BIP Recap: Can someone please create a line of blurred swimwear?

Ugh!  I’m so annoyed!  I’m having some technical issues tonight.  I typed up half this blog & then it disappeared.  Needless to say, this blog may be a bit shorter than planned because I can’t remember all the witty things I wrote before. 😦

Sunday

Sunday night’s part 1 of the finale began where it left off, with Jared & Ashley on their fantasy suite date.  I thought it was really weird that the date didn’t get much screen time.  Do you think the got a shitty date & lack of air time because Ashley had to ask for the date?  Do you think they just threw some rose petals on the bed at a local Holiday Inn Express?  Jared & Ashley got back to Paradise, Ashley’s hymen intact, & Jared is still completely uninterested.  Once again, Jared broke up with Ashley this time for the last time as he actually left the resort.

Mikey took this opportunity to pull Juelia aside on the beach.  He basically told her she was strictly in the Friend Zone, with no hope for progression.  Juleia cried…really?  It’s Mikey.  REALLY???  Juelia opted to go home to her daughter.  Mikey opted to remain a Tool McDouche Nugget in Paradise.  He is one of those guys who just doesn’t get it…NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN YOU.

For lack of options, Jaclyn asked Justin on a date.  God, was she desperate or what?  Why are all the girls interested in Justin?  He’s nothing special as far as I can tell.  Justin is no Matt Damon, as he claimed during Kaitlyn’s rap battle.

By the way, why was Jaclyn’s ass blurred out?  What happened to the black bar?  Did Jorge turn it into a cocktail?  Can someone please create a line of blurred swimwear to cover my ass & cellulite?

The last contestant to arrive was Cassandra.  I vaguely remember her from Juan Pablo’s season.  She is basically a sweet, naive version of Samantha.  Cue the drooling of all the guys.  She asked Justin on a date, so he blew off Jaclyn.

Justin & Samantha’s date was completely uninteresting to me.  I wasn’t invested in them at all.  I do recall Samantha mentioning the L-word.  Date one people!

In the meantime, Nick got ballsy & asked Jaclyn for her date card.  She made him squirm by doing a “Victoria Secret” photo shoot.  It was pretty funny.

After earning the date card, Nick took Samantha on the most awkward date ever.   The only thing Nick could say was how beautiful Samantha is.  We get it, SHE’S PRETTY!  Sam actually seemed a little irritated by the compliments.  Perhaps she wants to be known for more than her Panteen hair, hypnotic eyes, & devious plans?  The only thing I took from this date is that Samantha will make out with anyone for a rose.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony.  Ashley I & Dan sent themselves home.  Mikey embarrassed himself, once again, by asking Mackenzie to accept his rose.  She turned him down flat, which made me laugh out loud while hiding behind my remote.

Shortly there after, the most dramatic (and REAL, I might add) moment in Bachelor in Paradise history actually happened.  Kirk dumped Carly.  This breaks my heart, I loved Kirkly!  I think Carly should be the next Bachelorette.  Okay, so back to the moment.  I had a difficult time distinguishing if Kirk was actually breaking up with Carly, or asking to slow things down.  I have to admit that I think Carly handled herself well considering how blind-sided she was.  You could tell that Kirk felt really bad, but he handled the situation completely wrong.  He kept saying, “you deserve a conversation.”  Finally, Carly had to say, “Yes, I do but you don’t.  Leave me be.”

With that, both Kirk & Carly left Paradise.  I just hope they didn’t run into each other at the airport.

Tweets from Sunday:

BiP Sunday 6

Monday

Not much to say about Monday’s Finale, except that the long awaited engagement belonged to Janner!!!  I’m so happy for Jade & Tanner!  Her ring might be my favorite in the Bachelor Franchise.

To break it down:

Nick & Samantha – left together, & according to After Paradise are still together.

Cassandra & Justin – left together, but Cassandra is now dating Jonathan.  I like them together.

Tenley & Joshua – left separately.  According to Reality Steve, Tenley has been chatting up Ben Higgins.  If she was too old for Bachelor in Paradise, then she is too old for Ben H.

Jade & Tanner – left engaged to each other & are still very much together!

All the other couples basically looked like this:

Tweets from Monday:

BiP Monday 6

Hope you all enjoyed my first foray into blogging.  I’ll see you in January for Bachelor Ben!

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