BIP Recap: The Least Dramatic Finale Ever

This recap will be fairly short, as I felt like there were little to no surprises.  Thanks a lot Mike Fleiss for spilling the Bachelor beans a week too early.

Tiara (the chicken girl) showed up on the next to last day in Paradise.  Y’all, she didn’t bring her chicken – how are we supposed to know who she is?  The only Tierra/Tiara I want on my TV is the one with a dented forehead full of sparkle!  Nick sweet talked Tiara’s date card for him & Jen – pretty bold move.  The only thing I’ll say about Nick & Jen’s date is that I give Jen props for attempting to speak Spanish as much as she was able to the locals. There is really no need to discuss the date further now that we know he is the next Bachelor.  It kind of put a damper on watching them.

Brett is Bradley Cooper’s character from Wedding Crasher’s.  He decided to break things off with Izzy because he liked Lauren better.  I could not care less about Izzy; she brought this on herself.  Izzy became slightly hysterical & decided to leave Paradise right then & there to pursue things with Vinny.  Did anyone notice that she was leaving the resort by walking towards the ocean?  Girl, you don’t have to swim to Florida.  She magically wound up in the BIP airport van & called Vinny.  vinnyHe didn’t know who it was & turned her down cold.  Vinny is too good for her!  I’m still secretly wishing Vinny & Sarah got together.

Rose Ceremony:
Josh: Amanda (ugh)
Nick: Jen
Grant: Lace
Evan: Carly
Brett: didn’t give a rose out; the only non-douchey thing he’s done.
Wells: Ashley

This has been the MOST PDA cast ever!!!  Is it really necessary to makeout as you accept the rose?  I. Think. Not. pda

The next morning Chris showed up to do some hosting duties by informing the remaining couples that they would be going on their respective Fantasy Suite dates.  Wells decided he did not want the responsibility of de-virginizing Ashley & promptly dumped her…smart move.  Where’s Daniel – he’d be happy to do it.

Dates (Pre-Fantasy Suite):
Grant & Lace: matching tattoos & friendship bracelets
Evan & Carly: weird naked painting (of course!)
Nick & Jen: really terrible surfing (I could watch Nick fall all day)
Josh & Amanda: watching kids play soccer?

Who is crazier?  Grace for getting matching tattoos from a guy named Chops wearing a belly shirt, or Amanda just for being with Josh?  To be fair to Nick & Jen, the water looked pretty rough for surfing.  Josh might have ruined pizza for me, & for that alone I will hate him forever. josh

Moving on to the morning after…Evan & Carly had breakfast while Evan rapped a sweet love song to her, then left in a robe.  Grant awakens to major doubts – could it have been the tattoo? He left in his robe too.  Nick & Jen were awkwardly cute?  Amanda & Josh were gross as normal, but I did like that they finally really, really addressed her kids.

All the guys met with Neil Lane to pick their ugly engagement rings.  Neil threw major shade at Nick & Josh, which I loved.  SOS to Neil – please stop with the halo rings.  Enough is enough.  I still think Jade has the best ever Neil Lane ring. jades-ring

The only engagement I truly watched was Carly & Evan’s because they are the only ones I care about succeeding.  ALL the engagements sounded like the vows they may never say, & were each about 10 minutes too long.  The only couple not to get engaged prematurely was Jen & Nick.  Hmmm, I wonder why???

My favorite Tweets from the night: 5-15-25-35-45-55-65-75-85-95-105-11

What did y’all think of the Finale?  Did Mike Fleiss’ Nick as the Bachelor announcement ruin it for you too?  On a positive note, I am thrilled that BIP got renewed for a 4th season; however, if Ashley shows up then I will boycott.  There are plenty of other crazy people in this franchise to exploit.  I’m looking at you Olivia.  I’m looking at you Tierra.

Until January for Bachelor recaps…sad face.  If you’re a Bravo lover, then keep checking back!

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BIP Recap: Tacos, Puppies, & Good Talks

So, this week began right where BIP left us…the face off between Caila & Ashley.  You guys I could not care less about the fight between Becky with the good hair & Kardashley, over Snaggle Tooth.  Old news.  Snooze fest.  Ashley, mature woman that she is, blamed her piss poor behavior on the passing of her dog.  So many people in Paradise use loss as an excuse to be a garbage person…not okay.

I guess all dogs really do go to Heaven because shortly thereafter, Wells arrived in Paradise to harps, angels, & barking (not the other cast mates!).  His entrance was amazing!  So, I personally don’t follow Wells on social media because I’m not that invested in him, but from what I hear he is hilarious & a huge dog lover.  Check out his charity, Tacos Save Lives.  Cue the taco puns for the rest of the night.

Everyone, boys & girls alike, kind of strong armed Wells into choosing Ashley for his date. Everybody, including the crabs want Ashley on this date.  It got a standing ovation – how embarrassing for Ashley, but so funny for me to watch.embarrassing

They had a fairly tame, but charming, date with the loudest chrunchiest tacos ever (or were they tostadas?) & talked about their favorite bands.  The Talking Heads vs. Hanson (really Ashley?)  Michelle Collins on After Paradise said that Hanson is the kind of band that you love before you lose your virginity…HYSTERICAL.  They wound up sharing their leftovers with a homeless pooch.  Heart eyes!

Meanwhile back in Paradise, Jared & Caila sucked face a la Amanda & Josh.  gross.gif

Grant & Lace seem to be still having trouble in Paradise.  Lace has definitely been spoiling for a fight.  Grant walked off in a huff wearing jorts; Lace stormed off to her room.  Grant went chasing after her in jeggings…y’all, I’m so confused by these wardrobe changes.  I think Grant feels like has to be a hero & rescue Lace (he is a firefighter), & let’s face it Lace does need to be rescued from herself from time to time.

