The Bachelorette: Clare’s Dudes

Hi friends! ¬†I hope y’all are practicing your social distancing. ūüôā

Okay, so we now know who Clare Crawley’s men are. ¬†It has been a few seasons since I have paid attention to the cast (thanks a lot Arie for ruining the franchise for years to come). ¬†The show has stated that production is on hiatus due to CV-19, so we will see how that will affect the premiere date of May 18. ¬†I wonder if The Bachelorette will still premiere on the 18th, but still be filming the season?

Let’s dive into the dudes. ¬†I would like to preface this by saying – out of 32 guys, only 9 are over the age of 30. ¬†As a reminder Clare is 38, & will turn 39 during her season. ¬†Since we don’t have full bios, below is purely my first impression.

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Aaron is our first person over 30 (1). ¬†He looks like a Hallmark movie lead & I’m not complaining. ¬†Alex is from Dallas, the only Texas city represented this season. ¬†He looks like he’d be friends with the guy from Dallas that met Tia in BIP.

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Anthony gives me Tom Schwartz vibes from Vanderpump Rules.  Austin gives me AC Slater vibes minus the dimples.

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Bennett also looks like a Hallmark lead, but hello sir.  So cute.  Blake Monar is cute too & 30 (2).  Hope Clare likes tattoos.

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Blake Moynes looks like a super nice lumberjack. ¬†Bret’s name is spelled wrong, but he is age appropriate at 42 (3) – the only person already older than Clare.

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I feel like we all know a dude like Cameron.  Cameron apparently has a very problematic, misogynistic IG page.  Yea, Chad Johnson 2.0.  Chris looks like he could be a serial killer, or you know like totally normal.  He could go either way.

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Dale is another one over 30 (4), he gives me personal trainer vibes.  Demar gives me Wills vibes.

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Ed is age appropriate (5), & looks like Joey Tribiany & Aimes (and his red pants) had a love child.  Ellis is going home night 1; he just looks like such a twerp.

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Both of these guys are too young for Clare. ¬†Grant looks like the football player from Becca’s season that kept getting hurt. ¬†Greg looks like an accountant that still likes to party.

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Ivan looks like a nice guy; he may be the guy that will be around for awhile but you can’t remember him. ¬†Jake – just no. ¬†Does he live in Dean’s van too?

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Okay, so James is 23, his brain is not fully developed. ¬†Clare would have been a freshman in high school when he was born. ¬†Hopefully he’ll be gone night 1. ¬†Jay is cute, but weird hair or hairline or both?

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I think Jordan is so cute!  Anyone else think he looks like Nick Viall.  Josh is over 30 (6), not sure Clare will be into him.

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Does anyone else think JP looks like Kenny Chesney with hair?  All he needs is the pooka shell necklace.  Karl looks nice & is age appropriate (7).  I may get him & Ivan confused if they both make it past night 1 Рthey have the same hairline & face shape.

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Matt G. looks like he was looking down & then looked up on the count of three. ¬†Ha! ¬†He’s too young. ¬†Matt J. is Tyler C’s (Hannah B’s season) friend I believe. ¬†Also looks like a personal trainer.

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Mike better be in the Final Four!  He is so pretty and the same age (8) as Clare, & we know she likes Canadians.  Miles is from Shreveport, but looks like a WASP from Connecticut.

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Do both of these guys look the same age to you?  They are.  Both are 25, & both are too young for Clare.  Nick looks like Dean, if Dean was raised in the suburbs.  I wonder if he is in IT?  Noah is from Long Beach & totally fits that vibe.  Get rid of the mustache.

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Tyler gives me a very Richie Cunningham vibe.  Yosef is our last guy over the age of 30 (9).  He looks like he might go by the nickname Brosef.

Like I said above, these are my first impressions based on looks alone.  I may (hopefully) change my mind about some of these guys if/when ABC releases actual bios.

What do you think of Clare’s guys? ¬†Anyone else feel like ABC casted some of these guys with no lead in mind? ¬†I guess they have to do that to a certain degree based time constraints.

Anyway, I hope everyone is staying safe out there & being responsible.

Until next time…

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelorette: Clare Crawley

Y’all, ABC just announced that Clare Crawley will be the next Bachelorette!96C3C46D-DCF6-4EE1-8BAB-677D443C4B83

Some of you may remember Clare from Juan Pablo’s season, as his runner up. ¬†You may remember her from Bachelor in Paradise, twice, talking to raccoons. ¬†Or, you may remember her from Bachelor Winter Games.

