BIP Recap: Paradise Lost?

We pick up where Chris Harrison left off – kicking Chad’s sorry ass out of paradise.  Everyone is thrilled he’s gone & that the resort is once again paradise.  Enter Leah to be the dream crusher…with a date card no less.  It says a lot about the type of person Leah is, at her core, when she wanted to give her date card to Chad Bear.  Hey, they both like protein.  To each his own, right?  So, what work has Leah had done?  Obviously her lips, but maybe her nose too?  Her face shape even looks different.  She looks eerily like Amanda…

The group informed Leah that Chad is in Tijuana, never to return to Jorge’s Bar.  Being resourceful, she started pulling the guys aside, one by one, to learn a little bit more about each of them.  The other women do. not. like. this.  Leah asks Nick on her date.  Amanda is jealous.

Randomly, both of the twins have scoliosis.  “Want to feel my hump?”

OMG!  The twins eating a banana makes me never want to eat another banana in my life.  Grant & Evan chat about how the girls are nervous for their lack of connections.  Meanwhile, at the bar Lace is basically having the same convo. with Jorge.  Can we please discuss Lace’s eyelash extensions gone wrong?  What’s with those tarantula legs on her face?  Grant consoles Lace & assures her that he is still interested.  He seems so level headed compared to his defensive, argumentative demeanor at the Men Tell All.

On the date, Leah & Nick go to town & try different foods & drinks.  Were they at a festival or a farmers market?  Moving on to the romantic portion of the date, the beach side kiss was so uncomfortable to watch.  Leah is smitten.  Nick is uninterested.  Was this the shortest date ever?

Another date card arrived…for Nick.  Leah automatically assumed that she’d go on the date with him.  WRONG.  He chose Amanda.  Leah cannot contain her jealousy, animosity, & insecurities.   As Amanda was getting ready, in walks Leah to mind fuck with Amanda’s head.  She accused Amanda of trying to be her, then asked why she’s so tense.  Perhaps it’s because Leah is psycho?

Nick is way more into Amanda than Leah.  Side Note: Amanda’s voice doesn’t bother me as much this season as it did with Ben.  They have great conversation.  Nick may have been sexually attracted to Leah, but he is sexually, mentally, & emotionally attracted to Amanda.  By the fireside they make out, of course, surprisingly I don’t want to gouge my eyes out.  Meanwhile, back at the resort Leah plays victim in her confessional.  Classic narcissist.

Prepping for the Rose Ceremony, all the women vie for the men’s attention.  Sarah is interested in Vinny; I think he likes her too in spite of his connection with Izzy.  I 100% support this couple.  I want Vinny & Sarah to couple up like nobody’s business!  Nothing against Izzy, but I don’t have any clue who she is.  Sadly, Carly seems interested in Evan.  As usual, Carly has to make the first move for the first kiss; Carly is disappointed & horrified.  Evan is aroused.  Awkward.  Lace makes her play for Grant.  Hook. Line. Sinker.  They totally do it…unfortunately we had to hear it.  Jubilee wants Jared, as does Emily.  Leah made desperate ploys for Nick & Daniel.

I’m really confused about the twins.  What if they each find a guy who wants to give them a rose?  Do they still only get 1 rose?  What about when it’s the women’s turn to hand out roses?  Do they have to collectively decide on 1 guy to give their rose to?  I NEED answers!!!  answers

Rose Ceremony:

  • Grant: Lace
  • Nick: Amanda
  • Evan: Carly
  • Jared: Emily (& Haley)
  • Vinny: Izzy
  • Daniel: Sarah

How sweet was Daniel to Sarah?  “We saved the best for last.”  Kiss, hug.  Jubilee & Leah got sent home.  Jubilee was a class act, while Leah played the fool.

Josh is the next newbie to arrive in paradise.  Thanks a lot ABC.  The vast majority of this hour was a pissing contest between Josh & Nick, specifically over Amanda.  I have to say I’m disappointed in Amanda.  I honestly think Josh enjoys annoying the shit out of Nick, & would have gone after any woman that Nick was interested in.