As usual, being the insensitive couple they are, Josh & Amanda flaunt their makeout sesh in front of a grumpy Grant.  Y’all, how are they still making out all the time?  Yes, everyone has three sets of tonsils & each of you know what the other is missing…we get it – you like each other.  By far they most disgusting thing Josh has done was ask Amanda to guess what skittle was in his mouth by tasting it off his tongue.  Heebie Jeebies.  super gross.gif

Damn it, now I want some Skittles & I hate tasting the rainbow.

Jen (Jenn?) & Nick were being sweet & snuggly, so Amanda graciously offered them the Boom Boom Room.  Amanda said that she was exhausted & going to sleep in her bed.  As Nick & Jen were heading up the stairs, Josh yelled out “Just so you know we are sleeping up there tonight.  Just lettin’ y’all know.  My fan is up there reserving the room.  Thank you though.”  Thoroughly confused, they explain that Amanda said they could have the room.  Seriously, after all Josh’s sweaty sex why would they want to sleep in the BBR???  Poor Amanda is dead alseep to the world.  Josh is the worst.  He literally woke Amanda up to ask if she was ever going to sleep with him again.  Perhaps, Beatrice has come to town & she has cramps, or she doesn’t want to get in the Bone Zone with you Josh!  Ever think of that?  Amanda, half asleep, says that she is too tired.  Josh, loving dude that he is, pops her on the back & says “Good. Talk.”  The two most terrifying words uttered in Paradise.  Josh sleeps alone…ass.

Daniel was desperately funny vying for Haley, Emily, & Izzy’s roses.  WTF is Carly wearing at the Ceremony???  But, even so Evan confessed his love for Carly – oddly enough she loves him too!  She is the most surprised by it.  Prior to the Rose Ceremony, the Twins pull Nick aside to ask about Josh as they are tired of pushing their concerns away.  Who knew Amanda was their BFF?

Rose Ceremony:
Carly: Evan
Ashley: Wells (Jared was more excited)
Jen: Nick
Izzy: Brett
Caila: Jared
Lace: Grant
Amanda: Josh
Haley & Emily didn’t give out roses.

Emily & Haley basically took out half the cast, & now all the fun people are now gone. Before they leave, however, they confess their concerns to Amanda regarding Josh.  They tell her in twin tandem…must be a twin thing to ask him lots of pointed questions & to check his temper at the door.

This ignites Josh’s fury.  Amanda said multiple times to Josh that she didn’t want to discuss it, yet he forced her to anyways…douche.  He says that the book is ludicrous, & his dog has been battling cancer & going to chemo.  He’s really distraught over his dog, so he came to Paradise…naturally.  Josh decided to confront the group, against Amanda’s wishes. What a jackass move that he made the entire group come to him instead of going to them.  Why is this the first time we are hearing about his dog?  Stupidly, he asked the group if they thought he wasn’t being genuine.  Nick piped up & said that he didn’t know. Josh argues like a middle schooler.  This entire confrontation is so dumb.

Josh packed his bags & asked Amanda to leave with him.  She wanted to stay – its the only vacation she gets from being a mom!  Shocker…Josh decided to stay for her.  Blah, blah, blah, boring.  Josh is a narcissist, but Amanda is definitely a masochist.

The next morning Wells was the first to wake up in Paradise…he basically had the resort to himself.  I would have loved it, & relished that alone time!  In comes Jami, or as Ashley called her a random Canadian.  I don’t know if it was slim pickin’s, but Jami asked Wells on her date.  As Jorge said, the early bird gets the worm.  The ATV’s looked so fun & their bathing suits matched, so clearly it’s true love!  Please tell me Jami was wearing a romper & not an ass baring dress.  Side note, I have super coarse, curly hair like Jami.  Mine looks just like hers when it was air drying.  teen witch

Nick & Jen took one for the team, & told Ashley about Wells’ date.  Shocking everyone, Ash was cool about it…shocking no one she focused her attention back on Jared & Caila.  One thing we learned is that Jared likes to slap an ass in bed.  The Producers Ashley was straight up devious & drove them out of Paradise.  This was the only moment that Jared manned up.  He told Ashley that it was about him, not her.  Caila said it best when she said, “There is so much baggage here, & it’s walking around in red lipstick.”  Did anyone else notice that she left barefoot?

Wells & Jami return to the resort & Ashley is pissed that they arrived holding hands.  Do you think Ashley fought over boys at the tether ball pole or four square court?  That’s her level of maturity.  She doesn’t want Wells to “mingle around Paradise.”  Poor Wells is the monkey in the middle between Jami & Ashley.

Enter Lauren & Shushanna.  Lauren is vibing Brett, while Shushanna wants a piece of the skinny Wells taco…off to a surfing double date they go.  Izzy who?  Ashley & Jami who? Brett borrowed Daniel’s lines & said, “I brought my beetches to the beech & Lauren looks scrumptious.”  Ugh.  Did anyone else think that Lauren seemed really drunk on the date with Brett?

Shushanna does come on very strong with Wells…clearly she’s a sex panther.  Wells seemed to be unraveling a bit trying to juggle 3 women in 3 days…I sense a Fatal Attraction moment.  However, he does not regret glancing at Shushanna’s derriere.  He compares her to a Bond Girl.  Cue the Bougie Bossanova music during their hot makeout sesh.

Nick prepared Ashley to not receive a rose.  Carly & Evan pull a Josh & Amanda on the Beach beds…I can’t deal anymore!  Amanda received a date card, any guesses who she took?  At this point so many people have warned Amanda against Josh; if he turns out to be the person everyone fears he is – it is now on Amanda her fault for staying.  She has made her bed & now has to lie in it.  I fear that this will blow up in her face.