I find Clare to be endearing because she stands up for herself & doesn’t take a lot sh*t; however, she always falls for the wrong guy initially. ¬†Always. ¬†We have all done this. ¬†Also, Clare is 38! ¬†Cue the gasps!!! ¬†I truly hope ABC provides age appropriate men for Clare to seriously consider. ¬†I hope her season will bring the Bachelor franchise back to the good old days when we actually believed everyone was there to fine love, as opposed to selling “flat tummy tea” on Instagram. ¬†This is the most exciting pick since Brad Womack’s second season, & Rachel being chosen as the first only black Lead.

I have staunchly boycotted The Bachelor/Bachelorette since they did Becca so dirty with Arie dumping her for his reject…with a split screen. ¬†Gross. ¬†I also have been really disgusted with how young the cast has gotten. ¬†I mean most of their brains are not yet fully developed…that’s not an insult, it is literally science.

As a reminder, Andrew Firestone will always be my GOAT of the franchise. ¬†But, I’m happy to watch in the hopes that the current season will top his…hasn’t happened yet.

Since, I am fully onboard with Clare, I will be back to recapping each episode!  Yea!!!

What about you?  Do think ABC made the right choice?  Does her age bother you?

Until the season starts…

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelorette: Karma is Karma

So, I made the tragic mistake of watching Episode 2 right before Episode 3, & they are running together in my head!¬† I can’t remember what happened on which date, so hang in there with me.

First Date: Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton

The guys gave Becca & her girlfriends some pampering at the least spa-like spa I’ve ever seen.¬† Do you think the real spa was going through a renovation & so they filmed in the holding room for all the chairs?¬† Did they spend this episode’s budget on Richard Mark & the rights to Right Here Waiting?

So, Tia & Colton know each other & it’s super awkward.¬† Becca, clearly uncomfortable, addressed the issue with Tia almost immediately.¬† I loved that TinkerBekah asked if Colton though Tia was going to be The Bachelorette.¬† Ouch.¬† Becca basically wanted to know if they slept together, & according to both parties they did not.¬† Colton is back in Becca’s top 4 now.¬† Too bad she forgot Jason, I mean Joel Maisel, I mean Jason’s name.

Tell me these aren’t the same guy.

I’m betting some of these people will once again get the chance to paint each other’s nails in Paradise.

At the evening portion of the date, Jordan had some real quotable gems.

“He’s a dried up chicken.” – talking about David (the Chicken).

“You’re a skeleton of a man.” – speaking to David.¬† Jordan, I think you meant shell.

“Karma is Karma.” – referring to David tattling (cardinal sin) to Becca about Jordan’s 4,000 Tinder matches.

Let’s discuss the Tinder thing for a sec…
4,000 Tinder matches / 365 days per year = 10.958 matches per day
4,000 Tinder matches / 52 weeks per year = 76.923 matches per week
That’s a lot of time spent swiping right.¬† “Modeling” might be his career, but Jordan Tinders like it is his job.

Back to the quotes…

“You are something I would like to see myself next to.” – talking to Becca.¬† Jordan, that’s not how you speak to women.

‚ÄúAttached to me is professionality.¬† It‚Äôs in the way I walk; it‚Äôs in the way I talk.¬† Okay?¬† If you want to try and wreck my image, you‚Äôll never succeed.¬† And, you want to know why? Because my image is me.¬† Hey‚Ää‚ÄĒ‚Äächeers to you being a¬†bitch.‚ÄĚ – once again fighting with David.

Wills is all of us.

The best part of this entire group date was the reactions to the various Jordan/David arguments from Jason & Wills. Wills & Jason

Colton reconfirmed that he is here for Becca & didn’t sleep with Tia, so naturally they madeout a few times & he got the group date rose.

Second Date: Chris

They go to Capitol Records where Richard Marx was right there waiting for them.¬† Y’all they totally didn’t know who he was, right?¬† Also, has Richard had some work done???¬†¬†Richard Marx

PS Рwhat is Becca wearing?  That look is not cute, girl.

This date was kinda lame.¬† They had to write a song.¬† Chris’ daddy issues bubbled to the surface.¬† I don’t think Becca is that into him, I just can’t get past his similarity to Chandler Bing’s roommate with the goldfish.

Chris got the sympathy rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, we are greeted with lots of blood…David’s blood to be exact.¬† We see him being gurney’d out of the house.¬† Chris Harrison informs us all, including Becca, that David fell off the top bunk, face first on the tile floor, & that he is in ICU.¬† To be fair, top bunks suck & face wounds always bleed a lot.¬†¬†Bunk beds

Third Date: Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, & Blake

Football.¬† Lincoln sucks at drills & kinda cheats his way through them just like he did on the obstacle course from last week.¬† Clay, being the only player on his team, injures his wrist tying up the game.¬† I don’t quite understand how he did this, but he too had to be taken to the hospital¬† in an ambulance.

Two ambulances in one episode?  Mike Fleiss must have had such a hard-on.

