower 2

I’m going to breeze through the bromance because it was boring.  Austen wants Craig to slut it up now that he is free from Naomie’s clutches.  Craig wishes he was gay.  Shep thinks Craig should now go by Grill Shakespeare.  Oh, and apparently all the bars in Charleston are Cheers to Austen…get it?  I think that covered it.

Chelsea joined Cam at her doctor’s appointment, & she was more emotionally invested than Cameran was.  I loved this friend moment!  Bravo is really playing up the women empowerment on this show.

I’m skipping over Thomas’ convo with his dad because that really made me want to fill my ears with acid.  However, while touring Craig’s new pad, Kathryn revealed that she & TRav hooked up after last season’s reunion.  I believe this is their M.O.  Paraphrasing Nene Leakes, “Close your legs to Thomas Ravenel.”  Kathryn, you are better than this.

We finally arrive at the baby shower…that Kathryn wasn’t invited to, yet somehow JD made the list.  Patricia was dressed like Big Bird’s drunk aunt.  I still don’t understand the theme?  Audrey Hepburn & Jackie O…if they wore colors?  Whitney had a super gross cake made for Cameran.  Craig monogrammed his gift.  Naomie chastised Craig, for what I don’t know.  JD & Liz did a “Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am” appearance.  Patricia had no time for Naomie.  Did I miss anything?  Oh yeah, Ashley looked like a damn fool.

Favorite Tweets: S5E3 Tweets

What did you think of the episode?  Are we loving Kathryn or what?

See y’all next week!

Kiss Hug,

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Fancy Guacamole

Okay y’all, so I am a self-proclaimed guacamole connoisseur.  I’m always adding new things in my guac, upping the flavor content.  Fancy Guacamole

A couple years ago, I tried this guacamole at a restaurant in Georgetown, TX – El Monumento.  It is one of my favorite places to go when I visit Mama J!  Not only do they have great guacamole, but they have fantastic cocktails.  It’s also just a really beautiful setting overlooking the San Gabriel River in town.  el-monumento

The first time I had this “fancy guacamole,” I basically hijacked the bowl from the rest of the table while I tried to figure out what was in it – it was something sweet! So, my Fancy Guacamole is as close to El Monumento’s version as I can come up with.

Here is my basic recipe for Guacamole:

Fair warning, I eyeball all of these amounts…
Avocados – smashed with a fork
Tomato (typically one is enough) – diced
Garlic (usually 1-2 cloves) – minced
Purple Onion (half to a whole onion depending on size) – diced
Jalapeno (seeded) – finely diced
Cilantro (handful or so, I LOVE cilantro so there is never too much) – rough chopped
Juice of 1 lime
Aside from the avocado, all of these ingredients are somewhat optional depending on your taste.  Mix together!

Okay, so that is my basic recipe…probably most people’s recipe as well.

To make it fancy, add the following ingredients:
Mango (usually 1 small mango) – diced
Red Grapes (purple grapes, whatever you call them) – quartered Fancy Guacamole (2)

Sometimes I also add pepitas & cotija cheese sprinkled on top.  However, i don’t go out of my way to buy these.

Now, I know some of you are thinking that sounds terrible, but I’d like you to adopt my wine drinking philosophy – you MUST try a wine 3 times before deciding you don’t like it, as the flavors change with each sip.  I do this with food too!

Experiment with your guac, y’all!  I think watermelon would be really good, maybe with some serrano peppers & feta.  Roasted Corn, I mean that’s a no brainer!  A few weeks ago, I used pineapple.  Avocado seviche is great.  Avocado crab salad or chicken salad.  The possibilities are endless.

What do you like to put in your guacamole?  Are you going to give my recipe a try?

Stop back by on Friday for my Southern Charm recap!

