BIP: Chad Bear is a Monster

I’m so excited that my favorite Bachelor Franchise show is back!  BIP opens with their amazing theme song.  This is obviously Chris Harrison’s favorite show too, because he actually shows up to more than the rose ceremonies.  He seems happy & back to his old self of Papa Chris/therapist/RA.

My first impression of the cast, in order of appearance:

Amanda: beautiful as ever, still loves an off-the-shoulder top

Nick: is it possible that he has gotten better looking?

  • Did he really ask Amanda if she’d ever madeout in a thunderstorm?

Jubilee: still love her!

Evan: he looks like such a dad.

  • Good to know he looks better in person, according to Jubilee & Amanda.

Vinny: I’m in “Porto Vallarty” & I’m ready to party.

Carly: I’m so glad Carly is back!  I hope it works out for her this time.

Grant: wearing the shortest shorts

  • Has he lost a little weight?

Daniel: came in wearing jean shorts

  • Grant said, “hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your belly button, Daniel’s here.”  BEST. QUOTE. EVER.
  • Daniel was such an ass in his confessional talking about the girls, comparing them to dogs & rotten fruit.  Daniel

Grant pointed out that there were a lot of birds swarming…bad omen?

Sarah: I hope she finds love more than anyone else in Paradise.

  • She would make a fantastic Bachelorette!

Emily & Haley: Daniel’s in love.

  • Daniel swooped in quickly on Emily.
  • Haley’s not so interested.

Izzy: who is Izzy?  Have I seen her before?

  • What this hell is this conversation she’s having with Daniel?

Lace: her extensions are HORRIBLE.

  • Grant thinks Lace is a mess, but is totally smitten.

Did anyone notice Daniel splashing in the ocean?  I heard an Amy Grant song playing in my head during this moment.

Jared: why does everyone drool over Jared?

  • Jubilee is in love, but turned shy instead of introducing herself.

Loved that Wells compared Chad to Piggy from Lord of the Flies at the MTA, & now Evan is comparing him to the whale in Moby Dick.  Spot on guys, spot on.

The lead in to Chad’s arrival was amazing.  Earthquake like tremors because he is such a monster.

Chad: only Daniel was happy to see him.

  • All the women thought he was good looking, but a bit scared as well.

Sarah thought Chad was onion that is misunderstood.  This makes Carly sad about life.  Lace & Chad had definite chemistry.  He did halfheartedly apologized to Evan.  Evan wasn’t buying what Chad was selling.  Daniel & Chad Bear were the first couple to hit it off in Paradise.  Daniel is planning to let the liquor do the driving  & put it in booze control.  bromance.gif

Chris Harrison showed up to explain what Paradise is about.  “The way this works best, is if everyone is sincerely here to find love.”  And, get shitfaced.  The gang proceeds to check out their sleeping arrangements.  The girls have a super cute room & the guys are at sleep-away camp.  Chad of course had to have a protein meat fix.

Jubilee received the first date card.  Who knew that she & Emily were best friends?  Emily could not be less excited for Jubilee…some friend.  Jared accepts.  Vinny yells, “have her home early.”  I’m loving BIP Vinny.  Gran & Lace seemed to be hitting it off, & by hitting it off I mean that Lace gave Grant “constructive criticism.”  She quickly moved on to Chad.

Okay, so Chad & Lace were kind of cute/funny at first.  They fought over cuddling.  The rest of the cast is wondering how quickly they’ll fizzle out.  Side note: are Vinny & Izzy (Vizzy) the new Kirkly?

Lace & Chad have a very peculiar relationship.  Fight, makeout, pour a drink on each other, dolla, dolla, bills, makeout.  And, repeat.  So weird.  Haley said it best, “They’re fighting with their faces, like kiss fighting.”  Lace somehow managed to wrap Chad around her finger.

Jubilee & Jared have dinner under a polo-pa full of pinatas.  They nerd out over LOTR…okay.  About halfway through the date Jubilee spies a clown through the pinatas & starts screaming.  This is a weird date, y’all.

Vinny & Izzy are THE couple right now.  Izzy was frustrated that Vinny hadn’t kissed her yet.  It kinda looked like he was giving her the Tina Fabulous treatment.  Anyone remember her?

Chad Bear proceeds to get more & more intoxicated, while Lace sobers up & comes out of her drunken stupor.  She no longer appreciates being called a “stupid bitch.”  Nick’s reactions were hilarious.  He said it best when he said, “God phoned it in when he made Chad.”

Poor Daniel tried to talk some sense into his friend, but he was too far gone.  In Chad’s drunken stupor he talks about murdering everyone.  Sarah stepped into the fray by defending Lace & all women.  Carly applauded.  Chad, stellar gentleman that he is, said, “F*** that one armed Bitch,” & “Suck a dick,” to everyone’s horror & disgust.  The group is officially over Chad.  Sarah

The next morning, Chad is very confused by how got in bed naked.  Apparently when Chad passed out on the beach he shit himself.  If there is a God, this really happened!!!  I choose to believe there is a God. 🙂  Chris called a meeting to confront Chad’s behavior.  Somehow, Lace feels bad for Chad because he is the “Old Lace” & has no self-awareness.  Chad is a misogynistic, disrespectful, narcissistic ass.  Chad blamed his behavior on the others not being able to handle his jokes.  Sheriff Chris kicked Chad out of Paradise because he was horrible to the cast & hotel staff.  Chad was shocked, & had the nerve to blame Lace.  Go Chris, Go Chris!  Suck a Dick

Not taking anything gracefully, Chad proceeded to berate our beloved Chris Harrison.  He yelled at Chris that he doesn’t know what happened because he was “in his hotel room in a robe drinking mimosas.”  I wish Chris has said that he was more of a Bloody Mary kind of guy.  CBH

Of course this all can’t end tonight, so as usual it is a TBC…  I want to hurt whoever made Jorge cry in the previews.

What did y’all think of the first episode of Season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise?

Until next week…  I’ll be live tweeting & recapping #RHONY tonight.

Kiss Hug,

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