Clay managed to get his wrist in a sling & headed back to the group date, which ultimately got him the rose.

Cocktail Party: Clay told Becca that he needs to have surgery on his wrist, & has to leave because his football “career” takes care of him & his entire family.¬† Que the convulsing ovaries heard ’round Bachelor Nation.¬† I suspect we’ll see this gentle giant again.

Favorite Tweets from the night: BSE3.1BSE3.2BSE3.3

My favorite part from the previews for next week is when David returns, just in the nick of time for the Rose Ceremony, with his face blurred out.¬† Jordan eloquently points out that David “looks like a chicken that crossed the road & got hit by a bus.”

What did y’all think of the episode?¬† Are we tired of Jordan yet?¬† I still enjoy laughing at him.¬† I suspect David & Jordan will e on the 2-on-1 date in two-ish weeks.

Until next time…

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelorette: Retire the “Damn Thing”

BeccaLet me start this recap by saying a few things:

  1. I really struggled with wanting to recap this season because I have not forgiven Mike Fleiss & ABC for basically turning Arie’s breakup with Becca into a #MeToo moment.¬† They handled it so poorly.¬† Did they steal the idea from UnREAL?
  2. Was it just me, or did they release the men’s bios really late?
  3. My mom got married Sunday, so I didn’t have the time to look at the bios beforehand, but I’ve listened to the Popcast, Here to Make Friends, & Will You Accept This Rose podcasts analyze the guys.¬† I feel like I have pretty good handle on the situation.¬† All of these podcasts have fantastic recaps as well, so you should definitely listen – after you read this of course.
  4. Garrett is this season’s Lee from Rachel’s Season…at least he is in real life.¬† He has deleted his IG account, but checkout this article.¬† He’s a real gem.¬† Racist.¬† Homophobic. Anti-women. I could go on and on.¬† Thank you to Ashley Spivey, Claire Fallon, & Emma Gray for keeping us informed!

With that said, I’m here for y’all, & I’m here for Becca.¬† She did nothing wrong last season, except saying “Let’s do the damn thing” twice.¬† We can now retire that saying.¬† I love Becca and hope her season is everything Arie’s wasn’t.¬† I will now never say the A-word again.

Limo One:
Colton: I love confetti.  I love a blonde with brown eyes.  Colton is definitely one to watch.
Grant: He is cute!  Love his dimples.  Grant looks like Matt Damon & Jason Bateman had a love child. Grant's LovechildClay: seems like a gentle giant.
Jean Blanc: He said “let’s do the damn thing” in French, who knew it could be worse?
Conner: He pulled Becca’s move from last season.¬†¬†Conner looks like Dean & Juan Pablo had a love child.¬†Conner's Lovechild

These guys were nervous.

Limo Two:
Joe: I love Joe!  He looks just like someone I went to school with; Dustin S. is that you???
John: The token Asian, but he is impressive.  I have him to thank for Venmo.
Leo: He has Alex the Russian’s face & Jason Mamoa’s hair.Leo's LovechildJordan: Seems like a Tool McDouche Nugget of the highest order.¬† You can see his dick through his pants, eww.
Rickey: He’s into grammar & adjectives.¬† I kind of love that.

Limo Three:
Alex: He’s much cuter in person; he brought a jar for all his roses.¬† I’m not sure what to make of that.
Nick: He arrived in a race car driver outfit (uniform?), then stripped it off to reveal his suit.¬† I’m undecided on him.
Mike: He brought the A-word in cut-out form.  Can we burn it?
Garrett: He drove up in a minivan; Garrett looks like Becca’s ex, Ross.¬†¬†She’s totally loving him.¬† For all I know about him, he is very smooth & think he is Final Four, if not the One.¬†Becca's Ex

Limo Four:
Blake: He road up on an ox this time? His feelings are “as strong as an ox.”¬† Is this okay?
Lincoln: Brought cake for his birthday?¬† I’m not even going to mention the awful story circulating about him right now…
Chase: He said “it’s all about the chase.”¬† Barf.
Darius: I missed his entrance somehow, but he went home…
Ryan: Is he wearing drapery as a jacket?  I love Ryan!

Limo Five:
Christon: He is tall, dark, & handsome.  He dunked over Becca, which was so cool.
Wills: Claims to be a closeted nerd; is that code for something else?¬† Is he Lincoln’s twin?¬†TwinsiesJason: Gave Becca a secret handshake.¬†¬†Jason looks like the husband from the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.¬†JasonKamil: I don’t like the way he speaks to her.¬† Is he the coke addicted Russian dancer from UnREAL last season?
Jake: They know each other; she was weirded out that he was there & dubious of his intentions.  Jake looks like Andrew Keegan & Ryan Reynolds had a love child. Jake's Lovechild

Limo Six:
Trent: He arrived in a Hearst, yet didn’t say “I’ve been dying to meet you.”
Christian: Becca said he was suave, & the we promptly never heard from him again.
David: He arrived as Big Bird? A chicken?  He really kept up the bird act all night.  I love David!
Chris: Chandler’s roommate is here.¬† He brought a gospel choir; Uncle Gary would have approved…too bad he turned out to be the Tattler.¬†¬†Chris

Overall, I’m not too impressed with the men so far.¬† I think Colton, Garrett, 7 Lincoln on ones to watch based on the previews.