Once again I babysat this week, so I only have my favorite Tweets from Monday night. 4.14.24.34.44.54.64.74.84.94.10

What did you all think of this week?  Are you excited about Nick being the new Bachelor?!?  I am Ashley level obsessed with this decision!!!  Bravo Mike Fleiss.  Casey Approved.  Who do you think will get engaged on next week’s Finale?  Evan & Carly?  Josh & Amanda?  Brett & the lamp?  Jorge?  Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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BIP Recap: What’s His Name?

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First I want to apologize for not posting a recap last week.  I was babysitting during the live shows, & after watching on my DVR I deleted them thinking I would remember what happened.  Well, at 32 I’m old & can’t remember shit. So, without further ado…

We pick up in the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party (RCCP), & guess who’s crying?  Ashley I . of course.  Daniel held court over Sarah, Emily & Haley, & Ashley…it was pretty gross to witness the ladies trying to earn his rose.  Daniel loved it in his own weird way, of course.

Rose Ceremony:
Grant: Lace
Josh: Amanda
Nick: Jenn
Vinny: Izzy
Evan: Carly
Jared: Caila
Daniel: Haley (WTF!!!  How could he send my favorite, & Carly’s BFF, Sarah home?!?!)

Ashley got into her car, got a little ways down the road, & made her driver stop.  She went back to crash the rose celebratory champagne toast.  She basically begged the group to let her stay & the twins immediately agreed, which seemed to peer pressure the others to agree.  Great…  She vows to use this time in Paradise to move on from Jared…y’all, I’m holding my breath.

Carl joins Paradise – who is he?  Emily salivates over him.  No one can remember his name…poor Carl.  That’s what you get for having a horrible name.  He is hot though…according to Vinny.  Carl

Brett also immediately joins…with a lamp.  Who is he?  Ashley is almost, maybe interested in him.  Izzy is overwhelmed with her attraction for him.  Brett is in Paradise specifically to meet Caila, which Ashley loves for the possibilities this may leave for her & Jared.  Ashley told Brett to ask out who he wants to ask out, regardless of who is coupled up.  Caila agreed to his date without even thinking about it, much less consulting Jared.

Unpopular opinion, but I think Caila is manipulative & seeks attention anyway she can get it.  I have a theory that she comes off somewhat shy & uses that to manipulate the situation to her advantage.  Something just doesn’t add up for me, but she does have magical hair.

Caila proceeded to change her mind 87,000 times with both Jared & Brett.  She got what she wanted…Jared essentially begged her not to go, while Brett begged her to go.  Attention seeking…just sayin’.  Evan said, “Brett came in with a lamp, & Caila flipped the switch on Jared.”  Side note, what is with Brett’s jeans?  Do his tight jeans shrink wrap to his ankles if they get wet???  Jared thinks this is karma & that he deserves this…get some self-esteem people!  Ashley tells us that, “Jared is the new Ashley.”  God help us all.

On the double date, Carl & Emily, Caila & Brett dance on a booze cruise with a bunch of townies?  Emily & Carl totally hit if off & suck face a la Josh & Amanda.  Brett tried to give Caila a lap dance, which she turned down.  “No thanks.  I’m good.”  She’s missing the magical being that is Jared.  Ashley took advantage of Caila being away to move in on Jared.  Caila did have the decency to apologize to Brett on their date & say that she shouldn’t have gone on the booze cruise.  Back from the date, she runs straight to Jared & confirmed her feelings for him are “genuine.”  Ashley cries in the background while they makeout.  Ashley

Later that night Ryan arrived – he’s from Kaitlyn’s season.  You probably don’t recognize him because 1.) you don’t remember him, or 2.) he now has a beard & has grown his hair out.  Jared tried to pawn Ashley off on him, but she can only talk about her Jared obsession so he opts for Haley.  Daniel immediately dubs Ryan as the “Silver Fox.”  That is not the insult he thinks it is.  Side note: why does everyone still call her Ashley I. when she is the only Ashley there?

Ryan & Haley go horseback riding.  Been there, done that, but I want a twin to succeed.  So. I support this date.  Back at the resort, Grant takes Lace on a self-made 1-on-1…a couple’s massage.  This was great in concept, but then Grant mucked it up by professing his love for Lace.  Her response: “Why?”  Obviously, this bodes well for their relationship.Lace

Izzy flirts with Brett, while Vinny broods a stone’s throw away.  She then breaks up confesses her doubts with Vinny & crushes his soul.  Vinny does not take it well.  Sad face.  The next morning, or as we learned on After Paradise, that Vinny woke Izzy up, around 3pm, to announce that he was going home.  All the other couples are freaked out.

Jade & Tanner swung by the resort to hand out a date card.  Despite Ashley’s sabotage plan, they gave the date card to Jared & Caila.  I do believe that Caila has been in Paradise for 3 days & has been on 3 dates…  Grant & Lace basically fell apart while Jade & Tanner interviewed them.

Meanwhile, Jenn pulled Nick aside to make sure they were on the same page.  Does Jenn remind anyone else of Sharlene Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season?  As in, she is calm, cool, & collected.  Nick doesn’t want to be a joke (aka made a fool of) or a Trivial Pursuit question…is it just me or is that a weird way say that?

Jared & Caila had a typically boring date…making out in their underwear in a river.  Caila wore black panties, & if you’ve ever seen 10 Things I Hate About You you know what that means.  Caila’s damn hair still looks perfect in the rain.  Bitch.

Evan & Carly go on another terrible looking date.  I was terrified that it was going to be Tantric yoga, but turned out to hot meditation/confessionals.  Carly managed to get her lady boner back for Evan.  God Bless…  Didn’t Carly have a similar date with Chris Soules?

