BIP Recap: Tacos, Puppies, & Good Talks

So, this week began right where BIP left us…the face off between Caila & Ashley.  You guys I could not care less about the fight between Becky with the good hair & Kardashley, over Snaggle Tooth.  Old news.  Snooze fest.  Ashley, mature woman that she is, blamed her piss poor behavior on the passing of her dog.  So many people in Paradise use loss as an excuse to be a garbage person…not okay.

I guess all dogs really do go to Heaven because shortly thereafter, Wells arrived in Paradise to harps, angels, & barking (not the other cast mates!).  His entrance was amazing!  So, I personally don’t follow Wells on social media because I’m not that invested in him, but from what I hear he is hilarious & a huge dog lover.  Check out his charity, Tacos Save Lives.  Cue the taco puns for the rest of the night.

Everyone, boys & girls alike, kind of strong armed Wells into choosing Ashley for his date. Everybody, including the crabs want Ashley on this date.  It got a standing ovation – how embarrassing for Ashley, but so funny for me to watch.embarrassing

They had a fairly tame, but charming, date with the loudest chrunchiest tacos ever (or were they tostadas?) & talked about their favorite bands.  The Talking Heads vs. Hanson (really Ashley?)  Michelle Collins on After Paradise said that Hanson is the kind of band that you love before you lose your virginity…HYSTERICAL.  They wound up sharing their leftovers with a homeless pooch.  Heart eyes!

Meanwhile back in Paradise, Jared & Caila sucked face a la Amanda & Josh.  gross.gif

Grant & Lace seem to be still having trouble in Paradise.  Lace has definitely been spoiling for a fight.  Grant walked off in a huff wearing jorts; Lace stormed off to her room.  Grant went chasing after her in jeggings…y’all, I’m so confused by these wardrobe changes.  I think Grant feels like has to be a hero & rescue Lace (he is a firefighter), & let’s face it Lace does need to be rescued from herself from time to time.

As usual, being the insensitive couple they are, Josh & Amanda flaunt their makeout sesh in front of a grumpy Grant.  Y’all, how are they still making out all the time?  Yes, everyone has three sets of tonsils & each of you know what the other is missing…we get it – you like each other.  By far they most disgusting thing Josh has done was ask Amanda to guess what skittle was in his mouth by tasting it off his tongue.  Heebie Jeebies.  super gross.gif

Damn it, now I want some Skittles & I hate tasting the rainbow.

Jen (Jenn?) & Nick were being sweet & snuggly, so Amanda graciously offered them the Boom Boom Room.  Amanda said that she was exhausted & going to sleep in her bed.  As Nick & Jen were heading up the stairs, Josh yelled out “Just so you know we are sleeping up there tonight.  Just lettin’ y’all know.  My fan is up there reserving the room.  Thank you though.”  Thoroughly confused, they explain that Amanda said they could have the room.  Seriously, after all Josh’s sweaty sex why would they want to sleep in the BBR???  Poor Amanda is dead alseep to the world.  Josh is the worst.  He literally woke Amanda up to ask if she was ever going to sleep with him again.  Perhaps, Beatrice has come to town & she has cramps, or she doesn’t want to get in the Bone Zone with you Josh!  Ever think of that?  Amanda, half asleep, says that she is too tired.  Josh, loving dude that he is, pops her on the back & says “Good. Talk.”  The two most terrifying words uttered in Paradise.  Josh sleeps alone…ass.

Daniel was desperately funny vying for Haley, Emily, & Izzy’s roses.  WTF is Carly wearing at the Ceremony???  But, even so Evan confessed his love for Carly – oddly enough she loves him too!  She is the most surprised by it.  Prior to the Rose Ceremony, the Twins pull Nick aside to ask about Josh as they are tired of pushing their concerns away.  Who knew Amanda was their BFF?

Rose Ceremony:
Carly: Evan
Ashley: Wells (Jared was more excited)
Jen: Nick
Izzy: Brett
Caila: Jared
Lace: Grant
Amanda: Josh
Haley & Emily didn’t give out roses.

Emily & Haley basically took out half the cast, & now all the fun people are now gone. Before they leave, however, they confess their concerns to Amanda regarding Josh.  They tell her in twin tandem…must be a twin thing to ask him lots of pointed questions & to check his temper at the door.