Favorite Tweets from the night: BSE1.1BSE1.2BSE1.3

What did y’all think?¬† Any stand outs?

Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: Women Tell All

My favorite episode is upon us, The Women Tell All!!!¬† I love this episode because the women are forced to face all the awful things they’ve said behind backs, in confessionals, to faces, etc.¬† Last night was no exception in that regard, everyone came in salty.

I thought there were some, shall we say, interesting outfits…¬† Caroline with the tube bra top under a blazer.¬† Seinne’s weird collar/halter dress.¬† TinkerBekah’s earrings.¬† Lauren G’s lingerie.¬† See picture below.¬†¬†Questionable Outfits

So, we learned a few things from the WTA:

  • Krystal’s voice wasn’t near as grating…until you listened to what she said.
  • She has zero remorse for her deplorable behavior.
    • Her bleeped subtitles looked like Mad Libs.
  • TinkerBekah said it best, “We’d like you a lot better if you’d just say ‘Yeah, I was a bitch and I’m sorry.'”
    • Krystal is convinced that she was not the problem.
  • I legit applauded, from my couch, when What’s-Her-Name in the green dress (Olivia?) asked Krystal what happened to her voice.
    • Krystal said that she lost her voice.¬† Maybe that’s God’s way of saying STFU.
  • Her update on her brother (he’s no longer homeless) was ruined by her use of the word “like” every fifth word.
  • TinkerBekah loves earrings.
    • Do you think she wears such big earrings because she secretly wishes her hair was longer?¬†TinkerBekah
    • She was very well spoken on the WTA.¬† If she didn’t confirm that she was going to Paradise, I almost think she could’ve been a contender for Bachelorette.
  • Seinne got a Bachelorette edit.
    • Do you think Peter would come back to be on her season?¬†¬†Seinne & Peter
  • I would like Jenna’s Botox regime, stat.
    • The girl’s eyebrows do not move, & I want to get me some of that.¬† Her skin is flawless.
  • Tia got the biggest Bachelorette edit.
    • Yet, she still couldn’t apologize for throwing women under the bus in her moments of insecurity.
  • Caroline is my new favorite to be the Bachelorette, although it is a long shot.
    • She is fierce, and salty, and in your face.¬† I am here for it!
    • She was so salty to Arie; the rumor mill is saying that Caroline & Becca became besties & Arie did Becca dirty somehow.¬† I think she’s the one crying in the promos that we don’t see, but hear.
    • Do you think Arie will pull a Mesnick?
  • The Arie we had on the Women Tell All, is the Arie I wish we’d had all season.
  • Same goes for Chris Harrison.

Favorite Tweets: S22E9.1S22E9.2S22E9.3S22E9.4S22E9.5

My list of Bachelorette Contenders (in my preferred order):

Contenders for Paradise:
Annaliese – how fun would her phobias be in Paradise?

Who do you want to see as The Bachelorette?¬† Who’s going to Paradise with TinkerBekah?

We have another episode tonight, which looks so good.

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: Doe, A Dear

Okay, so it’s Sunday afternoon before Women Tell All.¬† It’s been raining cats & dogs here in Houston, TX…so what better time to recap Arie’s hometowns while finishing up Bachelor: Winter Games.

This is going to be quick because I refuse to re-watch this boring episode.

Kendall’s hometown: Los Angeles, CA

  • Arie & Kendall stuffed Stuart Little & Templeton and then made them get married.
  • We met Kendall’s twin sister Kylie – the original Kendall & Kylie!¬† Kris Jenner really missed an opportunity to name Rob Kolton.
  • Kendall’s family is unimpressed with Arie.¬† Her dad told him that Kendall is not the one for him & didn’t give his “blessing.”

Tia’s hometown: Weiner, AR

  • Tia has a cousin named Rhonda – this is the most Tia thing I’ve ever learned.
  • Apparently, Tia & Arie had dinner with Raven & Adam.¬† Why didn’t we see this?
  • Tia’s dad is going to learn how to Google if Arie hurts Tia.
  • Is it really a party if pigs in a blanket are not served?

Becca’s hometown: Minneapolis, MN

  • Becca takes Arie apple picking, which looked delightful but so cold.
  • I love Becca’s family…even though I was initially scared of Uncle Gary.
  • Arie seemed the most relaxed on this date.
  • Arie & Becca have a lot of sexual innuendos in their conversations.