Y’all, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, much less confessing it here, but Evan gave me some Patrick Swayze vibes in that hut!!!

Meanwhile, Ashley got her hooks into Jared deep.  She seems to take great pleasure in mind-f*cking with him & Caila.  While, I do agree that Caila is a bit robotic & standoff-ish.  I applaud her for confronting Ashley, & she was correct in everything she said to Ashley on the beach.

We leave this week with previews of a big fight between Josh & Nick…looks so good!

My favorite Tweets of the night:  3.13.23.33.43.53.63.73.83.9

What did you all think of this week’s episode(s)?  When is Wells going to get there & woo Ashley?  I can’t take anymore Jared obsession.

I’ll be live tweeting #RHONY tonight, while I make potato soup, & the recap will be up tomorrow.  Feel free to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, or like the Analogy of Reality page on Facebook. 🙂

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BIP Recap: Paradise Lost?

We pick up where Chris Harrison left off – kicking Chad’s sorry ass out of paradise.  Everyone is thrilled he’s gone & that the resort is once again paradise.  Enter Leah to be the dream crusher…with a date card no less.  It says a lot about the type of person Leah is, at her core, when she wanted to give her date card to Chad Bear.  Hey, they both like protein.  To each his own, right?  So, what work has Leah had done?  Obviously her lips, but maybe her nose too?  Her face shape even looks different.  She looks eerily like Amanda…

The group informed Leah that Chad is in Tijuana, never to return to Jorge’s Bar.  Being resourceful, she started pulling the guys aside, one by one, to learn a little bit more about each of them.  The other women do. not. like. this.  Leah asks Nick on her date.  Amanda is jealous.

Randomly, both of the twins have scoliosis.  “Want to feel my hump?”

OMG!  The twins eating a banana makes me never want to eat another banana in my life.  Grant & Evan chat about how the girls are nervous for their lack of connections.  Meanwhile, at the bar Lace is basically having the same convo. with Jorge.  Can we please discuss Lace’s eyelash extensions gone wrong?  What’s with those tarantula legs on her face?  Grant consoles Lace & assures her that he is still interested.  He seems so level headed compared to his defensive, argumentative demeanor at the Men Tell All.

On the date, Leah & Nick go to town & try different foods & drinks.  Were they at a festival or a farmers market?  Moving on to the romantic portion of the date, the beach side kiss was so uncomfortable to watch.  Leah is smitten.  Nick is uninterested.  Was this the shortest date ever?

Another date card arrived…for Nick.  Leah automatically assumed that she’d go on the date with him.  WRONG.  He chose Amanda.  Leah cannot contain her jealousy, animosity, & insecurities.   As Amanda was getting ready, in walks Leah to mind fuck with Amanda’s head.  She accused Amanda of trying to be her, then asked why she’s so tense.  Perhaps it’s because Leah is psycho?

Nick is way more into Amanda than Leah.  Side Note: Amanda’s voice doesn’t bother me as much this season as it did with Ben.  They have great conversation.  Nick may have been sexually attracted to Leah, but he is sexually, mentally, & emotionally attracted to Amanda.  By the fireside they make out, of course, surprisingly I don’t want to gouge my eyes out.  Meanwhile, back at the resort Leah plays victim in her confessional.  Classic narcissist.

Prepping for the Rose Ceremony, all the women vie for the men’s attention.  Sarah is interested in Vinny; I think he likes her too in spite of his connection with Izzy.  I 100% support this couple.  I want Vinny & Sarah to couple up like nobody’s business!  Nothing against Izzy, but I don’t have any clue who she is.  Sadly, Carly seems interested in Evan.  As usual, Carly has to make the first move for the first kiss; Carly is disappointed & horrified.  Evan is aroused.  Awkward.  Lace makes her play for Grant.  Hook. Line. Sinker.  They totally do it…unfortunately we had to hear it.  Jubilee wants Jared, as does Emily.  Leah made desperate ploys for Nick & Daniel.

I’m really confused about the twins.  What if they each find a guy who wants to give them a rose?  Do they still only get 1 rose?  What about when it’s the women’s turn to hand out roses?  Do they have to collectively decide on 1 guy to give their rose to?  I NEED answers!!!  answers

Rose Ceremony:

  • Grant: Lace
  • Nick: Amanda
  • Evan: Carly
  • Jared: Emily (& Haley)
  • Vinny: Izzy
  • Daniel: Sarah

How sweet was Daniel to Sarah?  “We saved the best for last.”  Kiss, hug.  Jubilee & Leah got sent home.  Jubilee was a class act, while Leah played the fool.

Josh is the next newbie to arrive in paradise.  Thanks a lot ABC.  The vast majority of this hour was a pissing contest between Josh & Nick, specifically over Amanda.  I have to say I’m disappointed in Amanda.  I honestly think Josh enjoys annoying the shit out of Nick, & would have gone after any woman that Nick was interested in.

I hate all of Josh’s references to God, how blessed he is, & fate.  I feel like God doesn’t watch Bachelor in Paradise…just sayin’.  It would be interesting to see if he would have chosen Amanda had he not known that Nick was connecting with her.  Nick seems to be unraveling a bit.

Josh compared his amputee dog to Amanda’s daughters. #samsies  I am so offended by Josh’s tongue & groans.  Ewww.  It’s bad enough that I have to watch; I certainly don’t want to hear it.