Kiss Hug,

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Southern Charm: Good Ol’ Douches

Okay, the last two weeks have been crazy busy, so I haven’t gotten to watch Southern Charm in real time.  So, instead of a traditional recap, I want to RANT about Thomas, JD, & the other “Good Ol’ Boys Douches.”  Thomas & JD

Let’s first start with Ashley.  I have three things to say about her, so far:

  1. She’s trying too hard.  Take that as you will…I mean it in all the ways you are thinking.  Ashley Quote
  2. She’s loves her camera time; does this make her an opportunist?
  3. No offense to Chelsea, but Ashley looks like the lovechild of Chelsea & Landon. ChelAshDon

Now let’s move on to Thomas.  I’ve long said that TRav was a narcissist and master manipulator.  That opinion hasn’t changed.  I’ve also claimed that he is a sociopath and probably a contributor to the #MeToo movement in Charleston; I 100% believe he got Kathryn into drugs & then used it against her.  However, I want to throw something at you and see if it sticks.

Thomas is a functioning alcoholic & drug addict.  I think he targets younger women to manipulate date.  And, because they are much, much younger they are eager to please, and therefore, susceptible to trying “fun new things.”  Drugs.  Alcohol.  Sex.  Any combo of these.  Maybe they dabble with drugs & such in the bedroom?  Then these young, jaded women get addicted to drugs & Thomas, but associate both with love because they became addicted in the bedroom.  Once Thomas tires of them, he casts them aside, & then uses their addictions to either destroy their reputations or to reel them back into his web of crazy.

As much as I love Kathryn, she made a comment on last week’s episode that “she still loves Thomas.”  It wasn’t past tense, y’all.  She has come such a long way, and I feel like he could easily pull her back in.  I think Thomas is also playing Ashley for a fool, and if she’s not careful she will wind up as Kathryn 2.0.  Their date at the end of last week was proof of my theory.

JD Madison.  Where do I even start?  I don’t know much about him or Liz, or him & Liz.  However, in my experience is that if you hang out with Thomas trash long enough, eventually you too become trash.  I find it really hard to believe that JD didn’t cheat on Liz & lose all of her trust fund on bad business deal.  It now makes so much sense why Danni turned down working for Gentry Bourbon a couple seasons ago.  She knew what we didn’t know yet.  What happened to Craig’s money that he invested?

I personally came alive when Naomi skewered JD like the douche kabob he is.  I also give praise to Kathryn for calling Austen, Whitney, & JD out for looking at the women like they were crazy for not tolerating their behavior any longer.  The Good Ol’ Boys club is dying…I hope.  Cheering

Word on the street is that Liz is furious with Naomi for going after JD.

Austen falls into this Douche category as well, but to what extent I’m not yet sure.  He basically went after one of Chelsea’s friends & flaunted it in her face.  Classic douche move.

Favorite Tweets: S5E2 Tweets

What do y’all think of the season so far?  Shep is looking down right saintly right now.

My next Southern Charm post will be on Friday.

Kiss Hug,

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June Carter Pouf

 

Okay, so you know how women say they want BIG hair?  Well, the video below shows you two ways to achieve the look.  I lovingly refer to it as the June Carter Pouf, Priscilla Presley was too long but could apply as well.

Without Further ado…

The video turns right side up when you hit play.

How do you like to do your hair?

I will be posting stuff about Southern Charm this week…I wanted to wait until it got juicy!  Also be on the look out for my Fancy Guacamole recipe coming to the blog soon.

See you later int he week!

Kiss Hug,

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Southern Charm – PreCap

Y’all, I am so excited!  May favorite Bravo show will be gracing our TVs in 3 days!!!  That’s right, I’m talking about Southern Charm, Season 5!  Cast

Instead of recapping the cast, as per ushe, I am going to precap (new term for y’all) my hopes for each cast member this season.

First off: ding dong, the dolphin is GONE!!!! Buh-bye Landon, I won’t miss you at all. Landon

Austen:
I’m kind of indifferent to Austen…I could take him or leave him.  I think in his second season his true colors will come out.  Hopefully more like an Erika Jayne & not an Aviva Drescher.