This ignites Josh’s fury.  Amanda said multiple times to Josh that she didn’t want to discuss it, yet he forced her to anyways…douche.  He says that the book is ludicrous, & his dog has been battling cancer & going to chemo.  He’s really distraught over his dog, so he came to Paradise…naturally.  Josh decided to confront the group, against Amanda’s wishes. What a jackass move that he made the entire group come to him instead of going to them.  Why is this the first time we are hearing about his dog?  Stupidly, he asked the group if they thought he wasn’t being genuine.  Nick piped up & said that he didn’t know. Josh argues like a middle schooler.  This entire confrontation is so dumb.

Josh packed his bags & asked Amanda to leave with him.  She wanted to stay – its the only vacation she gets from being a mom!  Shocker…Josh decided to stay for her.  Blah, blah, blah, boring.  Josh is a narcissist, but Amanda is definitely a masochist.

The next morning Wells was the first to wake up in Paradise…he basically had the resort to himself.  I would have loved it, & relished that alone time!  In comes Jami, or as Ashley called her a random Canadian.  I don’t know if it was slim pickin’s, but Jami asked Wells on her date.  As Jorge said, the early bird gets the worm.  The ATV’s looked so fun & their bathing suits matched, so clearly it’s true love!  Please tell me Jami was wearing a romper & not an ass baring dress.  Side note, I have super coarse, curly hair like Jami.  Mine looks just like hers when it was air drying.  teen witch

Nick & Jen took one for the team, & told Ashley about Wells’ date.  Shocking everyone, Ash was cool about it…shocking no one she focused her attention back on Jared & Caila.  One thing we learned is that Jared likes to slap an ass in bed.  The Producers Ashley was straight up devious & drove them out of Paradise.  This was the only moment that Jared manned up.  He told Ashley that it was about him, not her.  Caila said it best when she said, “There is so much baggage here, & it’s walking around in red lipstick.”  Did anyone else notice that she left barefoot?

Wells & Jami return to the resort & Ashley is pissed that they arrived holding hands.  Do you think Ashley fought over boys at the tether ball pole or four square court?  That’s her level of maturity.  She doesn’t want Wells to “mingle around Paradise.”  Poor Wells is the monkey in the middle between Jami & Ashley.

Enter Lauren & Shushanna.  Lauren is vibing Brett, while Shushanna wants a piece of the skinny Wells taco…off to a surfing double date they go.  Izzy who?  Ashley & Jami who? Brett borrowed Daniel’s lines & said, “I brought my beetches to the beech & Lauren looks scrumptious.”  Ugh.  Did anyone else think that Lauren seemed really drunk on the date with Brett?

Shushanna does come on very strong with Wells…clearly she’s a sex panther.  Wells seemed to be unraveling a bit trying to juggle 3 women in 3 days…I sense a Fatal Attraction moment.  However, he does not regret glancing at Shushanna’s derriere.  He compares her to a Bond Girl.  Cue the Bougie Bossanova music during their hot makeout sesh.

Nick prepared Ashley to not receive a rose.  Carly & Evan pull a Josh & Amanda on the Beach beds…I can’t deal anymore!  Amanda received a date card, any guesses who she took?  At this point so many people have warned Amanda against Josh; if he turns out to be the person everyone fears he is – it is now on Amanda her fault for staying.  She has made her bed & now has to lie in it.  I fear that this will blow up in her face.

Once again I babysat this week, so I only have my favorite Tweets from Monday night.

What did you all think of this week?  Are you excited about Nick being the new Bachelor?!?  I am Ashley level obsessed with this decision!!!  Bravo Mike Fleiss.  Casey Approved.  Who do you think will get engaged on next week’s Finale?  Evan & Carly?  Josh & Amanda?  Brett & the lamp?  Jorge?  Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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BIP Recap: What’s His Name?

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First I want to apologize for not posting a recap last week.  I was babysitting during the live shows, & after watching on my DVR I deleted them thinking I would remember what happened.  Well, at 32 I’m old & can’t remember shit. So, without further ado…

We pick up in the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party (RCCP), & guess who’s crying?  Ashley I . of course.  Daniel held court over Sarah, Emily & Haley, & Ashley…it was pretty gross to witness the ladies trying to earn his rose.  Daniel loved it in his own weird way, of course.

Rose Ceremony:
Grant: Lace
Josh: Amanda
Nick: Jenn
Vinny: Izzy
Evan: Carly
Jared: Caila
Daniel: Haley (WTF!!!  How could he send my favorite, & Carly’s BFF, Sarah home?!?!)