On their date, Josh denied everything that Andi wrote about him.  Nick said that the less than flattering things she wrote about him had some truth to them…I’m more inclined to believe Nick & Andi.  I bet her book sales are going through the roof!  Andi

After the Rose Ceremony, & after their horrible kiss, Carly avoided Evan.  Unfortunately, he got a date card & Carly begrudgingly accepted.  Carly didn’t even change her outfit for their date.  Y’all, not going to lie – they had the worst date ever.  They had to eat Habanero peppers & then kiss to beat the Guinness Book of World Records.  Hasn’t this date been done already on another season?  Carly vomited afterwards.  Not a good omen.  Evan thought this was the greatest date ever.  Poor Carly.  Hopefully the habanero numbed her lips & she didn’t feel a thing?  spicy.gif

Back in paradise, Emily basically molested Jared trying to get a kiss…it worked.  I seriously don’t get his appeal; he has no personality.  Josh & Amanda arrive back from their date & proceed to disgust everyone by loudly making out.  It’s just plain rude, y’all.

The next morning starts with Vinny counting his abs…to make sure they’re still there?  Amanda & Josh are still making out in very public places within the resort.  Daniel & Sarah have an odd relationship…are they in the friend zone or the bone zone?

Christian was the second new guy to arrive with a date card.  He asked all the guys who had relationships.  Ultimately he took Sarah on his date.  They went on an outdoorsy, team building course…zip lining & repelling.  Christian’s vocabulary could use some expansion, but they seemed to have a great time.  I don’t trust a guy that overuses the word sexy.  I did think it was a bit strange that Sarah kept asking about Daniel’s whereabouts before & after said date.  If you’re on a date with another dude, then why does she care?

Meanwhile, Carly dumped Evan.  She was his definite dream crusher.  Carly handled herself really well in person, but her confessionals were quite catty – borderline cruel.  Jared stopped by to join in on the snark while Evan cried in his bed.

Shortly thereafter, Brandon (???) from Desiree’s Season arrived with a date card.  Apparently he was on the same season as Carly’s brother Zak.  I had no idea!!!  If I remember correctly Juan Pablo was chosen over Zak to be the Bachelor.  Way to go ABC.  Carly has all the feels for Brandon, but he chose Haley to take on his date.

Daniel valiantly tried to woo Sarah…without making a romantic move on her.  Call me crazy, but I’m still skeptical about the direction of where their relationship is going.  Is he simply vying for a rose to make it to the next week?  Is she?  What is happening here?  He opted not to kiss Sarah for “fear” of the Zika virus.  I think Sarah enjoyed making Daniel jealous by going on a date with Christian.

Y’all, Haley & Emily totally Parent Trapped Brandon & pulled a switcheroo.  Brandon, after boasting how well he could tell them apart, didn’t have a clue.  Awkward.  Is it just me, but aren’t they easy to tell apart?  Emily has way more ear piercings for one.  Emily also can’t hold her alcohol.  Their profiles are totally different as well.  Brandon – dumb as a rock?

What the hell is this disgusting group of the “Sexy Six?”  They’re all making out on the same lounge platform.  So gross.  Evan took it upon himself to create a date card for him & Amanda, which he interrupts the makeout sesh to steal her away.  This is where Paradise leaves us…this is going to work out well.

Favorite Tweets:  2.12.22.32.42.52.62.72.82.92.102.112.122.132.142.152.162.172.182.192.202.212.22

Who do y’all want to see couple up?  What do you think of Daniel?  Is he Chad 2.0?

Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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BIP: Chad Bear is a Monster

I’m so excited that my favorite Bachelor Franchise show is back!  BIP opens with their amazing theme song.  This is obviously Chris Harrison’s favorite show too, because he actually shows up to more than the rose ceremonies.  He seems happy & back to his old self of Papa Chris/therapist/RA.

My first impression of the cast, in order of appearance:

Amanda: beautiful as ever, still loves an off-the-shoulder top

Nick: is it possible that he has gotten better looking?

  • Did he really ask Amanda if she’d ever madeout in a thunderstorm?

Jubilee: still love her!

Evan: he looks like such a dad.

  • Good to know he looks better in person, according to Jubilee & Amanda.

Vinny: I’m in “Porto Vallarty” & I’m ready to party.

Carly: I’m so glad Carly is back!  I hope it works out for her this time.

Grant: wearing the shortest shorts

  • Has he lost a little weight?

Daniel: came in wearing jean shorts

  • Grant said, “hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your belly button, Daniel’s here.”  BEST. QUOTE. EVER.
  • Daniel was such an ass in his confessional talking about the girls, comparing them to dogs & rotten fruit.  Daniel

Grant pointed out that there were a lot of birds swarming…bad omen?

Sarah: I hope she finds love more than anyone else in Paradise.

  • She would make a fantastic Bachelorette!

Emily & Haley: Daniel’s in love.

  • Daniel swooped in quickly on Emily.
  • Haley’s not so interested.

Izzy: who is Izzy?  Have I seen her before?

  • What this hell is this conversation she’s having with Daniel?

Lace: her extensions are HORRIBLE.

  • Grant thinks Lace is a mess, but is totally smitten.

Did anyone notice Daniel splashing in the ocean?  I heard an Amy Grant song playing in my head during this moment.

Jared: why does everyone drool over Jared?

  • Jubilee is in love, but turned shy instead of introducing herself.

Loved that Wells compared Chad to Piggy from Lord of the Flies at the MTA, & now Evan is comparing him to the whale in Moby Dick.  Spot on guys, spot on.

The lead in to Chad’s arrival was amazing.  Earthquake like tremors because he is such a monster.

Chad: only Daniel was happy to see him.

  • All the women thought he was good looking, but a bit scared as well.

Sarah thought Chad was onion that is misunderstood.  This makes Carly sad about life.  Lace & Chad had definite chemistry.  He did halfheartedly apologized to Evan.  Evan wasn’t buying what Chad was selling.  Daniel & Chad Bear were the first couple to hit it off in Paradise.  Daniel is planning to let the liquor do the driving  & put it in booze control.  bromance.gif

Chris Harrison showed up to explain what Paradise is about.  “The way this works best, is if everyone is sincerely here to find love.”  And, get shitfaced.  The gang proceeds to check out their sleeping arrangements.  The girls have a super cute room & the guys are at sleep-away camp.  Chad of course had to have a protein meat fix.

