VPR Recap: Kentucky Muffins = Food Babies

Y’all, Vanderpump Rules came back with a bang!  Brace yourselves because this blog will not be nice to any of the SUR-vers.  I forgot how toxic this crew is, even my beloved Stassi.toxic

Last night’s episode had far too much slut shaming & fat shaming.  Funny how Scheana gets offended when she is skinny shamed on social media, yet thinks nothing of slut shaming Lala right out of SUR.  However, the most offensive thing going on at SUR, is that LVP has not updated their uniforms.  Those little, ugly purple dresses flatter no one.

So, I noticed a few things right off the bat.  Peter & Sandoval have different hair.  One is great & one is horribly, horribly wrong.  Is it just me or does Katie have some weird bangs situation going on?  Is she growing them out?  Is it a cowlick?  Also a couple of the SUR staff have put on a few LBS, but I’m a lady & will not mention names.  You know who you are.  Lay off those goat cheese balls & Rosé.

Remind me again why Katie & Scheana despise Lala so much?  This reminds me of Season 1 when Scheana was new to SUR, & Stassi et al. called Scheana a homewrecker & shunned her for presumably being slutty.  Anyone else get that vibe?  Rumor is Bible at SUR.  Might I remind Katie & Scheana that they are SUR-vers & Lala controls where guests are seated; their treatment of her could directly affect their tips…  Never piss-off the hostess.

Back behind the bar, Jax being Jax, revealed to Tom 1 that he came home one night to Kristen going to town on Brittany’s Kentucky Muffin.  Thank you for that gem of a saying LVP!  Of course Kristen went down on Brittany, she is incapable of monogamy to man or woman.  I’m ready for Jax & Kristen to put us all out of our misery, & run off together never to be heard from again.  Is Kristen a closeted lipstick lesbian – that would make so much sense.  Tom says that this is no big deal & basically said that it’s expected when you move to LA.  As Stassi said, “This is not normal.”

Moving on…the staff + Stassi & Kristen head to the OK Magazine party.  Everyone pretty much arrived before James & Lala, with the exception of Tom & Ariana, who were changing in the bathroom & snarking on Kristen’s lesbianonic proclivities.  Lala & James arrived to join the party, & Stassi flat out said that it was rude of them to even think they could sit at their table.  Katie chimed in with her agreement.  mean-girls

Now, regardless of what Stassi said – James & Lala both work at SUR & this was a SUR party, so they had the right to join the SUR group.  However, I do think Stassi instigated the incident that ensued.  James, not liking the groups attitude, proceed to ask Scheana if she had recently had a nose job, & asked Katie if she was pregnant.  Lala chimed in by saying that none of the ladies (can we call them ladies?) had not been working on their summer bodies.  Scheana jumped up & shoved James, spilling his drink, & started a fight.   Jax was waiting for a reason to hit James & boy did he get one.

As much of a Tool McDouche Nugget as James is, the rest of the group’s hands are not clean.  Most of them have a valid reason for disliking James – they are friends with Kristen after all, but Lala does not deserve their wrath.  And to be perfectly honest, Katie should only be slightly upset with Lala for looking horrible & acting a fool at her engagement party’s after party.  This can all be traced back to Kristen crashing said party.

Shortly after Jax & cast were calmed sitting down, Sandoval & Ariana arrived.  Katie immediately scolded them for being friends with James & Lala.  Being that they are adults, they each spoke with James & Lala to get both sides of the story.  Tom told James that he has Tourettes of Insults – truer words have never been spoken.  James is the Kelly Dodd of this cast.  James basically burst into tears about his father’s abandonment – dude, it’s okay to be upset about your parents divorce, but perhaps you should have stayed home.

Next day, Katie has a moment with LVP at Villa Rosa.  Apparently Lisa needs an assistant & Katie drew the short straw.  She will be getting paid $30 an hour…um, I’ll take that job.  Katie also tattled on Lala & James, but conveniently left out her part.

I’m really stressed about by Jax & Brittany’s apartment.  Why would a hallway end in a triangle???  What sadist designed that concept?  Is this the corner where Brittany puts Jax when he’s being an ass? dunce

Does anyone else think that Jax is torturing Brittany in the hopes that she will break up with him…because he’s a child.

Meanwhile over at Katie & Tom 2’s apartment, they host a little wedding planning bitch sesh (you should listen to that podcast!).  Stassi made bedazzled wine glasses for everyone, which I was truly appalled by.  That seems more the Scheana thing to do.  Poor Tom…he will basically be marrying all of these women & be their bitch.

I think it would be fun to recast the SUR crew as Housewives…
Stassi – Bethenny Frankel
Kristen – Brandi Glanville
Ariana – Caroline Manzo or Carole Radziwill
James – Kelly Dodd
Scheana – Lisa Rinna
Brittany – Brandi Redmond
Katie – Kyle Richards
Tom 1 – Heather Dubrow
Tom 2 – Meghan King Edmonds
Jax – Dorinda Medley
Lala – Porsha Williams

Which HW do you think they’d be?

My favorite Tweets from the night: s5e1-1s5e1-2s5e1-3

Who’s your favorite on Vanderpump Rules?  Who do you love to hate?

Until next week for more #PumpRules…  Don’t forget tomorrow I’ll be doing a What’s Up Wednesday post, & Friday will be the first Christmas playlist of the season!

Kiss Hug,

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