The Bachelor: Janu-Snorie

You guys, I’m so sorry this post is up so late!  My laptop died about 30 minutes into Monday night’s episode & I was house sitting at the time & didn’t have my battery.  So, now I’m finally back at my house for more than 10 minutes…to be honest I was more worried about my pipes freezing than JanuARIE.  Now I’m re-watching the episode to ensure that I give y’all a thorough recap…because I’m dedicated like that.

Okay, so it’s night 1 of The Bachelor and for some god forsaken reason ABC decided to make us suffer through the same “Road to The Bachelor” preview we got a few weeks ago.  EmilyDoes this mean we don’t have much this season?  Most likely.  Does this mean Arie is boring?  Yes.  Does this mean the women suck?  Probably.  How come we didn’t get an Arie shower scene?

As most of you know, this is my least favorite episode of the season; yes, I realize I’m in the minority here.  There’s just too many blondes at this point & I can’t tell them apart.

Before the limos, I have a few questions:

Why was Raven & Grey Suede not camera ready?  Why was Kendall singing & playing the ukulele to a seal in a tree?  That seems dangerous.  Why did the parents of TinkerBekah’s charge allow the baby to be in her package, but not themselves?  Also, I want to meet that baby’s mom; she is brave to hire a cute young pixie.  Why is Krystal feeding random guys?  I don’t think they’re homeless.  Why hasn’t she seen her brother in so long?  Also, why is Chris Harrison wearing the ugliest tie ever made?

Limo 1:
Caroline: She wore white latex-looking wedding dress & told Arie a lame realtor joke.
Chelsea: she had a great black dress & tried to be mysterious.
Kendall: she wore hideous baby pink shiny, wrinkled dress held together by strings.
Seinne: her name is pronounced See-inn.  She’s gorgeous & my front-runner so far.  She gave Arie elephant cuff links, which I liked because it wasn’t so gimmick-y.
Tia: she brought Arie a little wiener (gimmick-y).  I didn’t love her dress, but she looks like Becca Tilley & JoJo Fletcher’s lovechild, but sounds like Raven. Becca & JoJo

Inside the house the limo 1 ladies think Arie is “really, really, handsome & so comforting.”  That’s a direct quote.

Limo 2:
Bibiana: She did not give me much of a first impression; however, she was already talking babies in the confessional.
Bri: she threw a softball to him.  I was surprised he caught it.
Jenny: she wore a nice-ish dress.  Arie thinks she is very beautiful.
Brittane J: she put a bumper sticker on his butt that said “Nice Butt.”
Jacqueline: she is gorgeous!!! Front runner from this limo.  She gives me Carly vibes.

Limo 3:
Krystal: she wore a great red dress.  I hate her voice.  They did a weird meditation thing.  She has this weird Stepford Wives look on her face & that sickeningly sweet voice – she’s bat-shit crazy y’all.  You heard read it here first.
Nysha: she basically wore lingerie
Valerie: ugly yellow dress & purple hair

Inside the mansion during limo 3, the women start to freak out that there are so many women & that they are all so beautiful.  Have they seen this show???   Chelsea says, “Let’s just say that the hair is down & the boobs are out.”  She’s letting her insecurities show…

Bekah “TinkerBekah”: she pulled up in a classic car, 1965 Mustang.  Her dress was a hideous fluorescent yellow/green dress. I will only refer to her as TinkerBekah from here on.  Unfortunately, she is the front runner from this group.

The producers are obviously setting Chelsea up to be Olivia 2.0 from Ben Higgins season, & setting us up not to like her.  However, I think Krystal will be the real villain of the season…calling it now.

Limo 4:
Jenna: she has a strong accent.  Is she drunk?  Blue cut-out dress.
Jessica: she’s pretty cute.  Kinda reminds me of Arden Myrin.  She gave him a dust collector gratitude rock.
Marikh: she is ready for “some salt and pepper in her life.”
Olivia: She wore a seas green dress & talked about Emily…that cannot bode well for her.
Becca K: she had a great dress.  She made Arie get down on one knee & ask her “to do the damn thing.”  I’m not sure Arie knew which knew was his left knee.  She is one of my front runners…at least for the next episode.

Valerie is panicking at the number of women coming in behind her.  Again, has she not watched the show before?

Limo 5:
I love that ABC just said F it, put all the Laurens in one limo.
Lauren S: She wore a black dress with a weird cut-out & a tie between her boobs.  She is very peppy.
Lauren J: She wore a white dress.  Y’all this is a bold move because it could go bridal real quick.  She gave him huge Mardi Gras beads.
Lauren B: she wore a silver pageant dress.
Lauren G: they sped through her intro, blue & silver dress.  She did address the fact that Arie had just met a few other Laurens.

All the gals in the house are shocked to meet so many Laurens.  Chelsea quickly quipped, “Four Laurens walk into a room, b& none of them get chosen…”

Limo 6:
Ashley:  she wore a short champagne colored dress & brought a racing flag.
Brittany T: she wore a short black dress that was all boobies.  Her hometown changed from her bio?  She attempted to speak Dutch to Arie…kinda butchered it.
Amber: she owns a spray tan company – I totally thought the she would for sure own a pot dispensary in Denver.  She told Arie that in her line of work she sees a lot of “Bleep.”  Did she say dick or pussy?  Is this really a thing?