Jubilee received the first date card.  Who knew that she & Emily were best friends?  Emily could not be less excited for Jubilee…some friend.  Jared accepts.  Vinny yells, “have her home early.”  I’m loving BIP Vinny.  Gran & Lace seemed to be hitting it off, & by hitting it off I mean that Lace gave Grant “constructive criticism.”  She quickly moved on to Chad.

Okay, so Chad & Lace were kind of cute/funny at first.  They fought over cuddling.  The rest of the cast is wondering how quickly they’ll fizzle out.  Side note: are Vinny & Izzy (Vizzy) the new Kirkly?

Lace & Chad have a very peculiar relationship.  Fight, makeout, pour a drink on each other, dolla, dolla, bills, makeout.  And, repeat.  So weird.  Haley said it best, “They’re fighting with their faces, like kiss fighting.”  Lace somehow managed to wrap Chad around her finger.

Jubilee & Jared have dinner under a polo-pa full of pinatas.  They nerd out over LOTR…okay.  About halfway through the date Jubilee spies a clown through the pinatas & starts screaming.  This is a weird date, y’all.

Vinny & Izzy are THE couple right now.  Izzy was frustrated that Vinny hadn’t kissed her yet.  It kinda looked like he was giving her the Tina Fabulous treatment.  Anyone remember her?

Chad Bear proceeds to get more & more intoxicated, while Lace sobers up & comes out of her drunken stupor.  She no longer appreciates being called a “stupid bitch.”  Nick’s reactions were hilarious.  He said it best when he said, “God phoned it in when he made Chad.”

Poor Daniel tried to talk some sense into his friend, but he was too far gone.  In Chad’s drunken stupor he talks about murdering everyone.  Sarah stepped into the fray by defending Lace & all women.  Carly applauded.  Chad, stellar gentleman that he is, said, “F*** that one armed Bitch,” & “Suck a dick,” to everyone’s horror & disgust.  The group is officially over Chad.  Sarah

The next morning, Chad is very confused by how got in bed naked.  Apparently when Chad passed out on the beach he shit himself.  If there is a God, this really happened!!!  I choose to believe there is a God. 🙂  Chris called a meeting to confront Chad’s behavior.  Somehow, Lace feels bad for Chad because he is the “Old Lace” & has no self-awareness.  Chad is a misogynistic, disrespectful, narcissistic ass.  Chad blamed his behavior on the others not being able to handle his jokes.  Sheriff Chris kicked Chad out of Paradise because he was horrible to the cast & hotel staff.  Chad was shocked, & had the nerve to blame Lace.  Go Chris, Go Chris!  Suck a Dick

Not taking anything gracefully, Chad proceeded to berate our beloved Chris Harrison.  He yelled at Chris that he doesn’t know what happened because he was “in his hotel room in a robe drinking mimosas.”  I wish Chris has said that he was more of a Bloody Mary kind of guy.  CBH

Of course this all can’t end tonight, so as usual it is a TBC…  I want to hurt whoever made Jorge cry in the previews.

What did y’all think of the first episode of Season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise?

Until next week…  I’ll be live tweeting & recapping #RHONY tonight.

Kiss Hug,

Blog Signature

BIP Recap: Can someone please create a line of blurred swimwear?

Ugh!  I’m so annoyed!  I’m having some technical issues tonight.  I typed up half this blog & then it disappeared.  Needless to say, this blog may be a bit shorter than planned because I can’t remember all the witty things I wrote before. 😦

Sunday

Sunday night’s part 1 of the finale began where it left off, with Jared & Ashley on their fantasy suite date.  I thought it was really weird that the date didn’t get much screen time.  Do you think the got a shitty date & lack of air time because Ashley had to ask for the date?  Do you think they just threw some rose petals on the bed at a local Holiday Inn Express?  Jared & Ashley got back to Paradise, Ashley’s hymen intact, & Jared is still completely uninterested.  Once again, Jared broke up with Ashley this time for the last time as he actually left the resort.

Mikey took this opportunity to pull Juelia aside on the beach.  He basically told her she was strictly in the Friend Zone, with no hope for progression.  Juleia cried…really?  It’s Mikey.  REALLY???  Juelia opted to go home to her daughter.  Mikey opted to remain a Tool McDouche Nugget in Paradise.  He is one of those guys who just doesn’t get it…NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN YOU.

For lack of options, Jaclyn asked Justin on a date.  God, was she desperate or what?  Why are all the girls interested in Justin?  He’s nothing special as far as I can tell.  Justin is no Matt Damon, as he claimed during Kaitlyn’s rap battle.

By the way, why was Jaclyn’s ass blurred out?  What happened to the black bar?  Did Jorge turn it into a cocktail?  Can someone please create a line of blurred swimwear to cover my ass & cellulite?

The last contestant to arrive was Cassandra.  I vaguely remember her from Juan Pablo’s season.  She is basically a sweet, naive version of Samantha.  Cue the drooling of all the guys.  She asked Justin on a date, so he blew off Jaclyn.

Justin & Samantha’s date was completely uninteresting to me.  I wasn’t invested in them at all.  I do recall Samantha mentioning the L-word.  Date one people!

In the meantime, Nick got ballsy & asked Jaclyn for her date card.  She made him squirm by doing a “Victoria Secret” photo shoot.  It was pretty funny.