Cameran:
A great person to follow on Instagram!  Cam can really do no wrong in my book.  Her pregnancy will be fun to watch.

Chelsea:
I’m glad Chels is an official cast member!  It looks like she is still hung up on Austen, could he possibly be leading her on?  Sounds like a typical dude to me.  From the preview, it looks like Chelsea gets along well with the other women. Chelsea

Craig:
I’m so glad that Craig & Naomi break up this season; their relationship had become too toxic to watch.  Craig was a real dick when we ended last season.  I also hope he gets a real job, perhaps practicing law somewhere.  Here’s a picture of Gizmo taking Naomi’s side…I’m still neutral-ish. Gizmo

Kathryn:
Y’all, to be honest, I most excited see Kathryn…duh.  With her new bob, it seems like she has gained perspective, wisdom, friends, life lessons, you name it… She seems really put together for most of the preview.  Of course, her kids will always be her trigger, so I’m sure Thomas will manipulate that.

Shep:
Now, I couldn’t watch Relationshep because I didn’t want to ruin my illusions of my beloved Sheppy.  So, my hope is that he just keeps being Shep, but maybe a little less Shep.  You hear what I’m screaming?  Last season he left a sour taste in my mouth.  I hope he is more a man-adult this season, rather than a man-child.  I also hope he’s still single for my own selfish reasons…think he likes short, extra curvy women?

If you need a good person to follow on Twitter, he’s a great choice.

Thomas:
God, can we get this douche canoe off my TV.  Landon’s gone, so can he go next?  Thomas

Looks like he has a new girlfriend that loves to torture Kathryn as much as he does.  I’m already annoyed with him, just by looking at his stupid face in the cast photo.

B Cast (Danni, JD, Jennifer, Liz, Naomi, Whitney?):
Danni: I wish they’d go ahead & make her a full-time cast member; I love her!  She’s also a fantastic artist, check out her IG, who knew? Danni

JD: I really hope he didn’t cheat on Liz, but if you hang around Thomas trash long enough, eventually you become trash.

Jennifer: Is she back to her stirring ways?  She looks great in the preview.

Liz: She is such a kind woman.  If JD did cheat on her, I hope she takes everything he is worth.

Naomi: She lost about 100 pounds of uselessness…I’m obviously talking about Craig.  She also got a new nose & it looks fab!  Naomi

Whitney: I want the same Whitney we had last season back!  I adored that Whitney!

Are y’all as excited as I am for Southern Charm to return?

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: Women Tell All

My favorite episode is upon us, The Women Tell All!!!  I love this episode because the women are forced to face all the awful things they’ve said behind backs, in confessionals, to faces, etc.  Last night was no exception in that regard, everyone came in salty.

I thought there were some, shall we say, interesting outfits…  Caroline with the tube bra top under a blazer.  Seinne’s weird collar/halter dress.  TinkerBekah’s earrings.  Lauren G’s lingerie.  See picture below.  Questionable Outfits

So, we learned a few things from the WTA:

