Y’all, what is wrong with me?  My intention was to get this post up Tuesday evening, but instead I fell asleep on my couch, sitting straight up, at 7:30 pm with a spicy potato taco from Taco Bell in my hand.  Y’all, I’m a real catch.

Okay, now that I’m awake…  Week 2 of The Bachelor!  There are still a lot of blondes.  Arie still seems a little uncomfortable; I think this will ease as the group gets smaller.  The subtitle for this episode could be called Planes, Trains, & Automobiles.  

The episode starts off with all the women sitting around outside talking about how dreamy Arie is, how hypnotic his eyes are, & who could forget those pillow lips? Barf.  Shockingly, Chris Harrison showed up to earn his paycheck with the first date card.

Chelsea assumes that she is going to get the date card because she is so mysterious & got the FIR.   You know what they say about assuming…  Drum roll…and the date card goes to Becca K; it said “Hold on Tight.”   Did anyone notice that Arie signs his name with the A as a star?  How very Lisa Frank of him. 

This was the Cinderella date of the season, which is weird because that is usually Episode 4-ish or the last date before they move out of the mansion.  Becca is easily my favorite so far this season.

Arie pulled up to pick up Becca, dressed like the Red Baron, but on a motorcycle.  Jenny thought they looked really cute together, and off they went.   

Becca was very chatty on the back of that hog; personally, I’d be afraid of bugs.  Meanwhile back at the mansion, Seinne, Chelsea, & Krystal shared their thoughts prompted by a producer on the date.   Both Chelsea & Seinne were jealous that Becca got to touch & hold on to Arie.  Krystal mentioned that she wouldn’t like this date because her dad was in a bad accident.

They showed up to a random kitchen with a buffet & champagne.  Low & behold, Rachel Zoe was their to style Becca for the date.  Arie kept twirling Becca every time she showed him a new dress…creepy?  These were clearly not go out, stay up, twirl dresses.  Duh.  Then Arie presented her with Red Bottom shoes that were to die for!  While drinking champagne, Arie casually mentioned that he likes to spray champagne not drink it.  I know this is a racing thing, but eww.  Next thing we know, Jorge the Bartender comes over the cliff to deliver Neil Lane jewels.  Do you think Arie has a Pretty Woman fantasy or a Richard Gere fantasy?

Back at the house the women miss Arie.  Barf.  Obviously a producer sent Becca back to the mansion to get ready for the evening portion of the date to make all the girls jealous.  Bibiana hilariously said that she’d never seen Louboutins in real life.  She also thinks they’ll get married.

Why did Becca pick this particular dress?  It was my least favorite.  Arie thinks his grey hair makes him wiser than the last time around.  They actually have a pretty good conversation; this is the most we’ve seen Arie speak so far.

At the house, the women are discussing Arie’s pillow lips…again.  Thank God a date card arrived!  Krystal got the second one-on-one date, “Home is where the heart is.”  Her first response was, “What do you think it means?”  Seriously?

Back on the date, Becca revealed that she was in a seven year on-off relationship, & that that guy helped her through her dad’s death.  Side note – that guy is now the conditioning coach for Stanford & is super hot.  Deep dive her IG.  Becca’s father had brain cancer & struggled for five+ years, which made her very close to her mom & sister.  Arie is close with his family too & that puts Becca at ease.  She gets the rose – no brainer.

Krystal & Arie took a private plane to Scottsdale to see Arie’s hometown.  That was brave of him, I wouldn’t want her to know where I lived.  She cray…which of course he doesn’t see yet as he is too turned on by her flattery, creepy voice, & blonde hair.  Is it just me or does her voice completely change from confessional, to being around the women, to being around Arie?  I am so confused by her constant flattery of him; is this a method of deflection to keep the focus off of her?  Is it a form of manipulation?  I get Ursula vibes from her.

Arie took Krystal to the Pizza Hut he worked at when he was 16 & his high school, showed her where the “art nerds & band geeks” hung out.  Does anyone else compare hi high school self to James Spader’s character in Pretty in Pink?  

Then he took her to a model home his home & forced her to look at photo albums & home videos.  Krystal thought it was really special & meaningful, of course.  Apparently Arie had a mullet for most of his childhood.  Next up we learn that Arie has an Oedipus Complex…tell me that Krystal does not look just like his mom.  Meeting his parents & brother seemed a little forced, but also way too early in the season.  Krystal kept harping on the fact that Arie’s parents have been married for 36 years.

Back at the house another date card arrived.  On what seemed like the biggest group date ever, the following women  were told “Let’s Hit Love Head On.”  Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, TinkerBekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, & Chelsea.  They are all bummed that 15 girls on the group date.

At dinner, Krystal told him about her “less-traditional” upbringing because her parents divorced when she was young.  That seems pretty traditional these days to me, but what do I know.  Krystal said that her dad wasn’t in her life, so I’m very confused by this timeline because earlier she said that he was in a bad accident.  Color me confused?  Her mom was emotionally unavailable; however, she then told a story about her mom not having financial means to get her a comforter.  These seem like conflicting stories?  Krystal told Arie about her brother getting attacked & living on the streets, but he didn’t want her help.  She’s sad y’all.

Arie’s response was “I hate to see you like this,” which makes me think he wasn’t actually listening to her because that was such a bizarre response.  He was looking at her boobs.  However, I did like that he said that did not reflect negatively on her & that it was not her fault, which is true.  It is very obvious that Arie has had a fairly easy life & hasn’t had to work hard, nor has he experienced real loss.  She got the rose, obviously.  Que the awkward concert.  Side note – Connor Duermit’s EP dropped the night of The Bachelor & is in the top 150 on iTunes.  That is some good marketing my friends.

