BIP Recap: Assholery & Villainy

Sunday:

So, we started the night with Lauren having a meltdown…cue the rolling eyes of Bachelor Nation.  I’m still not exactly sure what the drama was except that she was bored?  Um, hello.  You got a free vacation with all the booze & food you could eat.  I’m sure there is a quiet spot somewhere in which you can do yoga, meditate, or figure out what you are doing with your life besides being a mistress.  Oddly, Ashley was the voice of reason, but can they both go home already???

All of a “sudden,” Josh appears with a date card & Lauren perks right up.  Too bad she turned into her sister & couldn’t form a sentence to save her life.  Side note, I didn’t realize so many of these guys had sleeve tattoos.  Josh took Tenley on the date…dinner & dancing.  It was just a boring repeat of Graham & AshLee last season.  However, JJ was not happy & had a lot of typically JJ comments that reference strange things that don’t make sense.

Joe was the next loser guy to show up.  He was a major letdown to all the girls because they had heard that he was hilarious.  Maybe he should have shown up in his sumo-diaper with his balls hanging out?  A nice way to break the ice, I think…at least until they get sunburned.  His sunburned balls would look like those Cap’n Crunch doughnut holes from Taco Bell, which ironically enough taste like sunburned balls.  I just like to type say balls.  Balls, Balls, Balls.

Joe’s victim date was Juelia, but she basically had to ask herself on the date.  I feel like their asses & legs got so chafed on their horseback riding date.  Turns out, Joe was just using Juelia to get the rose.  I have to admit that there were a lot of teasers about “the worst villain in bachelor history” & up to this point I wasn’t sure which one of the J’s (JJ, Josh, Joe, or Jared).  I’m still a little confused by who the villain is, but I think Monday’s episode will shed some light on the situation.

Jared got the third date card & asked Clare to join him.  Of course this sent Ashley & Mikey into tailspins of varying degrees.  Ashley balled & called Clare old & said her eggs were dead.  The only thing in Ashley’s defense (???) is that Clare is 34 & Jared is 26; while 34 is not old, I do think that is a bit old for a woman to date a 26 year-old guy.  However, knowing Clare’s MO, I think they will just enjoy a good “makeout session” in the ocean.  Mikey’s reaction was a little more volatile & sad.  His perception of reality is so skewed.  Clare flatout told him on their date, when he tried to kiss her, that she was there to explore all her options.  From my couch, Mikey has no reason to be upset, as Clare was not leading him on.  Can we talk about why Mikey needed to wear his hair in a palm-tree ponytail tonight?  He looks like Bam-Bam, but had Pebbles’ hair-do.  He’s obviously crazy right?

Sunday’s Tweets of the Night:

BiP Sunday 2

 

Monday

Heavens to Betsy!  Jared’s hearing will never be the same after Clare’s hyena screaming in his ear during their bungee jumping.  What was the deal with Mikey calling Clare his beard?  Naturally, Ashley overheard Clare bragging gushing about her date, which of course is sends Ashley into another meltdown.

Once again, someone I’ve never heard of shows up.  Michael immediately bee-lined for Elevenly Tenley for his date.  PS – I’m so jealous of Tenley being able to wear backless outfits.

Mikey pulled Juelia off to the side.  Can we please eliminate “like” from Mikey’s vocabulary.  She Juelia needs to get off this show, she is way too classy!  Mikey really does not understand context clues; dude, she’s just not that into you!

Michael & Tenley’s date was pretty cool.  They walked on water, literally…notice the correct use of that word “literally.”  The Bachelor franchise needs to give all of these contestants a vocabulary & literacy test prior to each season.  Back to Michael & Tenley, that seemed like the fastest date to a kiss!  Worst thing about this date is that the producers found a way to get an annoying awkward concert…boo!  Can we stop this for real?

Jared awkwardly pointed out to Dead Eggs Clare that she is too old for him, so now that old hag, cougar package of flawless makeup & hair is back on the prowl.  Seriously, Clare has yet to sweat in Mexico.  How does she do it???  Botox?

Poor Juelia!  She has the wool pulled so far over her eyes by Joe. 😦  He’s a narcissistic sociopath.  How he managed to manipulate Jonathan & Mikey so completely is beyond me.  Did he not learn anything from the wrath Kuppah & Ian got???  HELLO!

On a side note, does anyone else think that Ashley & Jonathan would make a good couple?  She’s Princess Jasmine & he dresses like Aladdin…match made in Disney Heaven!

We end this episode with another To Be Continued… I would have thought that the Bachelorette used all those up last season!  We also end with Clare pulling a repeat of her exit on last season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Monday Night’s Tweets:

BiP Monday 2

 

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