  • Krystal’s voice wasn’t near as grating…until you listened to what she said.
  • She has zero remorse for her deplorable behavior.
    • Her bleeped subtitles looked like Mad Libs.
  • TinkerBekah said it best, “We’d like you a lot better if you’d just say ‘Yeah, I was a bitch and I’m sorry.'”
    • Krystal is convinced that she was not the problem.
  • I legit applauded, from my couch, when What’s-Her-Name in the green dress (Olivia?) asked Krystal what happened to her voice.
    • Krystal said that she lost her voice.  Maybe that’s God’s way of saying STFU.
  • Her update on her brother (he’s no longer homeless) was ruined by her use of the word “like” every fifth word.
  • TinkerBekah loves earrings.
    • Do you think she wears such big earrings because she secretly wishes her hair was longer? TinkerBekah
    • She was very well spoken on the WTA.  If she didn’t confirm that she was going to Paradise, I almost think she could’ve been a contender for Bachelorette.
  • Seinne got a Bachelorette edit.
    • Do you think Peter would come back to be on her season?  Seinne & Peter
  • I would like Jenna’s Botox regime, stat.
    • The girl’s eyebrows do not move, & I want to get me some of that.  Her skin is flawless.
  • Tia got the biggest Bachelorette edit.
    • Yet, she still couldn’t apologize for throwing women under the bus in her moments of insecurity.
  • Caroline is my new favorite to be the Bachelorette, although it is a long shot.
    • She is fierce, and salty, and in your face.  I am here for it!
    • She was so salty to Arie; the rumor mill is saying that Caroline & Becca became besties & Arie did Becca dirty somehow.  I think she’s the one crying in the promos that we don’t see, but hear.
    • Do you think Arie will pull a Mesnick?
  • The Arie we had on the Women Tell All, is the Arie I wish we’d had all season.
  • Same goes for Chris Harrison.

Favorite Tweets: S22E9.1S22E9.2S22E9.3S22E9.4S22E9.5

My list of Bachelorette Contenders (in my preferred order):
Caroline
Seinne
Tia

Contenders for Paradise:
TinkerBekah
Jenna
Annaliese – how fun would her phobias be in Paradise?

Who do you want to see as The Bachelorette?  Who’s going to Paradise with TinkerBekah?

We have another episode tonight, which looks so good.

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: Doe, A Dear

Okay, so it’s Sunday afternoon before Women Tell All.  It’s been raining cats & dogs here in Houston, TX…so what better time to recap Arie’s hometowns while finishing up Bachelor: Winter Games.

This is going to be quick because I refuse to re-watch this boring episode.

Kendall’s hometown: Los Angeles, CA

  • Arie & Kendall stuffed Stuart Little & Templeton and then made them get married.
  • We met Kendall’s twin sister Kylie – the original Kendall & Kylie!  Kris Jenner really missed an opportunity to name Rob Kolton.
  • Kendall’s family is unimpressed with Arie.  Her dad told him that Kendall is not the one for him & didn’t give his “blessing.”

Tia’s hometown: Weiner, AR

  • Tia has a cousin named Rhonda – this is the most Tia thing I’ve ever learned.
  • Apparently, Tia & Arie had dinner with Raven & Adam.  Why didn’t we see this?
  • Tia’s dad is going to learn how to Google if Arie hurts Tia.
  • Is it really a party if pigs in a blanket are not served?

Becca’s hometown: Minneapolis, MN

  • Becca takes Arie apple picking, which looked delightful but so cold.
  • I love Becca’s family…even though I was initially scared of Uncle Gary.
  • Arie seemed the most relaxed on this date.
  • Arie & Becca have a lot of sexual innuendos in their conversations.

Becca: My uncle is a pastor.
Arie: Any advice on how I make that conversation go good?
Me: Learn some f*cking grammar.

Lauren’s hometown: Virgina Beach, VA

  • The saying, “I got it from my mama,” has never been more true than Lauren & her mother.
  • Arie is super nervous.
  • Lauren was brave to wear denim on the beach.  Who does that?
  • Based on this super boring hometown, I think Arie & Lauren will be happily boring after.

Rose Ceremony:

Arie pulls Kendall aside at the beginning of the Rose Ceremony.  Tia, insecure, says that “Kendall makes the least sense.”  She’s not wrong, but I hate that these comments only come out in her moments of insecurity.  S22E8 Rose Ceremony

Tia went home, ugly crying all the way.  She got the Bachelorette edit.  Did the right woman go home?

Favorite Tweets: S22E8.1S22E8.2S22E8.3S22E8.4S22E8.5S22E8.6

Tonight is my favorite episode of the Season, Women Tell All.  I hope the women are savage to Krystal!  I can’t wait to see TinkerBekah again.