Ashley got into her car, got a little ways down the road, & made her driver stop.  She went back to crash the rose celebratory champagne toast.  She basically begged the group to let her stay & the twins immediately agreed, which seemed to peer pressure the others to agree.  Great…  She vows to use this time in Paradise to move on from Jared…y’all, I’m holding my breath.

Carl joins Paradise – who is he?  Emily salivates over him.  No one can remember his name…poor Carl.  That’s what you get for having a horrible name.  He is hot though…according to Vinny.  Carl

Brett also immediately joins…with a lamp.  Who is he?  Ashley is almost, maybe interested in him.  Izzy is overwhelmed with her attraction for him.  Brett is in Paradise specifically to meet Caila, which Ashley loves for the possibilities this may leave for her & Jared.  Ashley told Brett to ask out who he wants to ask out, regardless of who is coupled up.  Caila agreed to his date without even thinking about it, much less consulting Jared.

Unpopular opinion, but I think Caila is manipulative & seeks attention anyway she can get it.  I have a theory that she comes off somewhat shy & uses that to manipulate the situation to her advantage.  Something just doesn’t add up for me, but she does have magical hair.

Caila proceeded to change her mind 87,000 times with both Jared & Brett.  She got what she wanted…Jared essentially begged her not to go, while Brett begged her to go.  Attention seeking…just sayin’.  Evan said, “Brett came in with a lamp, & Caila flipped the switch on Jared.”  Side note, what is with Brett’s jeans?  Do his tight jeans shrink wrap to his ankles if they get wet???  Jared thinks this is karma & that he deserves this…get some self-esteem people!  Ashley tells us that, “Jared is the new Ashley.”  God help us all.

On the double date, Carl & Emily, Caila & Brett dance on a booze cruise with a bunch of townies?  Emily & Carl totally hit if off & suck face a la Josh & Amanda.  Brett tried to give Caila a lap dance, which she turned down.  “No thanks.  I’m good.”  She’s missing the magical being that is Jared.  Ashley took advantage of Caila being away to move in on Jared.  Caila did have the decency to apologize to Brett on their date & say that she shouldn’t have gone on the booze cruise.  Back from the date, she runs straight to Jared & confirmed her feelings for him are “genuine.”  Ashley cries in the background while they makeout.  Ashley

Later that night Ryan arrived – he’s from Kaitlyn’s season.  You probably don’t recognize him because 1.) you don’t remember him, or 2.) he now has a beard & has grown his hair out.  Jared tried to pawn Ashley off on him, but she can only talk about her Jared obsession so he opts for Haley.  Daniel immediately dubs Ryan as the “Silver Fox.”  That is not the insult he thinks it is.  Side note: why does everyone still call her Ashley I. when she is the only Ashley there?

Ryan & Haley go horseback riding.  Been there, done that, but I want a twin to succeed.  So. I support this date.  Back at the resort, Grant takes Lace on a self-made 1-on-1…a couple’s massage.  This was great in concept, but then Grant mucked it up by professing his love for Lace.  Her response: “Why?”  Obviously, this bodes well for their relationship.Lace

Izzy flirts with Brett, while Vinny broods a stone’s throw away.  She then breaks up confesses her doubts with Vinny & crushes his soul.  Vinny does not take it well.  Sad face.  The next morning, or as we learned on After Paradise, that Vinny woke Izzy up, around 3pm, to announce that he was going home.  All the other couples are freaked out.

Jade & Tanner swung by the resort to hand out a date card.  Despite Ashley’s sabotage plan, they gave the date card to Jared & Caila.  I do believe that Caila has been in Paradise for 3 days & has been on 3 dates…  Grant & Lace basically fell apart while Jade & Tanner interviewed them.

Meanwhile, Jenn pulled Nick aside to make sure they were on the same page.  Does Jenn remind anyone else of Sharlene Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season?  As in, she is calm, cool, & collected.  Nick doesn’t want to be a joke (aka made a fool of) or a Trivial Pursuit question…is it just me or is that a weird way say that?

Jared & Caila had a typically boring date…making out in their underwear in a river.  Caila wore black panties, & if you’ve ever seen 10 Things I Hate About You you know what that means.  Caila’s damn hair still looks perfect in the rain.  Bitch.

Evan & Carly go on another terrible looking date.  I was terrified that it was going to be Tantric yoga, but turned out to hot meditation/confessionals.  Carly managed to get her lady boner back for Evan.  God Bless…  Didn’t Carly have a similar date with Chris Soules?

