Okay, since I seem to suck at getting my recaps out in a reasonable time, this one will be quick & dirty.
The Bachelor goes to Ft. Lauderdale…basically the Scottsdale of Florida. Did Arie have to get rid of Caroline because she’s from Ft. Lauderdale?
First Date: Chelsea
So, this is basically Gilligan & Ginger on a date on a boat. Ginger wishes it was The Professor, but still manages to say “I’m on a dream boat, with a dreamboat.” Vom. Chelsea pulled a super dangerous stunt by straddling Arie while he drove the jet ski. She’s mom, in case you forgot, she should know better! Side note: what the hell is Arie’s giant amoeba tattoo??? (I couldn’t get a clear picture of this).
At dinner, Chelsea explained that her ex-husband (baby daddy?) was a real charmer, & left her when Sammy was 6 months old. I kinda felt like she alluded to it being an abusive relationship, but she didn’t expressly say those words so I digress. Her ex did her dirty, & Arie tried so hard not to say “awesome” or “amazing.” Note to Arie, expand your vocabulary, perhaps learn some “a” words to express empathy, etc. For example, awful, atrocious would even be appropriate in this instance.
Keeping with the Gilligan’s Island theme, Captain (& Tenille) performed a ballad for them to awkwardly slow dance together. Chelsea got the rose.
Group Date: Maquel (she’s back…for a bit), Krystal, Becca, TinkerBekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, & Lauren. “There’s not a moment to spare.”
Arie spared (see what I did there?) no time showing us his Big Lebowski impression. My eyes may never recover.
Arie split the women into two teams: Rizzo’s team & the Blue Team & the losing team would be heading back to the hotel. The Blue Team basically got shitfaced, which I find to improve my bowling skills personally. Because Jenna was
obnoxious awesome (and amazing), the Blue Team won. They were real gracious about it.
Arie had a change of heart, & allowed the pink team to join the after party mostly because he wanted to suck face with TinkerBekah. As you can imagine, Krystal took this real well. On the bus ride back to the hotel, they all needed to done their cocktail attire, Krystal went off. For some God forsaken reason, there were no cameras rolling on the bus. Has the Real Housewives taught us nothing? You always keep the camera rolling!!!! All the other women were shocked and pissed at Krystal.
Kendall, the unsung hero of the night, confronted Krystal about the bus ride. Krystal said her bags were packed…don’t tease us! Basically the rest of the episode was Arie & the women playing right into Krystal’s manipulations.
At the cocktail party, Arie says “we’re all here.” Either Jenna or Kendall piped up & said “not all of us.” I really wanted to see how long it would’ve taken Arie to notice. He went up to Krystal’s room & Arie basically put her in timeout.
While Arie plays
20 21 Questions with Lauren, which I didn’t mind although he was a little too impressed with coconut milk in coffee. Meanwhile, TinkerBekah gave the group her best Krystal impression.
Of course this is timed perfectly for Krystal joining the party.
The women basically send her running back to her room.
Second Date: Tia
On the last one-on-one, we meet o
ld as dirt Gilligan Gerald, tour guide of the Everglades. I found this date to be a bit offensive on Tia’s behalf. Arie loves to box her into the “good ole country gal” stereotype. Gerald took Tia & Arie back to his place, which you too could rent for $99 per night. Of course Gerald would be there.
At dinner, we learn that Tia lives in the city, has a PhD, & is in love with Arie. This confession guarantees her a spot int he final four. I’m calling it here – Tia will be the next Bachelorette.
Cocktail Party: we learn that Kendall would dabble in cannibalism. We also learn that Krystal was just so hurt, which I think is code for f*cking furious at Arie & the women. She claimed it was her & Arie’s first fight, which she seemed oddly happy about. To her, that just showed that they were progressing as a couple. Arie, on the other hand, is hoping that it will be their last fight. Thus, we get imaginary glitter bombed.
Favorite Tweets from the night:
What did you think of Episode 5? Krystal is obviously going on the two-on-one date. Can you believe Maquel came back, only to be sent home? At least she looked beautiful.