Becca: My uncle is a pastor.
Arie: Any advice on how I make that conversation go good?
Me: Learn some f*cking grammar.

Lauren’s hometown: Virgina Beach, VA

  • The saying, “I got it from my mama,” has never been more true than Lauren & her mother.
  • Arie is super nervous.
  • Lauren was brave to wear denim on the beach.¬† Who does that?
  • Based on this super boring hometown, I think Arie & Lauren will be happily boring after.

Rose Ceremony:

Arie pulls Kendall aside at the beginning of the Rose Ceremony.¬† Tia, insecure, says that “Kendall makes the least sense.”¬† She’s not wrong, but I hate that these comments only come out in her moments of insecurity.¬†¬†S22E8 Rose Ceremony

Tia went home, ugly crying all the way.  She got the Bachelorette edit.  Did the right woman go home?

Favorite Tweets: S22E8.1S22E8.2S22E8.3S22E8.4S22E8.5S22E8.6

Tonight is my favorite episode of the Season, Women Tell All.¬† I hope the women are savage to Krystal!¬† I can’t wait to see TinkerBekah again.

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: The Tell Tale Heart

I can’t lie…no blog post from of Episode 6.¬† I had a super crazy week at work, that started out shitty but ended okay, & fell asleep on my couch every night by 8pm.¬† Considering that Krystal went home, I thought the episode as a whole was pretty bland & boring…Lauren Borin’.¬† Way to ruin Paris.¬† I did hear that the house boat thing the women stayed on was the first time all season that each lady had her own room.¬† Good for them.

Episode 7’s recap will be quick & dirty…more a Tweetcap if you will.¬† I’ve decided Arie is basically about as fun as Melba toast lately.¬† He’s also getting more & more orange base face.

Side note: the bell chimes were very aggressive in this episode…much like the heartbeat in the¬†Tell Tale Heart.

First date: Becca “Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan Sun”

What the f*ck is she wearing?  They went to Barga.  An old breadmaker (???) tried wooing Becca away from Arie.   As much as I love Becca, there was a lot of ex-boyfriend talk.  At this point, I would have rather  have watched that Diane Lane movie instead.

Becca got the rose/hometown.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Jacqueline was spiraling…¬† Her breakup convo with Arie went a little something like this:

Knocking on Arie’s hotel door.¬† Jacqueline cries.¬† She steals Arie’s wine.¬† Arie is pissed & pours Jacqueline her own glass of wine.¬† Kissy face.¬† Kissy face.¬† Tears.¬† “I can’t see myself introducing you to my parents.”¬† Kissy face. Crying. Guzzle the wine.¬† “I don’t want to go on two dates with you & wake up in Scottsdale married a few years from now.”¬† Cries.¬† Kissy face.¬† Arie says, “Are you scared of me?”¬† Kissy face.¬† Cries.¬† Kissy face. Goodbye.¬† “Come back if you change your mind.”

Second date: Lauren “Let’s break down our walls.”

They go to Luca.  This is the most she has ever spoken.  She confessed her love for Arie.  Arie walked away, just long enough to make her super insecure, then came back & said he was falling for her too.

I don’t read spoilers, so I could be way off, but my theory is that for some odd reason we haven’t seen Arie is totally in love with Lauren.¬† He had to walk away to ask for permission to tell her how he feels.

Lauren got the rose/hometown.

Third date: Seinne “I’m searching for the one.”

Truffle hunting & made pasta & pizza.¬† Seinne & Arie were mostly split up during this date & you could hear bells all throughout…foreshadowing.¬† All I can think about is the movie Ever After on this date.¬†¬†Ever After

He sent Seinne home.

Group date: TinkerBekah, Tia, & Kendall “Meet me at the love rail.”

They go to Villa Royale, which looked like a really bad movie prop.¬† Bell chimes again.¬† Tia broke the cardinal rule of not talking about another girl to the lead.¬† Tia warned Arie that TinkerBekah “just isn’t ready for marriage.”¬† Bell chimes.¬† At least Tia did tell TinkerBekah that she talked about her.

Are gave Kendall a rose/hometown, turning the 3-on-1 date to a 2-on-1.  Tia ultimately got the rose/hometown.

Hometowns: S22E7 Rose Ceremony

Favorite Tweets: S22E7.1S22E7.2S22E7.3S22E7.4

So I have a theory, ABC really wanted Raven to be last season’s Bachelorette, but they got in hot water for the lack of diversity.¬† This, Raven 2.0, Tia will be the next Bachelorette.

Until next time…

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: Glitter Bombed

Okay, since I seem to suck at getting my recaps out in a reasonable time, this one will be quick & dirty.

