BIP Recap: Tacos, Puppies, & Good Talks

So, this week began right where BIP left us…the face off between Caila & Ashley.  You guys I could not care less about the fight between Becky with the good hair & Kardashley, over Snaggle Tooth.  Old news.  Snooze fest.  Ashley, mature woman that she is, blamed her piss poor behavior on the passing of her dog.  So many people in Paradise use loss as an excuse to be a garbage person…not okay.

I guess all dogs really do go to Heaven because shortly thereafter, Wells arrived in Paradise to harps, angels, & barking (not the other cast mates!).  His entrance was amazing!  So, I personally don’t follow Wells on social media because I’m not that invested in him, but from what I hear he is hilarious & a huge dog lover.  Check out his charity, Tacos Save Lives.  Cue the taco puns for the rest of the night.

Everyone, boys & girls alike, kind of strong armed Wells into choosing Ashley for his date. Everybody, including the crabs want Ashley on this date.  It got a standing ovation – how embarrassing for Ashley, but so funny for me to watch.embarrassing

They had a fairly tame, but charming, date with the loudest chrunchiest tacos ever (or were they tostadas?) & talked about their favorite bands.  The Talking Heads vs. Hanson (really Ashley?)  Michelle Collins on After Paradise said that Hanson is the kind of band that you love before you lose your virginity…HYSTERICAL.  They wound up sharing their leftovers with a homeless pooch.  Heart eyes!

Meanwhile back in Paradise, Jared & Caila sucked face a la Amanda & Josh.  gross.gif

Grant & Lace seem to be still having trouble in Paradise.  Lace has definitely been spoiling for a fight.  Grant walked off in a huff wearing jorts; Lace stormed off to her room.  Grant went chasing after her in jeggings…y’all, I’m so confused by these wardrobe changes.  I think Grant feels like has to be a hero & rescue Lace (he is a firefighter), & let’s face it Lace does need to be rescued from herself from time to time.

As usual, being the insensitive couple they are, Josh & Amanda flaunt their makeout sesh in front of a grumpy Grant.  Y’all, how are they still making out all the time?  Yes, everyone has three sets of tonsils & each of you know what the other is missing…we get it – you like each other.  By far they most disgusting thing Josh has done was ask Amanda to guess what skittle was in his mouth by tasting it off his tongue.  Heebie Jeebies.  super gross.gif

Damn it, now I want some Skittles & I hate tasting the rainbow.

Jen (Jenn?) & Nick were being sweet & snuggly, so Amanda graciously offered them the Boom Boom Room.  Amanda said that she was exhausted & going to sleep in her bed.  As Nick & Jen were heading up the stairs, Josh yelled out “Just so you know we are sleeping up there tonight.  Just lettin’ y’all know.  My fan is up there reserving the room.  Thank you though.”  Thoroughly confused, they explain that Amanda said they could have the room.  Seriously, after all Josh’s sweaty sex why would they want to sleep in the BBR???  Poor Amanda is dead alseep to the world.  Josh is the worst.  He literally woke Amanda up to ask if she was ever going to sleep with him again.  Perhaps, Beatrice has come to town & she has cramps, or she doesn’t want to get in the Bone Zone with you Josh!  Ever think of that?  Amanda, half asleep, says that she is too tired.  Josh, loving dude that he is, pops her on the back & says “Good. Talk.”  The two most terrifying words uttered in Paradise.  Josh sleeps alone…ass.

Daniel was desperately funny vying for Haley, Emily, & Izzy’s roses.  WTF is Carly wearing at the Ceremony???  But, even so Evan confessed his love for Carly – oddly enough she loves him too!  She is the most surprised by it.  Prior to the Rose Ceremony, the Twins pull Nick aside to ask about Josh as they are tired of pushing their concerns away.  Who knew Amanda was their BFF?

Rose Ceremony:
Carly: Evan
Ashley: Wells (Jared was more excited)
Jen: Nick
Izzy: Brett
Caila: Jared
Lace: Grant
Amanda: Josh
Haley & Emily didn’t give out roses.