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: The Tell Tale Heart

I can’t lie…no blog post from of Episode 6.  I had a super crazy week at work, that started out shitty but ended okay, & fell asleep on my couch every night by 8pm.  Considering that Krystal went home, I thought the episode as a whole was pretty bland & boring…Lauren Borin’.  Way to ruin Paris.  I did hear that the house boat thing the women stayed on was the first time all season that each lady had her own room.  Good for them.

Episode 7’s recap will be quick & dirty…more a Tweetcap if you will.  I’ve decided Arie is basically about as fun as Melba toast lately.  He’s also getting more & more orange base face.

Side note: the bell chimes were very aggressive in this episode…much like the heartbeat in the Tell Tale Heart.

First date: Becca “Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan Sun”

What the f*ck is she wearing?  They went to Barga.  An old breadmaker (???) tried wooing Becca away from Arie.   As much as I love Becca, there was a lot of ex-boyfriend talk.  At this point, I would have rather  have watched that Diane Lane movie instead.

Becca got the rose/hometown.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Jacqueline was spiraling…  Her breakup convo with Arie went a little something like this:

Knocking on Arie’s hotel door.  Jacqueline cries.  She steals Arie’s wine.  Arie is pissed & pours Jacqueline her own glass of wine.  Kissy face.  Kissy face.  Tears.  “I can’t see myself introducing you to my parents.”  Kissy face. Crying. Guzzle the wine.  “I don’t want to go on two dates with you & wake up in Scottsdale married a few years from now.”  Cries.  Kissy face.  Arie says, “Are you scared of me?”  Kissy face.  Cries.  Kissy face. Goodbye.  “Come back if you change your mind.”

Second date: Lauren “Let’s break down our walls.”

They go to Luca.  This is the most she has ever spoken.  She confessed her love for Arie.  Arie walked away, just long enough to make her super insecure, then came back & said he was falling for her too.

I don’t read spoilers, so I could be way off, but my theory is that for some odd reason we haven’t seen Arie is totally in love with Lauren.  He had to walk away to ask for permission to tell her how he feels.

Lauren got the rose/hometown.

Third date: Seinne “I’m searching for the one.”

Truffle hunting & made pasta & pizza.  Seinne & Arie were mostly split up during this date & you could hear bells all throughout…foreshadowing.  All I can think about is the movie Ever After on this date.  Ever After

He sent Seinne home.

Group date: TinkerBekah, Tia, & Kendall “Meet me at the love rail.”

They go to Villa Royale, which looked like a really bad movie prop.  Bell chimes again.  Tia broke the cardinal rule of not talking about another girl to the lead.  Tia warned Arie that TinkerBekah “just isn’t ready for marriage.”  Bell chimes.  At least Tia did tell TinkerBekah that she talked about her.

Are gave Kendall a rose/hometown, turning the 3-on-1 date to a 2-on-1.  Tia ultimately got the rose/hometown.

Hometowns: S22E7 Rose Ceremony

Favorite Tweets: S22E7.1S22E7.2S22E7.3S22E7.4

So I have a theory, ABC really wanted Raven to be last season’s Bachelorette, but they got in hot water for the lack of diversity.  This, Raven 2.0, Tia will be the next Bachelorette.

Until next time…

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: Glitter Bombed

Okay, since I seem to suck at getting my recaps out in a reasonable time, this one will be quick & dirty.

The Bachelor goes to Ft. Lauderdale…basically the Scottsdale of Florida.  Did Arie have to get rid of Caroline because she’s from Ft. Lauderdale?

First Date: Chelsea

So, this is basically Gilligan & Ginger on a date on a boat.  Ginger wishes it was The Professor, but still manages to say “I’m on a dream boat, with a dreamboat.”  Vom.  Chelsea pulled a super dangerous stunt by straddling Arie while he drove the jet ski.  She’s mom, in case you forgot, she should know better!  Side note:  what the hell is Arie’s giant amoeba tattoo??? (I couldn’t get a clear picture of this).