After earning the date card, Nick took Samantha on the most awkward date ever.   The only thing Nick could say was how beautiful Samantha is.  We get it, SHE’S PRETTY!  Sam actually seemed a little irritated by the compliments.  Perhaps she wants to be known for more than her Panteen hair, hypnotic eyes, & devious plans?  The only thing I took from this date is that Samantha will make out with anyone for a rose.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony.  Ashley I & Dan sent themselves home.  Mikey embarrassed himself, once again, by asking Mackenzie to accept his rose.  She turned him down flat, which made me laugh out loud while hiding behind my remote.

Shortly there after, the most dramatic (and REAL, I might add) moment in Bachelor in Paradise history actually happened.  Kirk dumped Carly.  This breaks my heart, I loved Kirkly!  I think Carly should be the next Bachelorette.  Okay, so back to the moment.  I had a difficult time distinguishing if Kirk was actually breaking up with Carly, or asking to slow things down.  I have to admit that I think Carly handled herself well considering how blind-sided she was.  You could tell that Kirk felt really bad, but he handled the situation completely wrong.  He kept saying, “you deserve a conversation.”  Finally, Carly had to say, “Yes, I do but you don’t.  Leave me be.”

With that, both Kirk & Carly left Paradise.  I just hope they didn’t run into each other at the airport.

Tweets from Sunday:

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Monday

Not much to say about Monday’s Finale, except that the long awaited engagement belonged to Janner!!!  I’m so happy for Jade & Tanner!  Her ring might be my favorite in the Bachelor Franchise.

To break it down:

Nick & Samantha – left together, & according to After Paradise are still together.

Cassandra & Justin – left together, but Cassandra is now dating Jonathan.  I like them together.

Tenley & Joshua – left separately.  According to Reality Steve, Tenley has been chatting up Ben Higgins.  If she was too old for Bachelor in Paradise, then she is too old for Ben H.

Jade & Tanner – left engaged to each other & are still very much together!

All the other couples basically looked like this:

Tweets from Monday:

BiP Monday 6

Hope you all enjoyed my first foray into blogging.  I’ll see you in January for Bachelor Ben!

BIP Recap: Samantha is THE Villain…Like Ursula

Sunday

Tonight’s episode started with the continuation of Joe & JJ’s fight; yes, it’s still about Juelia.  Okay, now I agree Juelia is a great woman, but the argument that “she deserves to be here” & that “She really deserves love” just doesn’t hold sway with me.  No one deserves to be on Bachelor in Paradise & everyone deserves to be loved.

Meanwhile, back at the bar everyone (Joe) brings poor Jorge into the fray.

JJ pulled Juelia aside to ask if he could save her, but she showed a lot of class in telling him that he should be here looking for love.  JJ is really steppin’ up his rep.  Juelia then sought out Chris Harrison and asked to bring Mikey T. back.  Really?  REALLY?!?!  Mikey T???

We move along to the rose ceremony, where Joe half-heartedly admits to being in contact with Samantha before BiP.  Blah, blah, blah.  JJ decided to save Ashley S, which is the best play yet.  She was confused & shocked, as was everyone else.  She accepted, & then JJ promptly left Paradise as he had realized he was in love with a girl back home.  He basically told the gang that he had to go see about a girl.  How did Tanner not know about this!?  PS – my sources tell me that the girl back home had moved on.

This awesome turn of events left Juelia’s salvation in Dan’s hands.  He opted for Amber.  Whah, whah.  Clare left bitter, mumbling about being the Bachelorette, & talking about retirement from the Bachelor franchise.  Yes, please.  When Juelia got to the top of the stairs, Mikey T. opened the car door she thought was meant for her.  Chris told the gang that since Juelia had been deceived, he thought it fair to give her another chance.

Immediately after the rose ceremony there was a date card for Tanner, & Jade by association.  They flew to Tequila, Mexico…I feel like they could have had a similar date at the resort.  They basically made tequila, got drunk, & had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk.  Tanner admitted to being “all in,” & Jade was said “I get it.”

While the lovebirds are gone, Nick arrives.  He looked so different from Bachelor Pad that I didn’t recognize him.  I guess that $250,00 did him well.  He told Chris Harrison he had spoken with Samantha via social media, texting, & in person.  CH gave him a date card.  The look on Samantha’s face when he walked in was an Oh, Shit! look, if ever I saw one.  He immediately asked Sam on the date, which she turned down; however, I think she only turned it down because Joe was sitting next to her & she already had a target on her back.

I love that Mikey pulled Nick aside to give him the low down on the Samantha, Joe, Juelia mess.  Nick then asked Ashley S. on the date.  This date was so hilariously awkward…starting with Ashley’s confusion of the Spanish language.  She only said she couldn’t understand the boat guy when he was speaking English.  Did anyone else notice that?

Basically because of a hurricane, they couldn’t go out to an island, so Nick & Ashley went to the nearest tequila spa for shots & massages.  That doesn’t sound horrible to me.  Ashley got shitfaced & was able to understand the bird’s crowing…those subtitles made my heart smile.  In the hot tub, Ashley cheers’d Nick to “loving him like a brother.”  No wonder he thought she was out there.

Next day, everyone is back at the house & Joe is basically, in his own words, a needy bitch.  Samantha played him for a fool & she broke up with him on his birthday.  She seemed to blame him, solely, for the Juelia debacle.  She is equally at fault, but she doesn’t want to be cast as the Villian.  She is just like Ursula singing her Mermaid song, stealing all the guys.  Shame, shame.

Tweets from the night:

BiP Sunday 4

Monday

I was a little late to the beginning of tonight’s episode.  I think we started with Samantha & Joe breaking up again?  Is it just me or does Samantha seem like the bigger villain???  At the same time, Jared told Ashley I. that he’s just not that into her, & of course she calls Kaitlyn crying.  “What the fuck did you do to Jared?”  Hilarious!  Ashley Cry I. could give Kim Kardashian a run for her money with the ugly cry face.