Emily & Haley basically took out half the cast, & now all the fun people are now gone. Before they leave, however, they confess their concerns to Amanda regarding Josh.  They tell her in twin tandem…must be a twin thing to ask him lots of pointed questions & to check his temper at the door.

This ignites Josh’s fury.  Amanda said multiple times to Josh that she didn’t want to discuss it, yet he forced her to anyways…douche.  He says that the book is ludicrous, & his dog has been battling cancer & going to chemo.  He’s really distraught over his dog, so he came to Paradise…naturally.  Josh decided to confront the group, against Amanda’s wishes. What a jackass move that he made the entire group come to him instead of going to them.  Why is this the first time we are hearing about his dog?  Stupidly, he asked the group if they thought he wasn’t being genuine.  Nick piped up & said that he didn’t know. Josh argues like a middle schooler.  This entire confrontation is so dumb.

Josh packed his bags & asked Amanda to leave with him.  She wanted to stay – its the only vacation she gets from being a mom!  Shocker…Josh decided to stay for her.  Blah, blah, blah, boring.  Josh is a narcissist, but Amanda is definitely a masochist.

The next morning Wells was the first to wake up in Paradise…he basically had the resort to himself.  I would have loved it, & relished that alone time!  In comes Jami, or as Ashley called her a random Canadian.  I don’t know if it was slim pickin’s, but Jami asked Wells on her date.  As Jorge said, the early bird gets the worm.  The ATV’s looked so fun & their bathing suits matched, so clearly it’s true love!  Please tell me Jami was wearing a romper & not an ass baring dress.  Side note, I have super coarse, curly hair like Jami.  Mine looks just like hers when it was air drying.  teen witch

Nick & Jen took one for the team, & told Ashley about Wells’ date.  Shocking everyone, Ash was cool about it…shocking no one she focused her attention back on Jared & Caila.  One thing we learned is that Jared likes to slap an ass in bed.  The Producers Ashley was straight up devious & drove them out of Paradise.  This was the only moment that Jared manned up.  He told Ashley that it was about him, not her.  Caila said it best when she said, “There is so much baggage here, & it’s walking around in red lipstick.”  Did anyone else notice that she left barefoot?

Wells & Jami return to the resort & Ashley is pissed that they arrived holding hands.  Do you think Ashley fought over boys at the tether ball pole or four square court?  That’s her level of maturity.  She doesn’t want Wells to “mingle around Paradise.”  Poor Wells is the monkey in the middle between Jami & Ashley.

Enter Lauren & Shushanna.  Lauren is vibing Brett, while Shushanna wants a piece of the skinny Wells taco…off to a surfing double date they go.  Izzy who?  Ashley & Jami who? Brett borrowed Daniel’s lines & said, “I brought my beetches to the beech & Lauren looks scrumptious.”  Ugh.  Did anyone else think that Lauren seemed really drunk on the date with Brett?

Shushanna does come on very strong with Wells…clearly she’s a sex panther.  Wells seemed to be unraveling a bit trying to juggle 3 women in 3 days…I sense a Fatal Attraction moment.  However, he does not regret glancing at Shushanna’s derriere.  He compares her to a Bond Girl.  Cue the Bougie Bossanova music during their hot makeout sesh.

Nick prepared Ashley to not receive a rose.  Carly & Evan pull a Josh & Amanda on the Beach beds…I can’t deal anymore!  Amanda received a date card, any guesses who she took?  At this point so many people have warned Amanda against Josh; if he turns out to be the person everyone fears he is – it is now on Amanda her fault for staying.  She has made her bed & now has to lie in it.  I fear that this will blow up in her face.

Once again I babysat this week, so I only have my favorite Tweets from Monday night.

What did you all think of this week?  Are you excited about Nick being the new Bachelor?!?  I am Ashley level obsessed with this decision!!!  Bravo Mike Fleiss.  Casey Approved.  Who do you think will get engaged on next week’s Finale?  Evan & Carly?  Josh & Amanda?  Brett & the lamp?  Jorge?  Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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