At dinner, Chelsea explained that her ex-husband (baby daddy?) was a real charmer, & left her when Sammy was 6 months old.  I kinda felt like she alluded to it being an abusive relationship, but she didn’t expressly say those words so I digress.  Her ex did her dirty, & Arie tried so hard not to say “awesome” or “amazing.”  Note to Arie, expand your vocabulary, perhaps learn some “a” words to express empathy, etc.  For example, awful, atrocious would even be appropriate in this instance.

Keeping with the Gilligan’s Island theme, Captain (& Tenille) performed a ballad for them to awkwardly slow dance together.  Chelsea got the rose.

Group Date: Maquel (she’s back…for a bit), Krystal, Becca, TinkerBekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, & Lauren. “There’s not a moment to spare.”

Arie spared (see what I did there?) no time showing us his Big Lebowski impression.  My eyes may never recover.Arie - Big Lebowski

Arie split the women into two teams: Rizzo’s team & the Blue Team & the losing team would be heading back to the hotel.  The Blue Team basically got shitfaced, which I find to improve my bowling skills personally.  Because Jenna was obnoxious awesome (and amazing), the Blue Team won.  They were real gracious about it.

Arie had a change of heart, & allowed the pink team to join the after party mostly because he wanted to suck face with TinkerBekah.  As you can imagine, Krystal took this real well.  On the bus ride back to the hotel, they all needed to done their cocktail attire, Krystal went off.  For some God forsaken reason, there were no cameras rolling on the bus.  Has the Real Housewives taught us nothing?  You always keep the camera rolling!!!!  All the other women were shocked and pissed at Krystal.

Kendall, the unsung hero of the night, confronted Krystal about the bus ride.  Krystal said her bags were packed…don’t tease us!  Basically the rest of the episode was Arie & the women playing right into Krystal’s manipulations.

At the cocktail party, Arie says “we’re all here.”  Either Jenna or Kendall piped up & said “not all of us.”  I really wanted to see how long it would’ve taken Arie to notice.  He went up to Krystal’s room & Arie basically put her in timeout.  Krystal

While Arie plays 20 21 Questions with Lauren, which I didn’t mind although he was a little too impressed with coconut milk in coffee.  Meanwhile, TinkerBekah gave the group her best Krystal impression.  Bekah - Sandra Dee

Of course this is timed perfectly for Krystal joining the party.  Rizzo

The women basically send her running back to her room.

Second Date: Tia

On the last one-on-one, we meet old as dirt Gilligan Gerald, tour guide of the Everglades.  I found this date to be a bit offensive on Tia’s behalf.  Arie loves to box her into the “good ole country gal” stereotype.  Gerald took Tia & Arie back to his place, which you too could rent for $99 per night.  Of course Gerald would be there.

At dinner, we learn that Tia lives in the city, has a PhD, & is in love with Arie.  This confession guarantees her a spot int he final four.  I’m calling it here – Tia will be the next Bachelorette.

Cocktail Party: we learn that Kendall would dabble in cannibalism.  We also learn that Krystal was just so hurt, which I think is code for f*cking furious at Arie & the women.  She claimed it was her & Arie’s first fight, which she seemed oddly happy about.  To her, that just showed that they were progressing as a couple.  Arie, on the other hand, is hoping that it will be their last fight.  Thus, we get imaginary glitter bombed. Krystal 2

Rose Ceremony: S22E5 Rose Ceremony

Favorite Tweets from the night: S22E5.1S22E5.2S22E5.3S22E5.4S22E5.5S22E5.6S22E5.7

What did you think of Episode 5?  Krystal is obviously going on the two-on-one date.  Can you believe Maquel came back, only to be sent home?  At least she looked beautiful.

Kiss Hug,

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