The Bachelor goes to Ft. Lauderdale…basically the Scottsdale of Florida.¬† Did Arie have to get rid of Caroline because she’s from Ft. Lauderdale?

First Date: Chelsea

So, this is basically Gilligan & Ginger on a date on a boat.¬† Ginger wishes it was The Professor, but still manages to say¬†“I’m on a dream boat, with a dreamboat.”¬† Vom.¬† Chelsea pulled a super dangerous stunt by straddling Arie while he drove the jet ski.¬† She’s mom, in case you forgot, she should know better!¬† Side note:¬† what the hell is Arie’s giant amoeba tattoo??? (I couldn’t get a clear picture of this).

At dinner, Chelsea explained that her ex-husband (baby daddy?) was a real charmer, & left her when Sammy was 6 months old.¬† I kinda felt like she alluded to it being an abusive relationship, but she didn’t expressly say those words so I digress.¬† Her ex did her dirty, & Arie tried so hard not to say “awesome” or “amazing.”¬† Note to Arie, expand your vocabulary, perhaps learn some “a” words to express empathy, etc.¬† For example, awful, atrocious would even be appropriate in this instance.

Keeping with the¬†Gilligan’s Island theme, Captain (& Tenille) performed a ballad for them to awkwardly slow dance together.¬† Chelsea got the rose.

Group Date: Maquel (she’s back…for a bit), Krystal, Becca, TinkerBekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, & Lauren. “There’s not a moment to spare.”

Arie spared (see what I did there?) no time showing us his Big Lebowski impression.  My eyes may never recover.Arie - Big Lebowski

Arie split the women into two teams: Rizzo’s team & the Blue Team & the losing team would be heading back to the hotel.¬† The Blue Team basically got shitfaced, which I find to improve my bowling skills personally.¬† Because Jenna was obnoxious awesome (and amazing), the Blue Team won.¬† They were real gracious about it.

Arie had a change of heart, & allowed the pink team to join the after party mostly because he wanted to suck face with TinkerBekah.  As you can imagine, Krystal took this real well.  On the bus ride back to the hotel, they all needed to done their cocktail attire, Krystal went off.  For some God forsaken reason, there were no cameras rolling on the bus.  Has the Real Housewives taught us nothing?  You always keep the camera rolling!!!!  All the other women were shocked and pissed at Krystal.

Kendall, the unsung hero of the night, confronted Krystal about the bus ride.¬† Krystal said her bags were packed…don’t tease us!¬† Basically the rest of the episode was Arie & the women playing right into Krystal’s manipulations.

At the cocktail party, Arie says “we’re all here.”¬† Either Jenna or Kendall piped up & said “not all of us.”¬† I really wanted to see how long it would’ve taken Arie to notice.¬† He went up to Krystal’s room & Arie basically¬†put her in timeout.¬†¬†Krystal

While Arie plays 20 21 Questions with Lauren, which I didn’t mind although he was a little too impressed with coconut milk in coffee.¬† Meanwhile, TinkerBekah gave the group her best Krystal impression.¬†¬†Bekah - Sandra Dee

Of course this is timed perfectly for Krystal joining the party.  Rizzo

The women basically send her running back to her room.

Second Date: Tia

On the last one-on-one, we meet old as dirt Gilligan Gerald, tour guide of the Everglades.¬† I found this date to be a bit offensive on Tia’s behalf.¬† Arie loves to box her into the “good ole country gal” stereotype.¬† Gerald took Tia & Arie back to his place, which you too could rent for $99 per night.¬† Of course Gerald would be there.

At dinner, we learn that Tia lives in the city, has a PhD, & is in love with Arie.¬† This confession guarantees her a spot int he final four.¬† I’m calling it here – Tia will be the next Bachelorette.

Cocktail Party: we learn that Kendall would dabble in cannibalism.¬† We also learn that Krystal was just so hurt, which I think is code for f*cking furious at Arie & the women.¬† She claimed it was her & Arie’s first fight, which she seemed oddly happy about.¬† To her, that just showed that they were progressing as a couple.¬† Arie, on the other hand, is hoping that it will be their last fight.¬† Thus, we get imaginary glitter bombed.¬†Krystal 2

Rose Ceremony: S22E5 Rose Ceremony

Favorite Tweets from the night: S22E5.1S22E5.2S22E5.3S22E5.4S22E5.5S22E5.6S22E5.7

What did you think of Episode 5?  Krystal is obviously going on the two-on-one date.  Can you believe Maquel came back, only to be sent home?  At least she looked beautiful.

