RHONY Recap: Eskimo Teeth

Let’s start with the new taglines.  They were all pretty good, but did anyone else think that Ramona’s was weird?  “Like a fine wine, I get better with time.”  Shouldn’t it be “better with age?”  I bet she didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that she is in her late 50’s with a maturity rivaling Avery’s (she’s 21 BTW).

Tonight’s episode began with Bethenny showing Dorinda her new beautiful apartment.  Awesome closet, awesome kitchen, awesome balcony, awesome artwork by Bryn.  Apparently Dorinda doesn’t drink anymore, & is no fun (according to her).  Bethenny is not the booze police, but she saw Dorinda with a martini in the Hamptons last summer…but did D say f*ck a lot?  These are the things we want to know.  They discussed the new girl Jules (she is a friend of Dorinda’s) & how they are going to ruin her because she’s still nice.  Carole, Adam, & their loveslut status were also mentioned.

This lead us into Carole & Adam shopping for a new camera with Baby (their sick puppy).  They are both still pissed at LuAnn over the age gap debacle.  Adam is leaving Carole for Ethiopia; this is their first time apart in a year.  Sad face.

Ramona’s intro scene is at a bar (typical) with non-housewife friends; she’s “Dating & Skating” y’all.  Naturally, she interrupts the men next to her to ask the bartender’s name.  She should’ve learned Rokia’s name right off the bat…always become BFF with the bartender – words of wisdom for you.  Cue to the free drinks from the men.  Avery & a friend showed up – they are now 21.  When did this happen?!?  Avery is so embarrassed by her mother, & her facial expressions convey all of my feelings towards Ramona.  #NotImpressed

Sonja has opened her home to LuAnn while she is house hunting; I’ve dubbed it the RH Sorority House.  Sonja still has interns, which I can’t believe they actually get college credit for painting Sonja’s furniture.  Can I get an assistant to do all my b*tch work & call them an intern too?  Sonja talked about a gala with American Indian art, which lead LuAnn to share that she is not only American Indian, but Eskimo.  A dentist once told her that she had extra bones in the roof of her mouth, to which Sonja asked how she gave blow jobs.  After Sonja explained the method for giving good head, all I can do is apologize to men I thought were lucky to be on the receiving end of my skillz.  What can I say, I have TMJ problems…

Bethenny & Ramona met for lunch.  Funnily enough, Ramona wore a dress to which Bethenny jokingly asked if it was hers.  It took her a minute to get it, y’all.  Ramona has new “titties” & Bethenny has moose balls.  Bethenny spoke about her dry spell, & apparently a month is a long time for Ramona but not Bethenny.  Weird.  They both said they were worried about Sonja & LuAnn’s partying.  This coming from someone who peddles booze & another who has Pinot Grigio on tap.  Bethenny is also annoyed that Dorinda’s John (Juicy Joe?) is constantly trying to pitch her ideas; I agree that would get real old, real fast.

At last we meet Jules.  She is a stay-at-home mom to Rio & Jagger.  She also has a live-in nanny & a housekeeper.  Jules is half Japanese, half Jewish; her husband is Colombian.  Does anyone else think her daughter, Rio, looks like Penelope Disick?  She bribes her kids to eat their dinner, but if my 8 year old threw a tantrum, he’d be going to bed hungry.  “I’m not hungry.  Can I have a Popsicle?”  And then she let him!!!

John & Dorinda go to dinner to celebrate their 87 month anniversary.  This is so gross.  It’s like someone describing their toddler as a 26 month old.  You have a two year old.  John & Dorinda have been together for a few years.  John kept trying to show some PDA, but I get the feeling that it creeps Dorinda out…it certainly does me.  Thank God the server showed up with the truffles to save us all from that horror.

Next, we go to Bethenny’s new office (for once it is not in her apartment); apparently the office smells like pot.  Perhaps they’re testing the new SkinnyGirl pot line she’s coming out with.  Her team is allowed to have free rein as long as they get the job done.  We learn that her divorce is ongoing & she pays the bills for her apartment, the old apartment, & the office.  $150,000 a year in utilities is bananas!!!

Carole & Ramona met for lunch & Carole could not get a word in edge wise, as per usual with Ramona.  It took Carole six times to get Ramona to pronounce “reggae” correctly…hi-larious, y’all.  “Rah-gay” kept me laughing all night.  Ramona & Mario are divorced & it was done in 4 months, congrats!  Ramona thought she seemed more relaxed, but Carole was quick to point out that that is not the case.  “Do you talk this much with men?  Oh, you do.” Carole’s cringe face was amazing.  Ramona’s soliloquies remind me of Mama J, sorry mom.

You knew that the lunch with Dorinda, Bethenny, & Jules was going to be interesting when Bethenny told “her John” that he wasn’t hung on the way in.  I love when people laugh so hard they can’t get their next words out.  B meant to say hungover, I think.  Jules & Michael arrived a little late.  When re-introduced to Bethenny, Jules basically called her husband an ATM.  Hmm, she reminds me of Kristen.  As the lunch went on, Bethenny proceeded to slightly offend everyone.  She brushed off Dorinda’s compliments, compared Jules to her mother (which B hates), implied that Jules has an eating disorder (not to her face, but she overheard), called Michael R2D2, & basically told Dorinda’s John to suck it.

So much & so little happened in this episode, but already I am more invested in this season than I was for all of RHOBH.

My favorite Tweets from the night: RH Week 1

What did you think of tonight’s premiere?  Was it the biggest thrill of your life?

See you on Monday for Southern Charm.

Kiss Hug,

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One thought on “RHONY Recap: Eskimo Teeth

  1. I think saying that Ramona’s maturity rivals Avery’s is not being fair to Avery. Such a fun review! I agree, this season of RHOBH was OK, it was basically the same argument for the whole season. RH needs some monster-of-the-week episodes, forget the long arc!

    A Bit to Read


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