Southern Charm Recap: No Inferior Martinis Allowed

WOW-wee!!!  What an opening scene!  TRav went off the handle on his guests at Thomas’ (see how I used a 3rd person reference?) dinner party.  According to Thomas, Shep is fcking too many girls.  Cameran is self-righteous, judgmental, & sanctimonious (totally disagree).  News flash: you’re on reality TV, we’re all judging you.  Landon is mean to Kathryn, & apparently Kathryn thinks Landon sounds like a dolphin (I don’t disagree).  He then proceeded to yell at them through the gate, calling the ladies “skinny btches,” as Sheppy, Landon, & Cameran drove off in a golf cart.  Thomas was intoxicated, right?!?  I cannot stand when men call women b*tches; that is not True Southern Gentlemen (TSG) behavior.  Cue to Kathryn being 7 months pregnant & TRav has a nasty black eye from a head butting incident at a bar.

Shep & Cameran went fishing to discuss the merits of #NewCraig, & for Cameran to thank Shep for using her as his Real Estate Agent.  Shep thinks Craig is no longer interested in the Law (agreed) & that he should be able to say whatever he wants to a true friend (not wrong, but he needs to be careful).  While fishing, Cameran peed off the side of the boat… girl, been there (fun times in deep East Texas).  She hit the nail on the head when talking about Kathryn & TRav’s lack of birth control & irresponsibility.  Then, my Sheppy-Poo said that he had been with over 100 women…my ears, my ears.  Eww & sad face.

At the beginning of the episode, Craig is in Delaware packing up to move back to Charleston.  Random joke: What does Delaware?  A brand New Jersey!  I got that from a Laffy Taffy wrapper.  Y’all does Craig remind you of a mix between Brandon Walsh & David Silver?  10 points if you get that reference.  Craig revealed to us that he is in L-O-V-E!  #NewCraig  His girlfriend is beautiful & is from France, originally…reminds me a little of Whitney’s invisible girlfriend.  They decided to host a “Craig is Home” party, which is clearly foreshadowing for sh*t that will go down.

Kathryn revealed that she took 30-ish at-home pregnancy tests before she believed that it was true, & surprise in her 4 day hookup with Thomas she got pregnant again.  Didn’t Kathryn once say she & Thomas do not use protection?  And she wonders how she go knocked up for the second time???  I’m #TeamKathryn; however, I think they are both on the Hot Mess Express.  Did anyone else notice how many red alerts Kathryn had on her phone when she sent that text to Thomas?

Whitney stopped by to visit Ms. Pat, & low & behold her butler is on vacation.  How can that be?  She informs us all that inferior martinis are not acceptable, & thus drinks red wine. MartiniWhitney is opening a restaurant – is this the same restaurant talked about in the other seasons?  He basically has zero interest in anything except talking sh*t about his cast mates friends to his mother.  That’s weird, right?

Cooper visited Kathryn at the plantation, to which she adopted a British/Southern accent while showing him the slave graveyard…kind of creepy.  Patricia’s hatred for Kathryn is discussed, also with a British accent…I would be afraid to say anything damning about Ms. Pat!  Just sayin’.  Both Kathryn & Patricia each think that the other is obsessed with them.  Oddly, I love that Southern Charm has found two redheads & made them be friends for air time.  From one redhead to two others. 🙂

Has Thomas hired Landon to help him design his new home?  Note – Landon has excellent posture while riding her bicycle to Thomas’ house.  I think this is a bizarre-o friendship. Landon & TRav proceeded to discuss the “Kathryn Situation” & basically said that she needs shock therapy…that’s just mean y’all.   Kathryn’s shade could easily rival any Housewife from Atlanta.  I think she could possible join Kenya’s Twirl Squad.  That convo will definitely get the wrath of Kathryn at the Reunion, for sure.

Meanwhile, Craig & Naomie (not sure of the spelling) are getting ready for their house-warming party.  Cue to all the cast members getting ready, as well.  How cute do Shep & Landon’s color coordinating outfits look?   Kathryn’s one-liners are giving me life; “I thought the 5 second rule only applied to food.”  According to Landon, Kathryn definitely needs the approval of a man & therefore does not know how to have a platonic relationship with a man.  I somewhat agree with this theory.

Craig’s outfit looks like the Pink Panther & an Italian gigolo had a baby.  I love how surprised Cameran was by the valet at a house party.  Come on Cameran, it is Charleston after-all.  “Craig has gone from Slumdog Millionaire to Fresh Prince of Charleston.”  Oh, how I love Cameran’s shade too!  Shep arrived & promptly called Craig Euro-trash (it had to be the pink pants), & TRav hit on the first sorority girl he found…oy vey.

In walked Kathryn, making the most awkward entrance ever.  I think it’s sad that she feels like she has a Scarlet Letter on her forehead; although she brought it on herself…birth control people!  She attempted to ignore Thomas, but neither of them can resist the pull of drama.  Shep & Craig made amends & are bros again, yea!  Shep also quoted Fitzgerald…swoon.  Never one to miss an opportunity to stir it up, Thomas approached Kathryn.  He promptly revealed that Kinsie’s room will be periwinkle, which she blames on Landon because she is wearing a periwinkle dress.  HAHA…dumbest argument ever.  What’s wrong with periwinkle?  I like periwinkle; in fact, my favorite house in my hometown, Georgetown, TX, is a house that I dubbed “The Periwinkle House.”

The episode ends with Thomas creepily touching Kathryn’s belly to the disgust of all the other party guests.

Here are my favorite Tweets from the night: SC - Week 1

What did y’all think of tonight’s season premiere?  I loved it!

Check back on Wednesday for my recap of RHONY.  Until next time…

Kiss Hug,

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