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: The “Bekah-ning”

You guys!¬† This episode was so much better than last week!¬† Arie has upgraded from human oatmeal to human Greek yogurt.¬† I would have said cottage cheese, but I hate cottage cheese.¬† Plain Greek yogurt isn’t great either, but when you add stuff to it it gets so much better.¬† Maybe by the end of the season we’ll have a parfait?¬† Although, he still likes to go to bed early, drink wine, & kiss, but he finally said more than “amazing” & “awesome.”

Chris Harrison showed up early to announce that they were traveling…to South Lake Tahoe, basically the Cancun of Lake Tahoe.¬† Arie stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel, while the women stayed in Kendall’s dream house.

First One-on-One Date: Seinne “Let’s Let Our Love Soar.”

Y’all I love Seinne!¬† I’ve taken tow Bachelor quizzes recently & got Seinne both times.¬† Does this mean we’re destined to be best friends?¬† So, Arie & Seinne go parasailing over Lake Tahoe, which I have to think was super chilly as this was filmed in November-ish.¬† Meanwhile, back at the lodge the ladies spy on them because the producers conveniently left binoculars out on the balcony.¬† Seinne really did the heavy lifting until Arie finished his meal & he finally started reciprocating the conversation.¬† However, I think she is far too good for Arie, & I hope she becomes the next Bachelorette or leaves the franchise all together.

During their date, Maquel got a call that her grandpa passed away.¬† Sad face.¬† I’m always curious as to why people use the term “passed away” versus “died.”¬† Personally, I use both but in different context.¬† If someone is sick or old, they pass away.¬† But, if there was an accident or something more gruesome, they died.¬† For example:
– My dad passed away, when I was 24, from a rare fungal pneumonia.
– Two kids died in a school shooting in Kentucky last week.
PS – both of these things actually happened.

Group Date: Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, Caroline “Will Our Love Survive?”

I kinda loved this date, which is weird because nature stuff is not my thing.¬† I’m more of a look at the pretty nature through the window kind of a gal.¬† I’m not going to wipe my ass with a leaf, I’m not going to eat bugs, not for me.¬† Sorry Kendall.¬† So, ABC brought in a really high profile survivor expert & his wife to teach the women about survival in the forest.¬† They were supposed to pee in a canteen & drink, but Arie rescued them from having to “drink” it.

So, then women split into teams & had to navigate their way over the river & through the woods to find the chalet (was it a chalet?).¬† Arie’s team won, of course, & they celebrated by stripping down to itty bitty, teeny weeny, yellow polka-dot bikinis & getting in the heated pool.¬† Arie bee-lined for Krystal & showed her a smidge of PDA in front of Tia & Caroline.¬† Caroline & Tia poked fun at the situation by mimicking Arie & Krystal & joking around.¬† Of course Krystal took it personally, when they were really making fun of the situation as a whole & more directed towards Arie.

According to Krystal, all the women are desperate & aggressive for attention by being enthusiastic for the date.¬† ¬†Wasn’t she the one last week that claimed she’d be aggressive if needed?

Now, just sit right there, & let me tell you how Krystal became the villain of Bellaire The Bachelor.

  1. The ever changing voice was the first red flag.
  2. She is so obsessed with Arie, she acts as if she has already won him & the other women are just white noise.
  3. She also thinks she is better than all the other women because they are “so insecure.”¬†Krystal
  4. Thanks to her one-on-one, she now knows where he lives.  Big mistake.  Huge.
  5. Her manipulation of situations & turning it in her favor as the victim.
  6. She’s a narcissist & possible sociopath.Narcissist DefinitionSociopth Definition
  7. She purposefully whispers, so people have to lean into her – giving her “the upper hand.”

I did appreciate that Arie did take charge a bit at the After Party, by singling women out for one-on-one time.  FINALLY!  Outside of that, Krystal stirred up drama with all the woman, but specifically singled out Tia & Caroline.  Tia was not having it & I was living for it!

Second One-on-One Date: TinkerBekah – I didn’t catch the date card on this one.

I have to confess, I am on Team TinkerBekah!¬† Actually, I love the other Becca too – she is giving me Katherine from Sean Lowe’s season vibes.¬† We kinda don’t see much of her & then she’ll wind up in the top 4.

So Arie takes TinkerBekah horseback riding.¬† He insisted on helping her on the horse, but I’m pretty sure he wanted an excuse to touch her butt.¬† Then they get “so naked” in a hot¬† barrel bucket tub.

At dinner, they were talking – you know as one does on a¬† date.¬† Then TinkerBekah says, “Wait, do you know how old I am?”¬† She confesses that she is only 22 & Arie is shocked-ish.¬† He says, “you are so young.¬† I mean, I knew you were young, but not this young.¬† Have you ever dated? (long pause) A guy my age?”