Y’all, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, much less confessing it here, but Evan gave me some Patrick Swayze vibes in that hut!!!

Meanwhile, Ashley got her hooks into Jared deep.  She seems to take great pleasure in mind-f*cking with him & Caila.  While, I do agree that Caila is a bit robotic & standoff-ish.  I applaud her for confronting Ashley, & she was correct in everything she said to Ashley on the beach.

We leave this week with previews of a big fight between Josh & Nick…looks so good!

My favorite Tweets of the night:

What did you all think of this week’s episode(s)?  When is Wells going to get there & woo Ashley?  I can’t take anymore Jared obsession.

I’ll be live tweeting #RHONY tonight, while I make potato soup, & the recap will be up tomorrow.  Feel free to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, or like the Analogy of Reality page on Facebook. 🙂

Kiss Hug,

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BIP Recap: Paradise Lost?

We pick up where Chris Harrison left off – kicking Chad’s sorry ass out of paradise.  Everyone is thrilled he’s gone & that the resort is once again paradise.  Enter Leah to be the dream crusher…with a date card no less.  It says a lot about the type of person Leah is, at her core, when she wanted to give her date card to Chad Bear.  Hey, they both like protein.  To each his own, right?  So, what work has Leah had done?  Obviously her lips, but maybe her nose too?  Her face shape even looks different.  She looks eerily like Amanda…

The group informed Leah that Chad is in Tijuana, never to return to Jorge’s Bar.  Being resourceful, she started pulling the guys aside, one by one, to learn a little bit more about each of them.  The other women do. not. like. this.  Leah asks Nick on her date.  Amanda is jealous.

Randomly, both of the twins have scoliosis.  “Want to feel my hump?”

OMG!  The twins eating a banana makes me never want to eat another banana in my life.  Grant & Evan chat about how the girls are nervous for their lack of connections.  Meanwhile, at the bar Lace is basically having the same convo. with Jorge.  Can we please discuss Lace’s eyelash extensions gone wrong?  What’s with those tarantula legs on her face?  Grant consoles Lace & assures her that he is still interested.  He seems so level headed compared to his defensive, argumentative demeanor at the Men Tell All.

On the date, Leah & Nick go to town & try different foods & drinks.  Were they at a festival or a farmers market?  Moving on to the romantic portion of the date, the beach side kiss was so uncomfortable to watch.  Leah is smitten.  Nick is uninterested.  Was this the shortest date ever?

Another date card arrived…for Nick.  Leah automatically assumed that she’d go on the date with him.  WRONG.  He chose Amanda.  Leah cannot contain her jealousy, animosity, & insecurities.   As Amanda was getting ready, in walks Leah to mind fuck with Amanda’s head.  She accused Amanda of trying to be her, then asked why she’s so tense.  Perhaps it’s because Leah is psycho?

Nick is way more into Amanda than Leah.  Side Note: Amanda’s voice doesn’t bother me as much this season as it did with Ben.  They have great conversation.  Nick may have been sexually attracted to Leah, but he is sexually, mentally, & emotionally attracted to Amanda.  By the fireside they make out, of course, surprisingly I don’t want to gouge my eyes out.  Meanwhile, back at the resort Leah plays victim in her confessional.  Classic narcissist.

Prepping for the Rose Ceremony, all the women vie for the men’s attention.  Sarah is interested in Vinny; I think he likes her too in spite of his connection with Izzy.  I 100% support this couple.  I want Vinny & Sarah to couple up like nobody’s business!  Nothing against Izzy, but I don’t have any clue who she is.  Sadly, Carly seems interested in Evan.  As usual, Carly has to make the first move for the first kiss; Carly is disappointed & horrified.  Evan is aroused.  Awkward.  Lace makes her play for Grant.  Hook. Line. Sinker.  They totally do it…unfortunately we had to hear it.  Jubilee wants Jared, as does Emily.  Leah made desperate ploys for Nick & Daniel.

I’m really confused about the twins.  What if they each find a guy who wants to give them a rose?  Do they still only get 1 rose?  What about when it’s the women’s turn to hand out roses?  Do they have to collectively decide on 1 guy to give their rose to?  I NEED answers!!!  answers

Rose Ceremony:

  • Grant: Lace
  • Nick: Amanda
  • Evan: Carly
  • Jared: Emily (& Haley)
  • Vinny: Izzy
  • Daniel: Sarah

How sweet was Daniel to Sarah?  “We saved the best for last.”  Kiss, hug.  Jubilee & Leah got sent home.  Jubilee was a class act, while Leah played the fool.

