Bachelor Recap Week 5: Caucus or Cockus

The Bachelor ruins Mexico City!  

Tonight’s episode is interrupted by the Iowa Caucus…I’ll let the Tweets speak for themselves.

Tweets - Week 5 - Iowa Caucus

The first date went to Amanda.  She is so beautiful and so sweet, but that Minnie Mouse voice – I can’t deal with.  Ben broke into the girls’ rooms at 4:30a to “see them in their element.”  That is a direct quote from one, Mister Ben Higgins.  If 4:30a is my element, then I might as well just never wake up again.  I’m not Josie Grosie anymore!!!  Josie Grosie

Amanda obviously studied at the School of Britt & woke up beautifully with shimmer eye shadow.  Ben & Amanda joined a Hot Air Balloon festival of some kind.  The date was fairly mundane, but Amanda did open up to Ben about her marriage.  Turns out, she married a total douche canoe that cheated on her & is a dead-beat dad to boot.  Ben feels for her, & she got the rose.  

Tweets - Week 5 - Amanda

Next up is the group date with Jubilee, Leah, Caila, Lauren B., Jennifer, Becca, JoJo, Emily, & Olivia.  Jubilee & Olivia were both equally thrilled to be on the Group Date.  So, the date started with a Spanish lesson; I have to say that I totally agree with Ben – if you are in an foreign country, at least, learn a few conversational phrases.  Make an effort, don’t be an ugly American!  My Spanish phrases consist of “Mas dispacio, por favor,” which means “much slower, please.”  I also know “no me gusta leche,” or “I don’t like milk.”  After the Spanish lessons & Olivia’s delusion, the women move on to a cooking competition in which they had to grocery shop for their ingredients & then cook a meal, all in hopes that their dish would make it on a menu.  Jubilee won that round, but it went horribly wrong as the date progressed.

Throughout the date Olivia monopolized Ben’s attention, the other girls fumed, & Jubilee with her bitchy resting face continued to spiral downward.  Apparently, Lauren B. & Ben’s 1-on-1 time was also extremely long – like 20 minutes, y’all.  Lauren B. is one to watch & happens to be one of my favorites.  Jubilee’s insecurities were ultimately her downfall & Ben sent her home.  I agreed with his decision, as I have zero patience for people with low self-esteem – call me cold hearted.  Somehow, Olivia managed to get the date rose, & there was an eye roll heard round the world.  

Tweets - Week 5 - Group Date

The last date of the evening went to Lauren H.  Could it be more obvious that she is a kindergarten teacher?  Okay, so Lauren totally started this date in the Friend Zone.  Did y’all know that Mexico City is known for fashion?!?  I could have sworn it was known for architecture, food, drug cartels, Zika virus, & other scary shit!  Naturally, Ben & Lauren are models in the only Mexican Ginger’s fashion show.  By the way, what are soft elbows?  They are literally the hardest point on your body!  That runway wink Ben gave Lauren – SWOON!  Similar to Amanda’s story, Lauren too was cheated on.  This took her out of the Friend Zone for Ben & she got the rose.

Tweets - Week 5 - Lauren H

At the cocktail party, Olivia fell head first into the quick sand that is her mouth.  She had the gall to compare Amanda, a divorcee with two children born into a marriage, to Teen Mom.  Are you freaking kidding me???!?!?!?  This is not ok!  Olivia moves into the MAJOR BITCH category!  She says the word “children” with such disdain.  Olivia’s comment offended everyone within earshot, & eventually found it’s way to Ben.  I’m having deja vu because this was the MOST dramatic cocktail party of the season, which lead us to the dreaded To Be Continued…

Tweets - Week 5 - Cocktail Party

Lesson learned from this episode: Ben, this is not how you hold a champagne flute!  Heather Dubrow is pissed somewhere!  How not to hold a champagne flute

Until next week: Leslie Mann & Dakota Johnson.gif

Kiss Hug,



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