VPR Recap: All Roads Lead to Booze

So, clearly Lala quit Vanderpump Rules & could no longer go on the Sonoma Express RV for Ariana’s birthday.  Oh, how I miss Sonoma!  I’d move there tomorrow – anyone know any single vintners?  giphy

Oh god, Stassi is only 28?  Wow.  I feel like she should be 32 at least.  KKS & Scheana are so impressed with the nautical decor in Montauk.  Oy vey.

Ariana called LVP to check on Lala – surprise, surprise, Lisa hasn’t heard from Lala.  Ariana is now on #TeamEveryoneElse.  Jax apparently reeks because he hasn’t showered since his boob job.  He also thinks that vodka is made at a vodka vineyard.  I feel like they need cards phonetically spell out how to say these wines…specifically for Brittany.  How rude of them to make Ariana take spit bucket shot.

Meanwhile in Montauk, a bird pooped on the girls – that’s fitting.  Kristen claims to be in a perfect relationship & called out Stassi for being single.  Stassi cried.  Scheana snarked that it could be karma, but she doesn’t hold grudges so she didn’t say that. bird-poop

James met up with some random dude that was stupid enough to give him a job.  James has been sober for two weeks, & taken up a new habit – ice cream.  Arthur psycho-analyzed James, he was fairly accurate.  However, he did hire James, so…  Side note: James looks nice in his glasses.

Does Jax dye his hair?  The guys grilled hot dogs on a hibachi while the girls took tequila swigs in the RV.  Tom Sandoval is lamenting about Ariana lack of a sex drive.  This conversation is a TMI…way TOO much information.  These guys are having such a real bromance conversation.  Man, Ariana can put that tequila away!  I am impressed.

In the Hamptons, Stassi wanted green tea shots – what is that?  In her confessional, did Scheana shade these girls for taking shots?  Girls, I don’t care how old you turn – never turn down a free round of drinks early in the night.  Luckily the bartender is hot; unluckily, Katie hit it off with him.

James stopped by SUR to meet up with Max.  LVP cornered James to ask about Lala; he doesn’t know anything either.  And, the mystery continues…  This mystery man sounds more like an abusive relationship.  Should we be worried?  Y’all, could it be possible that Katie was right about Lala all along?  Please don’t let it be so.

So, Scheana has seemed kind of lame for Stassi’s birthday weekend – she’s not drinking, not skinny dipping, etc.  However, I think it is so smart of her; you just know that KKS is waiting for her to get drunk & then pounce on her for disagreeing with them.

The girls totally got caught skinny dipping – HILARIOUS!!!

Overall, it was a pretty tame episode & nice for the most part.

Until next week.

Kiss Hug,

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VPR Recap: Hot Man Boobs

Once again, I thought this episode was a bit dull overall…yet, I still religiously watch.  Not sure what I’ll do next week when the Bachelor starts back up because I will be recapping that as well.  However, I have a few thoughts on last night’s show.

First things first, two words: Tea Towels.  The tea towel wedding invitation is so bizarre to me.  I don’t know about you, but once I add the wedding details to my calendar the invite goes straight into the recycle bin.  These towels would be a total nuisance to me as I would feel guilty trashing it, but I don’t want to keep it either.  This keepsake invite theory was convoluted at best.  Also, why does Katie’s grandma know anything about Lala & her Range Rover?  Why do her mom & grandma care?

Stassi & Kristen arrive to help fold the towels.  Talk quickly turns to Scheana’s perceived betrayal… Stassi says that if Scheana bails on her birthday in Montauk, then that is not good bridesmaid behavior & must be excluded from the bridal party.  This would make most people happy, but would devastate Scheana.  Since when does Stassi get to decide who the bridesmaids are?  Is she getting married?  Oh, that’s right, Stassi & Patrick are once again on the outs for the 14th billion time.

Jax apparently has man-boobs from his Roid Rage days & has to have a mastectomy (???).  I think Jax is single-handedly responsible for the nice lifestyle I’m sure his plastic surgeon lives.  Luckily, Brittany is there to go about her normal routine of waiting on him hand & foot.   The Toms show up bearing gifts – a Hooters shirt & sports bra.  Most days I can’t stand Jax Taylor, but I do love the bromance with the Toms – at least when he’s not sleeping with one of their girlfriends.  bromance.gif

Side note: I really do not understand Jax’s hatred for Lala.  If anything, he did her wrong by calling her a liar when she was telling the truth last season.  I don’t think Jax is so loyal that he’d be offended over the way she treats Katie.  Just sayin’…

Back to Katie… She delivers LVP’s new Porsche to her.  Lisa can’t seem to help herself & tells Katie that Stassi is a bad influence on her, which is true.  Katie had the gall to tell LVP that she has offended her.  Some people can’t handle the truth…katie.gif

Meanwhile at Stassi’s un-air conditioned apratment, her mom & brother show up to complain about the heat.  Nikolai gave Stassi great advice, “You are not the boss of everyone, so butt out.” Nailed it.