The next morning the women interrogated Krystal, but she played coy & refused to share the details of her date.  And, that right there is why Krystal is the real villain & psycho in the house.  Ummm, you do know that you are dating the same guy as 20 other women, right?  She took great pleasure in creating jealousy & intrigue among the women.  

The group date women got bussed to a Demolition Derby, where they got to decorate their own demo car.  Tia’s commentary was the best, “this is some redneck shit & we’re going to get f*cked up.”  I kind of enjoy Jenna…not to be confused with Jenny.  She gives me Ashley Onion vibes.

Annaliese broke down in tears revealing that she had had a bumper car trauma as a child.  Jenny was ruthlessly making fun of her.  I do confess that it is a pretty funny phobia, but when you really break it down Annaliese is claustrophobic…that’s real common.   The Bachelor producers did her dirty when they showed the Rescue 911 reenactment.  You could tell Annaliese was reluctant to share her story, as she too thought it was silly, but y’all she can’t help it that she’s scared.  I’d say she conquered her fear on this date.  Jenny was real ugly during her confessionals.

Salty Chris Harrison & Robby Gordon were the commentators & I was here for it!  “Could this be the first time Arie wins something on a racetrack.”  More please!

Brittany got whiplash…now who whipped their head back & forth (she said this about Maquel’s entrance last week)?  Annaliese did pretty well.  It came down to Tia & Seinne.  Seinne won!  I loved that she took a victory lap!  What was with the milk?  

At the after party, Arie was dressed as Mr. Rogers & for some reason all the women still wanted to makeout with him.  Brittany missed this part, as she was injured from the Derby.   Chelsea pulled Arie aside first to reveal that she “has another man in her life,” her 3yo son Sammy.  Mystery over.  The thing I noticed most was how bad Arie’s posture was…maybe his sweater was too chunky?  The women all argue that they’ve all given up something important to them to be on the show, so Chelsea isn’t special in that regard.

Arie is super intrigued by Seinne; her life is so much more interesting than his.  She went to Yale, y’all.  Bibiana basically unraveled by not getting to speak to Arie.  Snagaroo.  Caroline wants Bibiana to change her attitude, & Annaliese wants to hug her.

Meanwhile, Arie is drooling over TinkerBekah.  He’s a smitten kitten with her.  They definitely play a Wicked Game knock-off during their makeout session.  Rose went to Seinne after a brutal fake out to Chelsea.  Cold blooded.

At the cocktail party, I think it becomes pretty apparent the Krystal is villainous/crazy.  All the women kind of decided to allow the women without a date to have one-on-one time with Arie first, Krystal internally said hold my beer.

Aire checked on Brittany & friend zoned her, but she was the “Most Hardcore.”  Krystal tried to interrupt Arie & Lauren B, & he said no!!!  Krystal, by the way, is already calling him Baby.  BARF.  Kendall shared her taxidermy & wore another hideous dress.  During Bibiana’s time with Arie, Krystal tried to steal Arie again.  Bibiana told her no – it’s about time a woman does that in 22 seasons.

Then came what we’ve all been waiting for…the mic drop as Bibiana literally said.
B: I mean I really think that you have a lot balls just coming to sit down with us.
K: I wanted to come talk with you, to make sure that you had time.
B: I think that opening the door is not the way to ask.  Why would you even come to try to sit next to me, knowing that you already have a rose & you already had time with him earlier?
K: Well, I only literally had 2 minutes with him.
B: I don’t… I honestly… I think that when you learn to speak to me like a normal human being & not with a fake tone, then I can actually respect you and listen to what you to say.  But, if you really think that I’m going to fall for this la, la, la, la, la…  You have to be kidding me.
K: Well I think that you need to realize, is like, we’re in a situation & we’re here…
B: You already have a rose, & you already had a one-on-one.
K: …to have a connection & spend time with Arie, so I do have a rose & I did have 2 minutes earlier, it was very very brief.
B: I really don’t even understand how you think that it’s okay to steal that time away or anything from any of these women…
K: Well I meant it as no disrespect, & when I came in to check on you I asked if you had enough time…
B: To check on me?  Baby girl, it’s not about checking.  If I’m trying to talk to my man, you need to back the f*ck off.
K: Well I did, & I asked if you needed more time…
B: That’s all I gotta say.
K: …and I did & I gave that to you, & I let you come out.
B: You need to check yourself first before you try to check on other people.
K: Look, I don’t want to upset you or anyone else…
B: Well, you already did & I really think that you already upset me & everybody else, & honestly at this point, umm, nobody’s going to respect your time.  You just dug a big asshole big ass hole for yourself.  Good luck Krystal.  I’m done with you.  I think you really need to take some time.  Maybe tomorrow do your little workout, meditate a little, & reflect on what you just did, because there’s a lot of angry people here & I’m just the voice.
K: Well, I apologize.  I didn’t mean to offend anyone…
B: And, MIC DROP.

Krystal has zero self-awareness & clearly does not know how to genuinely apologize.  The whole cocktail party smelled of some intern producer running around riling up Bibiana & prompting Krystal to interrupt every single woman.

Valerie, Lauren G, & Jenny go home.  Jenny, being the brat she is, walked out without speaking to Arie.  She claims to never have been dumped before, uh you still haven’t.  You’ve only known Arie for all of 48 hours.  Arie chased after her, Jenny told him she was only sad to leave her new friends, not him.  She might be prime for Bachelor in Paradise.

Favorite tweets from the night:  

What did y’all think of this week’s episode?  Was it everything you’d hoped for?  Was it everything you need?  Are you TeamBibiana or TeamKrystal?

Until next week…

Kiss Hug,