Josh is the next newbie to arrive in paradise.  Thanks a lot ABC.  The vast majority of this hour was a pissing contest between Josh & Nick, specifically over Amanda.  I have to say I’m disappointed in Amanda.  I honestly think Josh enjoys annoying the shit out of Nick, & would have gone after any woman that Nick was interested in.

I hate all of Josh’s references to God, how blessed he is, & fate.  I feel like God doesn’t watch Bachelor in Paradise…just sayin’.  It would be interesting to see if he would have chosen Amanda had he not known that Nick was connecting with her.  Nick seems to be unraveling a bit.

Josh compared his amputee dog to Amanda’s daughters. #samsies  I am so offended by Josh’s tongue & groans.  Ewww.  It’s bad enough that I have to watch; I certainly don’t want to hear it.

On their date, Josh denied everything that Andi wrote about him.  Nick said that the less than flattering things she wrote about him had some truth to them…I’m more inclined to believe Nick & Andi.  I bet her book sales are going through the roof!  Andi

After the Rose Ceremony, & after their horrible kiss, Carly avoided Evan.  Unfortunately, he got a date card & Carly begrudgingly accepted.  Carly didn’t even change her outfit for their date.  Y’all, not going to lie – they had the worst date ever.  They had to eat Habanero peppers & then kiss to beat the Guinness Book of World Records.  Hasn’t this date been done already on another season?  Carly vomited afterwards.  Not a good omen.  Evan thought this was the greatest date ever.  Poor Carly.  Hopefully the habanero numbed her lips & she didn’t feel a thing?  spicy.gif

Back in paradise, Emily basically molested Jared trying to get a kiss…it worked.  I seriously don’t get his appeal; he has no personality.  Josh & Amanda arrive back from their date & proceed to disgust everyone by loudly making out.  It’s just plain rude, y’all.

The next morning starts with Vinny counting his abs…to make sure they’re still there?  Amanda & Josh are still making out in very public places within the resort.  Daniel & Sarah have an odd relationship…are they in the friend zone or the bone zone?

Christian was the second new guy to arrive with a date card.  He asked all the guys who had relationships.  Ultimately he took Sarah on his date.  They went on an outdoorsy, team building course…zip lining & repelling.  Christian’s vocabulary could use some expansion, but they seemed to have a great time.  I don’t trust a guy that overuses the word sexy.  I did think it was a bit strange that Sarah kept asking about Daniel’s whereabouts before & after said date.  If you’re on a date with another dude, then why does she care?

Meanwhile, Carly dumped Evan.  She was his definite dream crusher.  Carly handled herself really well in person, but her confessionals were quite catty – borderline cruel.  Jared stopped by to join in on the snark while Evan cried in his bed.

Shortly thereafter, Brandon (???) from Desiree’s Season arrived with a date card.  Apparently he was on the same season as Carly’s brother Zak.  I had no idea!!!  If I remember correctly Juan Pablo was chosen over Zak to be the Bachelor.  Way to go ABC.  Carly has all the feels for Brandon, but he chose Haley to take on his date.

Daniel valiantly tried to woo Sarah…without making a romantic move on her.  Call me crazy, but I’m still skeptical about the direction of where their relationship is going.  Is he simply vying for a rose to make it to the next week?  Is she?  What is happening here?  He opted not to kiss Sarah for “fear” of the Zika virus.  I think Sarah enjoyed making Daniel jealous by going on a date with Christian.

Y’all, Haley & Emily totally Parent Trapped Brandon & pulled a switcheroo.  Brandon, after boasting how well he could tell them apart, didn’t have a clue.  Awkward.  Is it just me, but aren’t they easy to tell apart?  Emily has way more ear piercings for one.  Emily also can’t hold her alcohol.  Their profiles are totally different as well.  Brandon – dumb as a rock?

What the hell is this disgusting group of the “Sexy Six?”  They’re all making out on the same lounge platform.  So gross.  Evan took it upon himself to create a date card for him & Amanda, which he interrupts the makeout sesh to steal her away.  This is where Paradise leaves us…this is going to work out well.

Favorite Tweets:

Who do y’all want to see couple up?  What do you think of Daniel?  Is he Chad 2.0?

Until next week…

Kiss Hug,

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