Meanwhile, in the house all the women are basically spying from the front door.  They would suck a playing Sardines.

Limo 6 Continued:
Ali: she asked Arie to smell her armpit, get it?  A pit stop…also disgusting.  However, from a chemistry perspective, smell & pheromones are important in the whole attraction thing.  She gives me Lala Kent vibes from Vanderpump Rules.
Annaliese: she came out dressed like a “kissing” bandit; it didn’t hurt my feelings.  He was very handsy with her.  Front runner from this limo.  That mask is so going to crease her hair.

Okay, inside the house TinkerBekah is rolling her eyes at Annaliese’s costume.  Now for a hot minute I wondered if TinkerBekah was a 105 yo pixie or 22 because she was drink whiskey…neat.  I’m 34 & can’t even do that without making a face.  Then I saw that she had a French manicure, so she’s definitely 22 years old.  She’s also really feeling her ’65 mustang entrance…the we hear the revving of another car…and slowly her smile fades.

Formula 1 Car:
Maquel: she came in a formula 1 car & shake her hair out or “Whip her head back & forth,” as Brittany T. said.

The women were jealous that they didn’t think of that dramatic entrance.  Ladies, if a race car driver is The Bachelor & you don’t think of a racing joke, gimmick, pun, etc. then this might not be the show for you…  You’ll have to get the flat tummy tea endorsement somewhere else.

I really want to know why ABC decided on 29 women?  That is such an odd number to me.  Why not 30?

Chelsea grabbed Arie first.  Let the bitterness ensue.  Arie is intrigued by Chelsea, & she wants it to remain that way.   Maquel quickly stole him from Chelsea.  She told the other women that the one that makes all the noise stole him.  Being photographer, Maquel decided to spend her time taking selfies with Arie.

I loved Jacqueline’s conversation with Arie…it was a real life conversation one should have on a first date.  She brought up the very valid point that Arie was more successful in a “Bachelor” type of environment as opposed to dating in the real world.   Y’all she “therapised” him.

Up nest, he spoke to Marikh.   Meanwhile, inside Nysha, Olivia, & Lauren G talk about interracial dating.   We then see Ali talking to Arie about Emily…not a good sign.

Brittany T. & Arie race in tiny toy cars & the winner got a kiss.  It turned into more of a bumper car situation as Arie had to push Brittany over the finish line.  Arie gave Brittany the most tepid “Arie” kiss.  The women were not happy that Brittany got the kiss…especially Chelsea.

Kendall plays a little tune for Arie on the ukulele.   Caroline seems a little drunk, but ordered a pizza for Arie.  Lauren G blindly feeds him pineapple, which she says is her safe word.   Apparently food is the way to Arie’s heart.  Jenna gave him a weird foot bath.  Arie says that Jenna is a little wild, he is confused & intrigued.  Annaliese finally removed her mask…drum roll – she looks the same.  Although, she’s not into nick names & neither is Arie.

Becca’s mom wrote down questions for her & Arie to answer.

Back in the house, some of the women are antsy that they haven’t had time with Arie, which of course is also when Chris Harrison brought in the FIR.  Do you think he waits in a room until someone complains that they haven’t gotten to talk to the lead, & that’s his cue to drop the First Impression Rose?  Also, I don’t understand not talking to the lead on the first night…they literally have ALL night to make a move.  I place a little blame on Arie, because if I was him I’d be very methodical & make sure I talk to every single person lest I send “the one” home.

Bri mentions that “the only thing that would make her mad is if people start going twice.”  Que a producer to send Chelsea back in while Arie is talking to Krystal.  At this point, Krystal deserved to be interrupted because when Arie said he wanted to know about her.  Krystal’s response was, “I’m a Libra.”  Like the rest of us, Arie does not care.  How the hell does Arie think Krystal’s voice is soothing???  I find it psychotic.  Krystal’s voice is completely different in her confessionals.

Chelsea & Arie made out, & I was totally grossed out by the visual & the noises.

Jenny drew a picture of Arie, & he LOVED it.  It was pretty good.  Jessica made the mistake of telling Arie the her deceased father has met him.  During his talk with TinkerBekah, she asked him to tell her 3 things that get him excited to be alive.  He said excitement, which she called him out on & he changed to adrenaline (is that the same thing?), pizza, & good company.  Can you feel me rolling my eyes all the way from Texas?

Chelsea got the first impression rose…we saw that setup coming a mile away, right? giphy.gif

The women’s pictures in b&w are who went home. S22E1 Women Left.PNG

Arie got rid of quite a few of the “older” women.  Let’s just say he got rid of only one of the 23 year olds, the rest are over 26.

My favorite tweets from the night: S22E1.1S22E1.2S22E1.3S22E1.4

So far this season, we have a lot of realtors, a lot of deep V dresses, a lot of blondes, & what looks to be a lot of cat fights.

What did y’all think of the season opener?  Were you sad to see anyone specific stay or go?  I personally would have liked to see Jessica stay, they were setting us up for that with the sob story.

An interesting tidbit for you…apparently Maquel had a starter marriage, as in she was married in May 2016.

I’ll be more timely with my recap next week…I promise!

Kiss Hug,

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