James Kennedy has predictably gotten nowhere in the 5 seconds its been since he got fired, so he pleads with Lisa for his job back.  Of course his delivery was all wrong; he actually criticized Lisa for still employing Jax.  Now, we’ve all thought this as well, but Lisa loves Jax.  LVP basically tells James to GTFO & to think about a new career path.

The episode ends with all of Ariana’s birthday party crew at the airport waiting for Lala.  Shockingly, Schwartz was allowed to go to Sonoma instead of Montauk.

Favorite Tweets of the night: s5e8-1s5e8-2

What did you think of the episode?

See y’all back here next week!

Kiss Hug,

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VPR Recap: Dog Poop for Brains

Okay, I’m not going to lie…last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules was kind of a snooze.  That said, this blog will be fairly short as I share my initial thoughts during the show.

So Jax was clearly trying to get Brittany to break up with him, right?  Regardless of what happened between Brittany & Kristen, it was very obvious that Jax’s constant gleeful gossip upset Brittany.  That alone should have been reason enough for him to shut his stupid mouth, but noooo – Jax likes to learn things the hardest way possible.  This seems like a classic case of boy meets girl in Vegas, boy dates girl long distance, then boy moves said girl to LA, girl gets an LA handshake, boy tries make girl so miserable that she dumps him.  By George, I think I’ve hit the nail on the head!  Brittany got Jaxed. jax-ass

The Toms got couples massage; I love that they wanted a spa day together.  They should go ahead & get married while it’s still legal.  couples-massage

Meanwhile, Katie heads to Stassi’s apartment where Stassi is hoping to be made Maid of Honor.  Katie brought her a Princess Water instead.  Is Princess Water what Asa makes on Shahs?  Or is that Diamond Water?

At the prompting of LVP, James began his Apology Tour.  Thinking Scheana would be the easiest, he started with her.  And so it continues… I’ve determined that the entire cast of VPR are equal opportunity assholes.  Needless to say, Scheana didn’t accept James’ apology, more like they both took the opportunity to say “Peace be with you”…on opposite day.

My only thoughts on Lala this week are:

  1. She’s gorgeous.
  2. Love her relationship with her Mama.
  3. Did she really just order wine after her mom told her she needs to quit drinking?
  4. The girl cannot sing.

Tom & Katie discuss wedding plans…I have a few thoughts about that too:

  1. I don’t mind a prenup, but do they actually have anything of value?
  2. Can we please agree to stop using burlap at weddings?
  3. Did they really get married on a Wednesday? weding-planning

Oh yeah, there was a Puppy Fundraiser…seemed kind of sparse.  James half-heartedly apologized to Katie for calling her fat, which she did not accept.  This is a perfect example of how all these fools remain on the show – cyclical drama.  In his confessional, James maintains that he thinks Katie is fat & Scheana had a nose job – the truth as he sees it.

My lesson for James is this: you can tell the truth without body shaming.  See last week’s VPR Recap if you want to know how it’s done.

Towards the end of the fundraiser, James reminded the patrons to pick up the dogs’ shit; Brittany promptly picked Jax up & threw him in the trash.

It truly pains me to say this, but Kristen was right to scold Jax.  After her bizarre account of the infamous Kentucky Muffin Night of Bliss (that she conveniently can’t remember), she attempted to rationalize Brittany’s reaction to Jax.  She too got Jaxed.

My favorite Tweets from the night: s5e2-1s5e2-2s5e2-3

What did y’all think of the episode?

Week 2 of Christmas playlists will be up on Friday!  Tomorrow I will post this week’s Stranded With…

Kiss Hug,

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VPR Recap: Kentucky Muffins = Food Babies

Y’all, Vanderpump Rules came back with a bang!  Brace yourselves because this blog will not be nice to any of the SUR-vers.  I forgot how toxic this crew is, even my beloved Stassi.toxic

Last night’s episode had far too much slut shaming & fat shaming.  Funny how Scheana gets offended when she is skinny shamed on social media, yet thinks nothing of slut shaming Lala right out of SUR.  However, the most offensive thing going on at SUR, is that LVP has not updated their uniforms.  Those little, ugly purple dresses flatter no one.