I hate all of Josh’s references to God, how blessed he is, & fate.  I feel like God doesn’t watch Bachelor in Paradise…just sayin’.  It would be interesting to see if he would have chosen Amanda had he not known that Nick was connecting with her.  Nick seems to be unraveling a bit.

Josh compared his amputee dog to Amanda’s daughters. #samsies  I am so offended by Josh’s tongue & groans.  Ewww.  It’s bad enough that I have to watch; I certainly don’t want to hear it.

On their date, Josh denied everything that Andi wrote about him.  Nick said that the less than flattering things she wrote about him had some truth to them…I’m more inclined to believe Nick & Andi.  I bet her book sales are going through the roof!  Andi

After the Rose Ceremony, & after their horrible kiss, Carly avoided Evan.  Unfortunately, he got a date card & Carly begrudgingly accepted.  Carly didn’t even change her outfit for their date.  Y’all, not going to lie – they had the worst date ever.  They had to eat Habanero peppers & then kiss to beat the Guinness Book of World Records.  Hasn’t this date been done already on another season?  Carly vomited afterwards.  Not a good omen.  Evan thought this was the greatest date ever.  Poor Carly.  Hopefully the habanero numbed her lips & she didn’t feel a thing?  spicy.gif

Back in paradise, Emily basically molested Jared trying to get a kiss…it worked.  I seriously don’t get his appeal; he has no personality.  Josh & Amanda arrive back from their date & proceed to disgust everyone by loudly making out.  It’s just plain rude, y’all.

The next morning starts with Vinny counting his abs…to make sure they’re still there?  Amanda & Josh are still making out in very public places within the resort.  Daniel & Sarah have an odd relationship…are they in the friend zone or the bone zone?

Christian was the second new guy to arrive with a date card.  He asked all the guys who had relationships.  Ultimately he took Sarah on his date.  They went on an outdoorsy, team building course…zip lining & repelling.  Christian’s vocabulary could use some expansion, but they seemed to have a great time.  I don’t trust a guy that overuses the word sexy.  I did think it was a bit strange that Sarah kept asking about Daniel’s whereabouts before & after said date.  If you’re on a date with another dude, then why does she care?

Meanwhile, Carly dumped Evan.  She was his definite dream crusher.  Carly handled herself really well in person, but her confessionals were quite catty – borderline cruel.  Jared stopped by to join in on the snark while Evan cried in his bed.

Shortly thereafter, Brandon (???) from Desiree’s Season arrived with a date card.  Apparently he was on the same season as Carly’s brother Zak.  I had no idea!!!  If I remember correctly Juan Pablo was chosen over Zak to be the Bachelor.  Way to go ABC.  Carly has all the feels for Brandon, but he chose Haley to take on his date.

Daniel valiantly tried to woo Sarah…without making a romantic move on her.  Call me crazy, but I’m still skeptical about the direction of where their relationship is going.  Is he simply vying for a rose to make it to the next week?  Is she?  What is happening here?  He opted not to kiss Sarah for “fear” of the Zika virus.  I think Sarah enjoyed making Daniel jealous by going on a date with Christian.

Y’all, Haley & Emily totally Parent Trapped Brandon & pulled a switcheroo.  Brandon, after boasting how well he could tell them apart, didn’t have a clue.  Awkward.  Is it just me, but aren’t they easy to tell apart?  Emily has way more ear piercings for one.  Emily also can’t hold her alcohol.  Their profiles are totally different as well.  Brandon – dumb as a rock?

What the hell is this disgusting group of the “Sexy Six?”  They’re all making out on the same lounge platform.  So gross.  Evan took it upon himself to create a date card for him & Amanda, which he interrupts the makeout sesh to steal her away.  This is where Paradise leaves us…this is going to work out well.

Favorite Tweets:

Who do y’all want to see couple up?  What do you think of Daniel?  Is he Chad 2.0?

Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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