Surprisingly, I loved Ashley & Joe’s random dump club friendship.  Joe basically told her to get over it & “Gimme dat rose.”

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the commentary from Tanner & Carly.  Can they please do the play-by-play for all future Bachelor seasons?

Juelia & Mikey go on an overnight date to Guadalajara, which is apparently a great place to fall in love.  Never heard that before… So, they go on the super romantic date to see Mexican wrestling.  Hahahahaha!

Oh!  How cute for Kirk & Carly’s fishing date?  So cheesy, but so cute.  I’m totally rooting for them!

The drama continues with Joe & Samantha.  He is pretty much going to implode, as Samantha continued to blame Joe for everything.  Carly said it best, when she said, “Joe is getting what he deserves, but Samantha is the one causing all the drama.”

Justin arrived towards the end of the episode, and after talking to Joe, he asks Samantha out.  And the drama continues for another week.

Monday Night’s Tweets:

BiP Monday 4

 

BIP Recap: Assholery & Villainy

Sunday:

So, we started the night with Lauren having a meltdown…cue the rolling eyes of Bachelor Nation.  I’m still not exactly sure what the drama was except that she was bored?  Um, hello.  You got a free vacation with all the booze & food you could eat.  I’m sure there is a quiet spot somewhere in which you can do yoga, meditate, or figure out what you are doing with your life besides being a mistress.  Oddly, Ashley was the voice of reason, but can they both go home already???

All of a “sudden,” Josh appears with a date card & Lauren perks right up.  Too bad she turned into her sister & couldn’t form a sentence to save her life.  Side note, I didn’t realize so many of these guys had sleeve tattoos.  Josh took Tenley on the date…dinner & dancing.  It was just a boring repeat of Graham & AshLee last season.  However, JJ was not happy & had a lot of typically JJ comments that reference strange things that don’t make sense.

Joe was the next loser guy to show up.  He was a major letdown to all the girls because they had heard that he was hilarious.  Maybe he should have shown up in his sumo-diaper with his balls hanging out?  A nice way to break the ice, I think…at least until they get sunburned.  His sunburned balls would look like those Cap’n Crunch doughnut holes from Taco Bell, which ironically enough taste like sunburned balls.  I just like to type say balls.  Balls, Balls, Balls.

Joe’s victim date was Juelia, but she basically had to ask herself on the date.  I feel like their asses & legs got so chafed on their horseback riding date.  Turns out, Joe was just using Juelia to get the rose.  I have to admit that there were a lot of teasers about “the worst villain in bachelor history” & up to this point I wasn’t sure which one of the J’s (JJ, Josh, Joe, or Jared).  I’m still a little confused by who the villain is, but I think Monday’s episode will shed some light on the situation.

Jared got the third date card & asked Clare to join him.  Of course this sent Ashley & Mikey into tailspins of varying degrees.  Ashley balled & called Clare old & said her eggs were dead.  The only thing in Ashley’s defense (???) is that Clare is 34 & Jared is 26; while 34 is not old, I do think that is a bit old for a woman to date a 26 year-old guy.  However, knowing Clare’s MO, I think they will just enjoy a good “makeout session” in the ocean.  Mikey’s reaction was a little more volatile & sad.  His perception of reality is so skewed.  Clare flatout told him on their date, when he tried to kiss her, that she was there to explore all her options.  From my couch, Mikey has no reason to be upset, as Clare was not leading him on.  Can we talk about why Mikey needed to wear his hair in a palm-tree ponytail tonight?  He looks like Bam-Bam, but had Pebbles’ hair-do.  He’s obviously crazy right?

Sunday’s Tweets of the Night:

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Monday

Heavens to Betsy!  Jared’s hearing will never be the same after Clare’s hyena screaming in his ear during their bungee jumping.  What was the deal with Mikey calling Clare his beard?  Naturally, Ashley overheard Clare bragging gushing about her date, which of course is sends Ashley into another meltdown.

Once again, someone I’ve never heard of shows up.  Michael immediately bee-lined for Elevenly Tenley for his date.  PS – I’m so jealous of Tenley being able to wear backless outfits.

Mikey pulled Juelia off to the side.  Can we please eliminate “like” from Mikey’s vocabulary.  She Juelia needs to get off this show, she is way too classy!  Mikey really does not understand context clues; dude, she’s just not that into you!

Michael & Tenley’s date was pretty cool.  They walked on water, literally…notice the correct use of that word “literally.”  The Bachelor franchise needs to give all of these contestants a vocabulary & literacy test prior to each season.  Back to Michael & Tenley, that seemed like the fastest date to a kiss!  Worst thing about this date is that the producers found a way to get an annoying awkward concert…boo!  Can we stop this for real?

Jared awkwardly pointed out to Dead Eggs Clare that she is too old for him, so now that old hag, cougar package of flawless makeup & hair is back on the prowl.  Seriously, Clare has yet to sweat in Mexico.  How does she do it???  Botox?

Poor Juelia!  She has the wool pulled so far over her eyes by Joe. 😦  He’s a narcissistic sociopath.  How he managed to manipulate Jonathan & Mikey so completely is beyond me.  Did he not learn anything from the wrath Kuppah & Ian got???  HELLO!

On a side note, does anyone else think that Ashley & Jonathan would make a good couple?  She’s Princess Jasmine & he dresses like Aladdin…match made in Disney Heaven!

We end this episode with another To Be Continued… I would have thought that the Bachelorette used all those up last season!  We also end with Clare pulling a repeat of her exit on last season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Monday Night’s Tweets:

BiP Monday 2