So, I noticed a few things right off the bat.  Peter & Sandoval have different hair.  One is great & one is horribly, horribly wrong.  Is it just me or does Katie have some weird bangs situation going on?  Is she growing them out?  Is it a cowlick?  Also a couple of the SUR staff have put on a few LBS, but I’m a lady & will not mention names.  You know who you are.  Lay off those goat cheese balls & Rosé.

Remind me again why Katie & Scheana despise Lala so much?  This reminds me of Season 1 when Scheana was new to SUR, & Stassi et al. called Scheana a homewrecker & shunned her for presumably being slutty.  Anyone else get that vibe?  Rumor is Bible at SUR.  Might I remind Katie & Scheana that they are SUR-vers & Lala controls where guests are seated; their treatment of her could directly affect their tips…  Never piss-off the hostess.

Back behind the bar, Jax being Jax, revealed to Tom 1 that he came home one night to Kristen going to town on Brittany’s Kentucky Muffin.  Thank you for that gem of a saying LVP!  Of course Kristen went down on Brittany, she is incapable of monogamy to man or woman.  I’m ready for Jax & Kristen to put us all out of our misery, & run off together never to be heard from again.  Is Kristen a closeted lipstick lesbian – that would make so much sense.  Tom says that this is no big deal & basically said that it’s expected when you move to LA.  As Stassi said, “This is not normal.”

Moving on…the staff + Stassi & Kristen head to the OK Magazine party.  Everyone pretty much arrived before James & Lala, with the exception of Tom & Ariana, who were changing in the bathroom & snarking on Kristen’s lesbianonic proclivities.  Lala & James arrived to join the party, & Stassi flat out said that it was rude of them to even think they could sit at their table.  Katie chimed in with her agreement.  mean-girls

Now, regardless of what Stassi said – James & Lala both work at SUR & this was a SUR party, so they had the right to join the SUR group.  However, I do think Stassi instigated the incident that ensued.  James, not liking the groups attitude, proceed to ask Scheana if she had recently had a nose job, & asked Katie if she was pregnant.  Lala chimed in by saying that none of the ladies (can we call them ladies?) had not been working on their summer bodies.  Scheana jumped up & shoved James, spilling his drink, & started a fight.   Jax was waiting for a reason to hit James & boy did he get one.

As much of a Tool McDouche Nugget as James is, the rest of the group’s hands are not clean.  Most of them have a valid reason for disliking James – they are friends with Kristen after all, but Lala does not deserve their wrath.  And to be perfectly honest, Katie should only be slightly upset with Lala for looking horrible & acting a fool at her engagement party’s after party.  This can all be traced back to Kristen crashing said party.

Shortly after Jax & cast were calmed sitting down, Sandoval & Ariana arrived.  Katie immediately scolded them for being friends with James & Lala.  Being that they are adults, they each spoke with James & Lala to get both sides of the story.  Tom told James that he has Tourettes of Insults – truer words have never been spoken.  James is the Kelly Dodd of this cast.  James basically burst into tears about his father’s abandonment – dude, it’s okay to be upset about your parents divorce, but perhaps you should have stayed home.

Next day, Katie has a moment with LVP at Villa Rosa.  Apparently Lisa needs an assistant & Katie drew the short straw.  She will be getting paid $30 an hour…um, I’ll take that job.  Katie also tattled on Lala & James, but conveniently left out her part.

I’m really stressed about by Jax & Brittany’s apartment.  Why would a hallway end in a triangle???  What sadist designed that concept?  Is this the corner where Brittany puts Jax when he’s being an ass? dunce

Does anyone else think that Jax is torturing Brittany in the hopes that she will break up with him…because he’s a child.

Meanwhile over at Katie & Tom 2’s apartment, they host a little wedding planning bitch sesh (you should listen to that podcast!).  Stassi made bedazzled wine glasses for everyone, which I was truly appalled by.  That seems more the Scheana thing to do.  Poor Tom…he will basically be marrying all of these women & be their bitch.

I think it would be fun to recast the SUR crew as Housewives…
Stassi – Bethenny Frankel
Kristen – Brandi Glanville
Ariana – Caroline Manzo or Carole Radziwill
James – Kelly Dodd
Scheana – Lisa Rinna
Brittany – Brandi Redmond
Katie – Kyle Richards
Tom 1 – Heather Dubrow
Tom 2 – Meghan King Edmonds
Jax – Dorinda Medley
Lala – Porsha Williams

Which HW do you think they’d be?

My favorite Tweets from the night: s5e1-1s5e1-2s5e1-3

Who’s your favorite on Vanderpump Rules?  Who do you love to hate?