Let’s just recap the age gaps between the women & Arie:
Bekah, age 22 – 14 year age gap
Maquel, age 23 – 13 year age gap
Ashley & Lauren, age 25 – 11 year age gap
Jacqueline, Kendall, & Tia, age 26 – 10 year age gap
Becca, Marikh, & Seinne, age 27 – 9 year age gap
Jenna, age 28 – 8 year age gap
Chelsea & Krystal, age 29 – 7 year age gap

Please notice that the two closest in age to Arie, are the ones most of us like the least.¬† However, ABC tricked us into thinking Chelsea would be the “Olivia” villain on night one.¬† Obviously, Krystal is the lunatic this season…and in real life.

Now as someone whose parents were 10 years apart in age, big age differences are not a deal breaker for me.¬† However, my parents met when my dad was 40 & Mama J was 30.¬† I don’t think TinkerBekah’s age would be an issue if she was say 30 & he was 44, but I do agree that 22 is super young, compared to a 36 year old – mostly in life experience though.¬† I’m not sure TinkerBekah has ever had to pay bills, sign a contract, deal with the death of close family members, or any of the obstacles life may throw at you between 22 & 36, but I digress.

All of this was a waste of time though because Arie gave her the rose & made out with her.  We knew this would happen,as she has been in the Italy promos since the beginning.  Arie

At the cocktail party, Chris Harrison interrupts Krystal’s lecture speech to inform the ladies that there will be no cocktail party.¬† Hallelujah!

Rose Ceremony: S22E4 Rose Ceremony

The only 30yo left got sent home, RIP Brittany.  Caroline went home too, which I was shocked by.

Favorite Tweets: S22E4.1S22E4.2S22E4.3S22E4.4S22E4.5S22E4.6S22E4.7

What did y’all think of the episode?¬† We’re all hating Krystal, right?

Kiss Hug,

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The Bachelor: “I Can’t Watch This”

In all honesty, I wasn’t going to post a recap of Episode 3 because I hated it so much.¬† I spent this entire episode either completely bored or incredibly angry at Arie.¬† What is wrong with Arie?¬† These women are so much more interesting than he is; Arie is basically a Muppet.¬† He is human oatmeal.¬†¬†Boring

I’m going to do a speed round recap, as I think everything you need to know about this episode is summed up nicely in the SNL Car Hunk skit.

First Group Date: Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, TinkerBekah, Bibiana, Krystal – “It’s all about the ring.”

ABC brought in the founding members of GLOW to teach the women how to fake wrestle.¬† Some women were really into it, some not so much.¬† One of the GLOW ladies basically ridiculed Bibiana for having an “ethnic” name.¬† I was shocked that ABC & The Bachelor would allow this when they have been under such scrutiny for lack of diversity.¬† After Rachel’s season, I am flabbergasted that racial intolerance would once again be allowed.¬†¬†unacceptable

They went to a cute little Air Stream trailer park for the after party.  The women all made out with Arie, as usual he asked none of them any questions.  Krystal was her normal psycho self, very manipulative.  TinkerBekah got the rose.

One-on-One: Lauren S. “You had me at merlot.”

They went wine tasting in Napa – this is my dream date y’all.¬† Lauren was very nervous, & because of that she could. not. stop. talking.¬† Arie ate his meal on the date…while Lauren was still talking.¬† She referred to herself in third person, as Lauren S.¬† This was so sad.¬† ¬†Lauren S. got sent home.

Second Group Date: Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese “Love is ruff.”

Honestly, I tuned out on this date.¬† Chris Harrison & that guy from Best in Show were the commentators at a dog show for kids.¬† Annaliese was afraid of dogs, so she was the pooper scooper.¬† AnnalieseThe Bachelor did her dirty again this week.¬† They exploited Annaliese’s legit fear of dogs with another Rescue 911 montage, & they kept her focused on how she hadn’t kissed Arie yet.¬† Chelsea got the rose.

Cocktail Party: Annaliese spent the entire cocktail party trying to get a kiss from Aire, he sent her home early, & she is now traumatized by The Bachelor.¬† TinkerBekah kept saying “I can’t watch this.”¬† Me either, girl…me either.¬† At this point, Bibiana & Brittany are the only women over 30 left, & fore shawdowing from earlier told us that Bibiana was going home.¬† Bibiana created a cute little makeout pad for her & Aire, he blew her off & proceeded to take all the other women there to makeout.¬† Bibiana went home.¬† Brittany is now the only 30 year old left.

Rose Ceremony:  S22E3 Rose Ceremony

Favorite Tweets: S22E3.1S22E3.2S22E3.3S22E3.4S22E3.5

I personally do not think Arie is interested in any of the women, except to bone them.¬† Although, he does show some tepid interest in TinkerBekah & Becca because they are the only women he actually asks specific questions to during their time together…then they makeout.

Hopefully this week will be better…fingers crossed!

Kiss Hug,

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