BIP Recap: What’s His Name?

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First I want to apologize for not posting a recap last week.  I was babysitting during the live shows, & after watching on my DVR I deleted them thinking I would remember what happened.  Well, at 32 I’m old & can’t remember shit. So, without further ado…

We pick up in the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party (RCCP), & guess who’s crying?  Ashley I . of course.  Daniel held court over Sarah, Emily & Haley, & Ashley…it was pretty gross to witness the ladies trying to earn his rose.  Daniel loved it in his own weird way, of course.

Rose Ceremony:
Grant: Lace
Josh: Amanda
Nick: Jenn
Vinny: Izzy
Evan: Carly
Jared: Caila
Daniel: Haley (WTF!!!  How could he send my favorite, & Carly’s BFF, Sarah home?!?!)

Ashley got into her car, got a little ways down the road, & made her driver stop.  She went back to crash the rose celebratory champagne toast.  She basically begged the group to let her stay & the twins immediately agreed, which seemed to peer pressure the others to agree.  Great…  She vows to use this time in Paradise to move on from Jared…y’all, I’m holding my breath.

Carl joins Paradise – who is he?  Emily salivates over him.  No one can remember his name…poor Carl.  That’s what you get for having a horrible name.  He is hot though…according to Vinny.  Carl

Brett also immediately joins…with a lamp.  Who is he?  Ashley is almost, maybe interested in him.  Izzy is overwhelmed with her attraction for him.  Brett is in Paradise specifically to meet Caila, which Ashley loves for the possibilities this may leave for her & Jared.  Ashley told Brett to ask out who he wants to ask out, regardless of who is coupled up.  Caila agreed to his date without even thinking about it, much less consulting Jared.

Unpopular opinion, but I think Caila is manipulative & seeks attention anyway she can get it.  I have a theory that she comes off somewhat shy & uses that to manipulate the situation to her advantage.  Something just doesn’t add up for me, but she does have magical hair.

Caila proceeded to change her mind 87,000 times with both Jared & Brett.  She got what she wanted…Jared essentially begged her not to go, while Brett begged her to go.  Attention seeking…just sayin’.  Evan said, “Brett came in with a lamp, & Caila flipped the switch on Jared.”  Side note, what is with Brett’s jeans?  Do his tight jeans shrink wrap to his ankles if they get wet???  Jared thinks this is karma & that he deserves this…get some self-esteem people!  Ashley tells us that, “Jared is the new Ashley.”  God help us all.

On the double date, Carl & Emily, Caila & Brett dance on a booze cruise with a bunch of townies?  Emily & Carl totally hit if off & suck face a la Josh & Amanda.  Brett tried to give Caila a lap dance, which she turned down.  “No thanks.  I’m good.”  She’s missing the magical being that is Jared.  Ashley took advantage of Caila being away to move in on Jared.  Caila did have the decency to apologize to Brett on their date & say that she shouldn’t have gone on the booze cruise.  Back from the date, she runs straight to Jared & confirmed her feelings for him are “genuine.”  Ashley cries in the background while they makeout.  Ashley

Later that night Ryan arrived – he’s from Kaitlyn’s season.  You probably don’t recognize him because 1.) you don’t remember him, or 2.) he now has a beard & has grown his hair out.  Jared tried to pawn Ashley off on him, but she can only talk about her Jared obsession so he opts for Haley.  Daniel immediately dubs Ryan as the “Silver Fox.”  That is not the insult he thinks it is.  Side note: why does everyone still call her Ashley I. when she is the only Ashley there?

Ryan & Haley go horseback riding.  Been there, done that, but I want a twin to succeed.  So. I support this date.  Back at the resort, Grant takes Lace on a self-made 1-on-1…a couple’s massage.  This was great in concept, but then Grant mucked it up by professing his love for Lace.  Her response: “Why?”  Obviously, this bodes well for their relationship.Lace

Izzy flirts with Brett, while Vinny broods a stone’s throw away.  She then breaks up confesses her doubts with Vinny & crushes his soul.  Vinny does not take it well.  Sad face.  The next morning, or as we learned on After Paradise, that Vinny woke Izzy up, around 3pm, to announce that he was going home.  All the other couples are freaked out.

Jade & Tanner swung by the resort to hand out a date card.  Despite Ashley’s sabotage plan, they gave the date card to Jared & Caila.  I do believe that Caila has been in Paradise for 3 days & has been on 3 dates…  Grant & Lace basically fell apart while Jade & Tanner interviewed them.

Meanwhile, Jenn pulled Nick aside to make sure they were on the same page.  Does Jenn remind anyone else of Sharlene Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season?  As in, she is calm, cool, & collected.  Nick doesn’t want to be a joke (aka made a fool of) or a Trivial Pursuit question…is it just me or is that a weird way say that?

Jared & Caila had a typically boring date…making out in their underwear in a river.  Caila wore black panties, & if you’ve ever seen 10 Things I Hate About You you know what that means.  Caila’s damn hair still looks perfect in the rain.  Bitch.

Evan & Carly go on another terrible looking date.  I was terrified that it was going to be Tantric yoga, but turned out to hot meditation/confessionals.  Carly managed to get her lady boner back for Evan.  God Bless…  Didn’t Carly have a similar date with Chris Soules?

Y’all, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, much less confessing it here, but Evan gave me some Patrick Swayze vibes in that hut!!!

Meanwhile, Ashley got her hooks into Jared deep.  She seems to take great pleasure in mind-f*cking with him & Caila.  While, I do agree that Caila is a bit robotic & standoff-ish.  I applaud her for confronting Ashley, & she was correct in everything she said to Ashley on the beach.

We leave this week with previews of a big fight between Josh & Nick…looks so good!

My favorite Tweets of the night:  3.13.23.33.43.53.63.73.83.9

What did you all think of this week’s episode(s)?  When is Wells going to get there & woo Ashley?  I can’t take anymore Jared obsession.

I’ll be live tweeting #RHONY tonight, while I make potato soup, & the recap will be up tomorrow.  Feel free to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, or like the Analogy of Reality page on Facebook. 🙂

Kiss Hug,

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