Until next week for more #PumpRules…  Don’t forget tomorrow I’ll be doing a What’s Up Wednesday post, & Friday will be the first Christmas playlist of the season!

Kiss Hug,

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Vanderpump Rules: Cast Analysis

Okay y’all, it’s that time again!  With Vanderpump Rules coming back to our screens Monday, November 7th I thought I’d share my thoughts on our beloved (???) Vandercast.  vandercast

Stassi: The Queen B of the show, much to Scheana’s dismay.  I feel like out of the entire Vandercast, Stassi gets the award for most improved.  She has been through a lot over the last few seasons, & actually seems to have learned a thing or two.  Maybe that comes with age, but wait – what is Jax’s excuse?  Not only is Stassi gorg, she really put in an effort to win her important friendships back (Tom 2 & Katie).  I wish she could get along with Tom 1 better. stassi

Jax: 1) I do not find Jax attractive…too many nose jobs. 2) He is an overgrown frat boy that has yet to learn any lesson from his mistakes. 3) How is he still employed or have any friends left?  He’s screwed over just about all of them.  Like Kristen, he is disrespectful at times, & a classic narcissist.  Maybe he’s more of a masochist – he really seems to get off on the bad attention he gets for being a fuck up.  I have no patience for him.  jx-2

Kristen: Cannot. Stand. Kristen.  She is up there with Vicki Gunvalson & Ramona Singer.  She is boil-your-rabbit crazy.  Not to be cruel, but she is hideous on the inside, which makes her ugly on the outside as well…perhaps it’s all the Botox she’s had???  I honestly don’t understand how she is still on this show?  I guess LVP/Bravo wants the money, & Kristen brings in viewers?  She is the most disrespectful, narcissistic, hateful brat on television.  It irritates me to no end that she cheated on Tom 1 several times (with his friend(s)), yet she blames the demise of their relationship on Ariana & constantly brings it up .  She’s a crazy pants…too bad she never wears any. kristen

Tom Sandoval (Tom 1): He is kinda the voice of reason more often than not.  He tends to look at the big picture & not the bottom line – at least with the guys.  Like most guys, he is a bit obtuse when it comes to what Ariana needs sometimes.  But, I do think his heart is in the right place.  LOVE his bestie friendship with Schwartz. sandoval

Ariana: I adore Ariana!  She is far too mature for this show…unless it’s her 30th birthday.  How she & Scheana are friends, I do not understand…but I digress.  I love her relationship with Sandoval, regardless of how Kristen manages to throw a wrench into things.  Ariana does get a bit of a ‘tude, but usually because Kristen or a Doute sycophant is being unbearable. ariana

Scheana: Ugh, I don’t even know where to start.  Oh, yes I do – lay off the fillers & Botox, please.  I asked nicely, so you should do it. 🙂  Scheana seems like a bit of a lost soul to me & really, really young.  I feel like Scheana has no purpose in life & will work at SUR until the day she dies.  Actually, they probably all will so I shouldn’t single her out.  I really wanted to like her because Brandi Glanville hates her, but I just can’t get on board.  I like her more than Kristen… scheana

Katie: I have a love-hate relationship with Katie.  Loved when she stood up to Stassi; hate that she treated Lala horribly last season for no apparent reason.  Not a huge fan of Tequila Katie either.  Overall, I do like Katie a lot…but I’m still trying to figure her out because she didn’t get a ton of screen time until last season. katie

Tom Schwartz (Tom 2): Schwartz-i-poo is my favorite!!!  I think he is the Shep Rose of this Vanderpump Rules.  He is prolific, yet completely ridiculous.  Don’t get the commitment issues, but I don’t know enough about him pre-Bravo.  Tom 2 is by far the best looking, but is the most humble about it.  Tom 2 makes my heart smile. 🙂  He is smart enough to put LVP in his Top 5. schwartz

Peter, James, Lala, & Britney are the auxiliary cast as far as I’m concerned.  Although, I really liked Lala last season & thought she was a great addition.  I do wish we’d get more of Peter, but I think he is one of the managers at SUR, so it’s probably a no-no for him to associate too much with the main cast as he is their boss(ish).  Britney seems fine enough, but she is associated with Jax so I automatically don’t take her seriously.  Sorry girl…you could do better.  James seems like the male version of Kristen to me.

What do you all think of Vanderpump Rules?  Are you excited about it’s return?  Don’t forget – it comes back next Monday!  Recap will be up by Tuesday.  Also Daylight Savings Time ends Sunday night!  Yea for more sleep!!!

Have a great weekend!

Kiss Hug,

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